Does A Muslim Woman Have to Obey Her Husband?

Question: My problem is in Islam, A woman must obey her husband, she can’t go out of the house without his permission, and she even has to obey her husband even if he tells her to do something that she hates; and she obeys him even against herself or her parents’ will – why is it like this? A woman is a human being with the right to think and decide for herself. Sometimes a woman can think in some situations more clearly than her husband, but if the husband says something, then his words are the ones to be followed – why is it like this? Why do I have to obey my husband even before obeying my father who raised me up all these years? I know that in Islam, men and women are equal, but this doesn’t seem like equality. I am not questioning Islam or God of course, but I just need an explanation. Why do we have to obey the men in submission like this? Did Prophet Muhammad really say “If I would have ordered someone to do sujud (prostration), for someone else except Allah, I would have ordered the wife to do it to her husband” ? Did he really say that, and why? And If I don’t follow this ahadith (tradition of Prophet Muhammad), will I be sinning? Thanks for your time.

Answer by Abdul-Lateef Abdullah

In the name of Allah the Most Gracious
the Most Merciful
May He bestow His peace and blessings on His messenger, Muhammad, his family, Companions, and all of those who follow them sincerely.

As salamu `alaykum,

Thank you for your very poignant question. It is an important one and one that you need to settle before you marry for there should be no lingering doubts about Islam or your future husband. It is, therefore, very important that you receive an answer to this and any other questions you have.

One thing that is very important for all of us to be able to differentiate is the difference between Islamic teachings, cultural practices, and beliefs. Sometimes these two are in complete opposite to one another even though the practices referred to are coming from Muslims. Yes, it is true that the husband is the head of the household in Islam, but that does not mean that he runs the household like a tyrant. It also does not mean that women have not the power to make decisions.

As a convert to Islam myself, I realize that there is a very big difference between the outward, literal aspects of these teachings and their application in real life. The Muslim home – in the true spirit of Islam — is one where Allah is God and He alone is worshipped, not the husband/father. Men are given a certain degree of RESPONSIBILITY over their wives, rather than a degree of privilege or power. According to Sheikh `Abdullah Adhami, the Companions of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and the early scholars of Islam understood and practiced the Qur’an in these terms – that the degree that men are afforded is one of responsibility, not power: (see in the Qur`an Al Baqarah 2:228)

“Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.”

The degree above them, according to Sheikh `Abdullah is a degree of responsibility, not a degree of privilege or power. In many cultures, however, this degree is taken to mean that the husband has power to do and act however he wants without question. This, however, is against the teachings of Islam. Yes, men are the head of the household in Islam, but mutual respect and consideration are the way in which the affairs of the house should be governed.

Specific questions about a woman leaving the house, for example, are also important to consider in the spirit of Islam, along with the mere dictates of the law. Yes, a woman should get permission to leave the house. This should, however, be understood according to the spirit of mutual respect. A husband is responsible for safeguarding the safety of his family. If he does not know when and where his wife is coming and going, how is he supposed to do that? By the same token, a husband should also discuss with his wife his leaving the house out of respect for her. For example, perhaps she wants to pray and there is no one to watch the young children or a baby. The husband should first consult the wife about going out and the two should come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe the wife will ask the husband to wait 20 minutes so that she can pray first, for example. In any case, the husband must be considerate of the wife’s needs and situation, not only his own. The point is that the affairs of the house are not a dictatorship; they should be conducted according to mutual respect and teamwork, with both respecting the rights and responsibilities of the other. The rights and legal dictates exist so that we know our basic responsibilities and do not cross any lines that we shouldn’t, however, in practice we should always strive for the best of ways in our affairs, which is, of course, according to the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), who was nothing but kind, gentle and fair with his wives and family. There was no one on Earth who treated his wives better than the Prophet (SAW), so we should take his example in all of our affairs.

Some examples of Islamic teachings in regard to wives/women:
{Among His signs is the fact that he has created spouses from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquillity with them; and he has put love and mercy between you. In that are signs for people who reflect} (Qur’an Ar Rum 30:21)
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was reported to have said:
• “From among the believers are those who have the kindest disposition and are the kindest to their families- such are those who show the most perfect faith. The best among them are those who are kindest to their wives.” (1)

• “The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” (2)

• “Do not beat the female servants of God.” (3)

• “Whoever has a female child and does not bury her alive, nor hide her in contempt, nor prefers his male child over her, God will make him enter Paradise.” (4)

• “Whoever brings up two sisters or two daughters, and gives them a broad education, and treats them well, and gives them in marriage, for him is Paradise.” (5)
(1) Bukhari and Muslim
(2) Tirmidhi
(3) Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah
(4) Abu Dawud
(5) Abu Dawud and Tirmidhi
Remember, Prophet Muhammad (SAW), the best of creation was a servant of his family, not a tyrant or a king:

Ahadith – Sahih al-Bukhari 8.65, Narrated Al Aswad
I asked ‘Aisha what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied, “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer.”

Serving his family, according to other hadith on the subject, included: sweeping floors, sewing clothes, cooking, serving guests, teaching and educating the children, and others. How many Muslim husbands, despite being so quick to claim their status of ‘head of household’ live according to this example? How many of us see ourselves and act as servants of our families rather than kings? This ahadith is just one powerful example of the difference between knowing the RIGHTS of husbands and knowing our RESPONSIBILITIES as husbands who are followers of the best of creation, Rasulullah (SAW). Using the Prophet’s example, we can understand that it was because of the standard of his behavior, and loving kindness to his family that he was so well respected and obedient to them. He never had to ‘demand’ his authority from them like many of us. He simply behaved in a way that made people want to serve him and follow him. That is the greatness of the Prophet (SAW) – he made people WANT to obey him because of his high standard of character and example as a human being, husband, father, etc.

Conjugal Relationship

By: Shaykh Salaah Al-Budayr

All praise is due to Allaah, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings of Allaah be upon the Messenger, his household and companions.

Fellow Muslims! Fear Allaah and be conscious of Him.
“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife (Hawwâ (Eve)) and from them both He created many men and women; and fear Allaah through Whom you demand (your mutual rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allaah is Ever an All-Watcher over you.” (An-Nisaa 4:1)Dear Muslims! Allaah, through His mercy and wisdom, created man on a nature that loves stability and comfort. He created a wife for him from his own kind that he might find succour with her and be inclined to her. Allaah says,

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Ar-Room 30:21)

Fellow Muslims! Marital tie is a great one. It is a tie that is established on mutual wish, choice and altruism. It is a tie that the religion of Islaam ordained and which the human nature requests. This is because, the family is the foundation of the society and security of the society depends of security of each of the families that make up the society.

The two pillars of the family are man and woman who are both brought together by love, affection, friendship, sincerity, compassion and agreement under one roof.

In the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, there is a perfect welfare and complete justice that strengthen the foundation of this blessed relationship and that prevent it from going sour.

Dear Muslims! The causes of many marital problems and astounding rise in divorce cases lie in the people’s ignorance of the Islaamic injunctions, etiquettes of marital life and demands of family responsibilities. For how can a family enjoy happiness and tranquillity if the husband uses disgusting and vile language and he is hot-tempered and repulsively selfish? How can the family enjoy peace if the husband is worthless, frowning, overbearing and oppressive to his wife? Where is the kindness that the Qur’aan enjoined?

Brethrens in faith! How can the family enjoy happiness and tranquillity if the wife always go out, is talkative, cursing, revolting, negligent, extravagant, lazy, ingrate and obstinate? The Messenger of Allaah said, “I was shown the Hell-Fire and I found out that most of its inhabitants are women.” The Prophet was asked: ‘Why O Messenger of Allaah?’ He said, “Because they are ungrateful to their husbands. If you have being kind to one of them for your whole life and she once finds something she does not like in you, she says: ‘I have never got any good thing from you.’”

O you husband and wife! Fear Allaah regarding your marital life. Fulfil your responsibility to one another. Follow the injunctions of the Qur’aan and the Sunnah and make use of the sound reason in your dealings with each other lest both of you become victims of divorce and regret. Follow the injunction of Allaah that says,

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” (Al-Baqarah 2:228)

The Prophet said, “Certainly, you have rights over your wives as your wives also have rights over you.” (At-Tirmidhee)

Fellow Muslims! Whoever seeks for a life partner who is free from all defects is looking for something unachievable. The Messenger of Allaah said, “No believing man should hate his believing woman. If he finds some traits which he dislikes in her, he will find in her other traits which he likes.” He also said, “Any woman who asks her husband for divorce without valid excuse, she will never perceive the aroma of Paradise.”

Dear Muslim woman and wife! Be like the earth for your husband he will be like the heaven for you. Be like a resting place for him he will be like a pillar for you, be like a maid for him he will be like a servant for you. Take care of the time of his meals and maintain quietness during his sleeping periods, for the bitterness of hunger is burning and any disturbance during time of sleep is irritating.

Keep his company with satisfaction and relate to him with obedience. Do not ever reveal his secret and do not disobey him. Beware of the things that may make the life sour for him. Do not fast while he is at home without his consent and do not allow anybody to enter his house without his permission.

Know that the more you respect him the more he honours you. Do not keep far from him lest he forgets you and exert all efforts to please him. But you should do that in the light of the injunctions of Islaam. Whenever he requests his rights from you, give them to him. The Messenger of Allaah said, “If a man invites his wife to bed and she refuses and the man passes the night being angry with her, the Angels will curse her until the she wakes up in the morning.” (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Serve him willingly and satisfactorily, for that strengthens mutual love and affection. It is enough for a Muslim woman as a blessing and good tiding that the Messenger of Allaah said, “Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise.” (Ibn Hibbaan)

Dear brother who is the husband! Fear Allaah regarding your wife. Do not burden her with what is beyond her capability. Always assist her in difficulty and be compassionate with her if she is tired or if she falls sick. Always be considerate whenever she is pregnant, she is in post-natal period or she is breastfeeding. Thank her much and appreciate her gratitude. Know that your authority over your wife does not in any way mean that you are free to oppress her or treat her with contempt. It means that you should preserve her honour, teach her, educate her and keep her chaste. Do not let your major concern be monitoring her mistakes and do never treat her suspiciously.

However, do not overlook things that might contravene religious or moral values. The Prophet said, “There are two types of jealousy. Allaah loves one and hates the other. Allaah loves sense of jealousy in a suspicious situation and hates sense of jealousy in other situations.” (Ahmad)

O you husband! Beware of much nagging for it generate hatred. Do not deny your wife and children your kindness lest they become fed up with you and wish for your early death. The Prophet said, “It is enough a sin for a man to neglect those he ought to provide with sustenance.” (Aboo Daawood)

Be always generous and kind, for generosity is a quality of good leadership. There is no good in extravagance as there is no extravagance in kindness. Allaah says,

“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means, and do not harm them so as to straiten them (that they be obliged to leave you house). And if they are pregnant, then spend on them till they lay down their burden. Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment, and let each of you accept the advice of the other in a just way. But if you make difficulties for one another, then some other woman may give suck for him (the father of the child). Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease.” (At-Talaaq 65:6-7)

The Messenger of Allaah said, “Fear Allaah regarding your wives, for you married them under the trust of Allaah and they became lawful for you with the word of Allaah. And you owe them their provision and shelter according to what is reasonable.” The Prophet also said, “When a man spends something on his family, it is will be recorded for him as a charity.” (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Fellow Muslims! Prophet Muhammad, blessings and peace be upon him, who is the leader of mankind used to treat his family with kindness. He would laugh with them and share light moods with them. He used to say, “The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in conduct. And the best of you is the kindest in the treatment of his family.”

O husbands! Do not exceed the limits set by Islaam while spanking your wives. Beware of inflicting bodily harm on them for doing so has horrible consequences. The Messenger of Allaah said, “None of you should flog his wife as he would do his slave and then sleep with her at the end of the day.”

Dear brethren! Some men exceeded the limit of punishing their wives during the time of the Messenger of Allaah. These women came to the wives of the Prophet to complain about their husbands’ battering. The Prophet then addressed the people saying, “Many women have come to the wives of Muhammad complaining of their husbands’ battering. Those husbands are not among your good men.” (Aboo Daawood)

O you husbands! Spending night hours outside the home causes distress for the wife and makes her life unbearable. It threatens the stability of your homes and exposes your children to negligence and temptations of this age.

Brethren in faith! The appearance of sins and religious violations in many homes is the major cause of their disintegration. Dissentions and mutual suspicion have prevailed in many homes as a result of the satellite programs that many families watch. Allaah says,

“Allaah wronged them not, but they wronged themselves.” (Aal ‘Imraan 3:117)

Fear Allaah and cleanse your homes from things that may bring upon you curse and expulsion from the mercy of your Lord. Allaah says,

“Say: ‘Verily, Allaah sends astray whom He wills and guides unto Himself those who turn to Him in repentance.’” (Ar-Ra‘d 13:27)

Fellow Muslims! Let the Muslim woman who is the nurturer of coming generations demonstrate tenderness, compassion and intelligent in carrying out her duties; and let the man who is in charge demonstrate resoluteness, valour, sound reason and deliberateness in discharging his duties. Let both of them live a honourable life under the shade of Islaam by adhering to the injunctions of Allaah and His Messenger and cooperating in righteousness and piety. The Prophet said, “May Allaah bless a man who wakes up in the night, observes voluntary prayers and then awakens his wife and she also observes voluntary prayers. If she refuses to wake up, he sprinkles water on her face. May Allaah bless a woman who wakes up in the night, performs voluntary prayers and then awakens her husband and he also performs supererogatory prayers. When he refuses to wake up, she sprinkles water on his face.” Allaah says,

“And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith: to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned.” (At-Toor 52:21)

Brethren in Islaam! Fairness brings about familiarity and obedience. It is through fairness and justice that love renewed. The unjust person will have no neighbour.

O you men with more than one wife! Deal justly among your wives as regards housing, clothing, feeding, expenses and nights sharing. Beware of unfairness, for it causes punishment from Allaah. The Prophet said, “When a man has two wives and he is inclined to one of them, he will come on the Day of resurrection with a side hanging down.” (Ahmad)

A manifestation of the Prophet’s equal treatment of his wives is that whenever he wanted to travel, he would draw a ballot among his wives and would take along any of them whose ballot prevailed. Whenever he divided something equally among his wives, he would say, “O Allah, this is my division concerning what I possess, so do not blame me concerning what You possess and I do not.” (Aboo Daawood)

Treat your wives equally and take into consideration the jealousy that they cannot naturally prevent. An example of the women’s jealousy is what was narrated by ‘Aaishah who said, “I have never seen anyone who cooked better than Safiyyah. She presented a bowl of food to the Messenger of Allaah. I was overwhelmed by jealousy so much so that I broke the bowl. I told the Messenger of Allaah, ‘What is the atonement for what I had done?’ He said, “The similar bowl and the similar food.” (Ahmad)

‘Aaishah also said, “The envious woman (who is under the spell of envy) cannot tell the bottom of the valley from its top.”

Dear brethren! Demonstrate wisdom and deliberateness in your dealings with one another. Beware of evil company and evil deeds,

“And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful.” (An-Noor 24:31)

The Lost Love

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS[2]).

 

Amr Khaled

love is about actions and behavior, not hidden feelings. What happens if relationships between husbands and wives deteriorate? What happens to families? What kind of sins will be committed in society, what will the Shaytan (Satan) do to our homes? Our last hope lies in our homes, and if we lose that our societies will be useless for another 200 years. A major problem faced by husbands and wives is the loss of love. We’re not discussing marital disputes, or the causes of divorce, we’re talking about the lost love. How do we lose love? In the first stage they stop talking to each other. Couples talk for hours while they are engaged, they spend long hours on the phone and when they finally hang up they still have more to say. At the beginning of their marriage they talk even more. Then, a few years down the line there’s less and less to say.

A man may spend 12 hours at work and actually forget to call his wife. The second stage is to avoid spending time at home; some husbands go through a lot of trouble to make up excuses and tell lies to escape spending time at home. The third stage is when both partners stop seeing each other’s good sides and focus on their partner’s faults; and Shaytan plays a major role here. The Prophet (SAWS) said very beautiful words in this regard; he said that a believer should not dislike his wife, because even if he dislikes something about her, he will always find something that he likes. The point is that they both have faults, and they probably were like this since the very first day, but at this stage they can only see each other’s faults. The fourth stage is to lose their intimate relationship for months. Although we’ve discussed four stages of losing love at home, until this stage they are still respectable people, and they haven’t committed any major sins.

However, after this, one may then start looking for love outside his/her home, and this may soon turn into cheating and a series of other major sins that displease Allah (AWJ[3]). Again, Shaytan has an important role to play here. Ibnul-Qayyim said that Shaytan makes you see what you don’t have as more beautiful and attractive that what you have. This is how Shaytan works. The Prophet (SAWS) said that a person who betrays carries a flag on the Day of Judgment saying this is so-and-so’s betrayal, clearly telling people what this person did.

I’m not talking to men only, I’m very sorry to say that women also reach the stage I’m talking about – this was not the case 30 or 40 years ago -.

Can we bring back the love to our homes? Yes! Allah (SWJ) said what can be translated as “…and He has made between you amity and mercy…” (TMQ[4], 30:21). Note that “has made” is past tense, this means that Allah (SWT[5]) creates this amity and mercy deep in the hearts of husbands and their wives on the day they are married. Take an example for Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) on the day he conquered Makkah, 15 years after Lady Khadijah Bint-Khuwaylid’s death; his companions were urging him to stay at one of their homes, yet he asked them to set up a tent for him near her grave. A year after Khadija’s death a lady companion met Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) and suggested that he gets married for he had 5 children and it would be difficult for him to bring them up on his own; the Prophet shed tears on Khadijah’s memory and said that no woman could resemble her. The lady later said she regretted having reminded him.

You may say that this is the Prophet (SAWS) and no one else is like this. So let me tell you the story of a man who I met in England when I was 20 years old. This man, a scholar from al-Azhar, was in his sixties or seventies at that time, while his wife was in her fifties and they had been married for nearly 35 years. He had gone to England to give some lectures and his wife accompanied him. I could not imagine how this man loved his wife to the extent that he woke me up one day at 8:00 o’clock in the morning and asked me to go with him to Oxford to buy her a present while she was sleeping. I was surprised that after all those years of marriage he was thinking of buying his wife a present and he was also very keen on choosing something that will please her. After some time I traveled back to Egypt and went to visit him, he welcomed me but told me that he was busy at that time and asked me to wait for him in the guest room. He left me waiting for half an hour and I was upset, when he returned he apologized and explained that he and his wife spend an hour every Friday after al-Asr (afternoon) prayer to read Qur’an and talk to each other. I did not think it was possible at that time for a couple to love each other so much after so many years of marriage.

The Prophet (SAWS) was talking to one of his companions called Jaber Ibn-Abdullah on their way back from Zat-Arika’ battle. We all know Jaber’s story whose wife died and he married a lady who could take care of his nine daughters. So, on their way back from the battle the Prophet (SAWS) told him that when they reach Madinah the army will wait outside its borders so that Jaber’s wife would know that the army is back and prepare herself to welcome her husband. The thing is, The Prophet (SAWS) understood that the army had been away for a long time, and their wives do not know when they will be back, and, being busy taking care of their children and houses they may not be ready to welcome their husbands, so he wanted to give them time to prepare themselves. This is very important for women today who do not appreciate how important it is for them to look presentable in front of their husbands.

What does all this have to do with Ramadan? This is the essence of Ramadan, and we want to emerge from Ramadan with husbands who are determined to strengthen their homes by taking their wives’ hands and starting to walk through life together. The Prophet (SAWS) used to walk with Lady Zainab Bint-Jahsh and hold her hand in front of his companions without feeling embarrassed about that like most men do.

Sometimes we only appreciate someone close to us when they die, although we never appreciated them during their lives. I will tell you the story of a girl who studied fine arts and used to paint pictures and portraits and things like that. She decided to paint a picture of her parents and give it to them as a gift on their wedding anniversary. She worked in her room and hid her work from her parents to make it a surprise, until one night her father walked into her room and caught her when she was almost done with the picture. She says she really felt like showing it to him, and when he saw it he marveled at how beautiful his wife is and asked if he could buy a frame for the picture and attach a small card for her mother. So she agreed and they kept the picture a secret from her mother. Unfortunately, her father died before the anniversary day and the girl hesitated before showing the picture to her mother. She finally showed it to her and the mother read her husband’s card in which he said “My daughter reminded me of how lucky I am to have married you – I’ll always look into your eyes.”. The girl’s mother was touched by those words and regretted that she had not heard such sweet words from him during his life.

Moreover, Abu-Bakr asked that his wife Asmaa Bint-Omayr would be the one to wash him and prepare him for burial after his death – this is very strange especially at that time – and when someone inquired about the reason, he replied that she was the closest to his heart, and so she did.

Also, Lady Aisha teaches women how to treat their husbands. She says she once went to bed with the Prophet (SAWS) and when he was covered with her quilt, he asked her permission to let him get up and pray for an hour to his Lord (Allah), she replied that she loves to be near him yet prefers what pleases him, that is, she prefers what he likes over what she likes.

On the other hand, Ali Ibn-Abi-Taleb teaches men how to treat their wives: When he was asked to describe his relationship with his wife Fatimah, the Prophet’s daughter, Ali replied with poetry; saying that Muhammad’s daughter is his wife and peace, and that her body and soul are entwined with his. Once Ali found his wife Fatimah brushing her teeth with a sewak (part of a tree bark that people use to clean their teeth), again, he came up with some funny poetry about the sewak to make her laugh.

Fatimah too joked with her husband. The Prophet (SAWS) walked in and heard her and Ali laughing out loud, they stopped when he came in, so he asked them about what made them laugh. They had been married for six or seven years then. Ali replied that she insisted that she was older than him although that was not true. Fatimah replied that she was older. So the prophet told his daughter that Ali was right. He thought she was being serious. She replied that she knew that but was only joking with her husband.

There is also Abdullah Ibnul-Mubarak, he was a great companion of the Prophet (SAWS) who fought for one year and went for hajj[6] the next; once he was on hajj and missed his wife, so he sent her a message with someone, nowadays we can send text messages to each other in seconds, he had to send a message with a messenger. His message said “My soul missed your soul, did you feel it?” 

The Prophet (SAWS) was sitting in his house one day and heard a knocking on the door and when asked who it was he heard a voice similar to lady Khadijah’s voice – that was long after her death. He wished it would be Hala, Khadijah’s sister, as he missed Khadijah and wanted to see one of her relatives. It turned out to be Hala, and he was very happy to see her.

Can this really happen? Of course it can! Allah (SWT) says what can be translated as “Say, ‘in case you (really) love Allah, then closely follow me, (and) Allah will love you and forgive you your guilty (deeds)…’” (TMQ, 3:31). Allah (SWT) also says what can be translated as “Indeed you have already had a fair example, in the Messenger of Allah …” TMQ( 33:21). Let’s apply the social aspect of the Prophet’s (SAWS) life.

The important question now is why do we lose love, didn’t Allah (SWT) create amity and mercy deep in our hearts? We lose love when we neglect it. A general rule in life is that anything that is neglected and not taken care of withers up and dies. Love is about actions, not hidden feelings. It’s like a bank account. When you were engaged you had a huge balance of love to rely on, but over the days you keep drawing from that account until you can draw no more – that’s when you can’t tolerate a small argument that you could have tolerated a few years ago. You have to deposit in your wife’s or your husband’s love account, deposit small actions like a smile, a hug, a call to their family members, to protect your love against disputes and hard times. Let’s take advantage of Ramadan, pray together, supplicate together, hold each other’s hands. Again, love is about actions, about effort.

Allah (SWT) said “amity and mercy”, not “love”, what’s the difference? Love is an inner feeling, but amity is a manifestation of love, amity is an action. Love is an invisible feeling, but a smile is an action, that’s amity. That’s why one of Allah’s Most Beautiful Names is Al-Wadud, The Ever-Affectionate, because when Allah (SWT) loves someone an action results; The Prophet (SAWS) said “when Allah loves a person, He calls Jibril (Angel “Gabriel”) and says (to him): ‘I love so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ So Jibril loves him. Then he makes an announcement in the heaven saying ‘Allah loves so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ Then the inhabitants of heaven (the angels) would love him, and acceptance is established for him on earth”. So start depositing in your spouses’ emotion accounts, work together to bring the love back. How long would it take? I would say about a month, from experience, Allah willing. Allah (SWT) assures us that the love is there.

Do not be miserly with your feelings; do not let your spouses look for love outside your homes. Express your feelings and do not be shy. Salman al-Faresi saw Abul-Dardaa’s wife in a bad state, neglecting her appearance and when asked for the reason, she told him that her husband neglected her, as he was busy with worship day and night. This was during the time of the companions, and she was a pious woman, but nowadays, many women in the same situation would start looking for love outside their homes, it is not justifiable, but men should not drive their wives to that. May Allah forgive us all and bring all those husbands and wives who hear us today closer together.
 

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[1] The word Allah is the Arabic term for God. Although the use of the word “Allah” is most often associated with Islam, it is not used exclusively by Muslims; Arab Christians and Arabic-speaking Jews also use it to refer to the One God. The Arabic word expresses the unique characteristics of the One God more precisely than the English term. Whereas the word “Allah” has no plural form in Arabic, the English form does. Allah is the God worshipped by all Prophets, from Adam to Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.

[2] SAAWS= Salla Allah alayhe Wa Salam [All Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him].

[3]  AWJ= Aza-Wa-Jal [Glorified and Sublime be He].

[4]  TMQ=Translation of the Meaning of the Qur’an.  This translation is for the realized meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah: Ayah)  of the Qur’an.  Reading the translated meaning of the Qur’an can never replace reading it in Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.

[6] Hajj: The pilgrimage to Makkah during the first half of the month of Dhul-Hijjah, and is the fifth pillar of Islam.

Fiqh Of Love

Fiqh of Love – The Fiqh of Marriage in Islam is the official recording of an AIMaghrib Institute seminar. What you hold in your hands is a detailed look at the process and rites of marriage in Islam as explained by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. The seminar begins with a discussion of the various concepts of love as defined by Islam and other competing theories. It then presents the flqh of marriage beginning with the search for a suitable spouse, following the entire process including the details of the marriage contract and then concluding with advice for marriage life. This amazing seminar is a testament to the comprehensive nature of Islam as well as to the mercy and sensitivity of Allah that He should make clear to us the right way even in our most intimate affairs. Insha’Allah, you’ll witness your Eman growing stronger as your understanding of the wisdom of the Qur’an and Sunnah comes alive in your mind, in your soul, and in your heart. We call it an EmanRush! Visit EmanRush.com for a complete list of available single CD’s and other available seminars.

CD 1 | CD 2 | CD 3 | CD 4 | CD 5 | CD 6 | CD 7 | CD 8 | CD 9 | CD 10 | CD 11 | CD 12 | CD 13 | CD 14 | CD 15 |

Love and Islam

http://islamicink.wordpress.com/2007/03/01/verily-i-was-filled-with-love-for-her/

 

So you’ve known this sister/brother for a while now, and you’ve realized that you’ve come to love them and would like to get married to them. However, you’re stumped on what to do next. You feel guilty for feeling this way and think that you’re sinning. You have this feeling of sincere love inside you for them. You are not sure what their reaction will be. You do not know what to do, tell them how you feel or just conceal your love? You’ve realized that in all your days, every lecture you’ve attended, every book you’ve read, you haven’t been told about what to do when you feel like this. You begin to wonder what is the proper thing for me to do? You feel embarrassed to admit this feeling and feel scared to tell your friends much less your parents.
You aren’t the only out there who feels like this! Read on..
One of the most taboo subjects these days among our families and among ourselves generally, at least from what I’ve noticed is to speak about love. It has become quite a taboo where one who mentions it is seen in a different light (usually not a good one). There is this feeling of guilt when one feels this emotion and usually we are led to believe it is haram.

So the question comes, how do we deal with this feeling?

I know personally that I wouldn’t have the guts to go to my parents and tell them, “Mom, Dad, I want to get married to this sister, because I love her”. Or even if I did, I would go in wearing a helmet or something fearing the notorious backhand of doom. But this doesn’t mean that they are wrong, it is only that in our cultures this subject has become one which is not spoken about.

The fact is that we don’t hear about love in the Masajid and neither in our Halaqas. But love is something that was written books about by earlier scholars such as Ibn Hazm Al Andulusi (who is actually referred to as the Faqi of Love) who wrote Tawq Al Hamamah (Ring of the Dove) and Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah wrote Rawdatul Muhibbeen (The Garden of the Lovers). So why are we shy to ask about this today and learn the Islamic viewpoint on this subject? Why do we not ask about what Allah has said about this and what Allaah’s Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said about this?

Frankly, for some people when the word love is used, it is but a substitute for lust. Others think of it only in a universal sense as Love of Allaah and Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam. But love is something that is broader than that. No doubt Love for Allaah and Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam is something that, without it, we won’t have Iman.

However the love referred to here is the love between a man and a woman and it is something that if you are in it, it’s signs will show up on you.

Al Bousseeri said in his poetry:

 

“Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved),
Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain,
How do you deny love after the testimony,
Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses
as your tears and your illness.
Love indeed transforms pleasure into pain.”

> So What Does Allaah Say About Love?

Allah says in the Qur’an:

“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.”
[Ar Room 30:21]

The key words in the verse are – Mawaddatan wa Rahmah – which translates as Love and Mercy. The interesting thing to note about this verse is to notice the location of this verse along with the verses that precede it and those that come after. Allah mentions His Signs (Night/Day, Heaven/Earth, Man/Woman) and He puts the feeling of Love and Mercy between spouses in the same value as the creation of Heaven & Earth. Now then how can we ignore such a great Sign of Allaah?

> What is Love?

Ibn Hazm says describing the nature of love:

Of Love-may God exalt you! -the first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion, nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God’s hands.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Love is of two types as the scholars have defined.

Hubb
Ishq
Hubb is the arabic word for love and it is made up of the letters Ha (ح) and Ba (ب). On a side note, to recognize the beauty of the arabic language, when one says Hubb, the Ha comes from deep inside the throat which almost chokes you (as love does) and when you end the word with Ba, the lips come together as if it were a kiss.

Ibn Qayyim differentiated between Hubb and Ishq. He said Hubb was pure and noble love whilst Ishq was a forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. He meant this was when someone would go to Haram measures to be with the one they love.

There are many reasons for falling in love. Ibn Hazm proceeds to describe the reasons of love:

If the cause of Love were physical beauty, the consequence would be that no body defective in any shape or form would attract admiration; yet we know of many a man actually preferring the inferior article, though well aware that another is superior, and quite unable to turn his heart away from it. Again, if Love were due to a harmony of characters, no man would love a person who was not of like purpose and in concord with him. We therefore conclude that Love is something within the soul itself. Sometimes, it is true, Love comes as a result of a definite cause outside the soul, but then it passes away when the cause itself disappears: one who is fond of you because of a certain circumstance will turn his back on you when that motive no longer exists.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Physical beauty is not the main cause of love, though yes it does help in falling in love and is a reason for love to grow between spouses. However, it is to be understood that Love cannot be limited to such, because if it were then there are many people that can never hope of getting married. In fact love is something deeper which comes from inside, a mercy that Allaah has placed into the hearts of His creation.

It is necessary for us who live in an environment surrounded by Haram to check our reasons for our love, whether we are loving them in a pure sense for the sake of Allaah (yes even for our spouses) or is it merely based on our desires and lusts. Lets make sure that our reason is the former.

> An Example of Love

The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam when speaking about his wife Khadija said: “Verily, I was filled with love for her.”

However, today we find that many of us are shy to express our love. In fact, many consider it a sign of weakness to say “I love so and so” and they consider it a blow to their pride to tell their spouse, “I love you”. But here and in other narrations (will be mentioned later) that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam was not shy to express his love of his wife. And notice that he didn’t simply say, “I love her” and leave it at that, but he said, “I was filled with love for her” and this means that it was a true real love that he had for Khadija (Radiallahu Anha) and that he was not shy to express it.

> So What is the Islamic Ruling on Love?

Love is not something forbidden. Ibn Hazm says in his awesome book, Tawq Al Hamamah:

“And yet, when was loving banned?
Did Muhammad so command,
Or is man forbidden it
By the words of Holy Writ?”

Meaning that niether did the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam forbid love nor was it forbidden by Allaah in the Qur’an.

Secondly, love in and of itself is not in our control. It is mentioned that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said when he used to allocate between his wives “O Allah, this is my distribution for what I have control of, but please don’t hold me accountable for something I cannot control (his love for A’isha.)”

This proves that even the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam loved some of his wives more than others and his love for one was something he could not control at times. Ibn Hazm mentions that someone said, “O ameer ul mu’mineen…I’m in love with her.” So then Umar (Radiallahu Anhu) replied, “It’s not in your hands, what can I do for you?”

Ibn Qayyim said in Al Jawab Al Kafi:
“As for loving women, there is no blame on a person who has love for them. On the contrary, it is part of his perfection (as a human being) for Allah says “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between you”

Ibn Jawzi says in his Dhaamul Hawaa:

“If you haven’t loved passionately or known the meaning of desire then get up and eat hay for you are nothing but a donkey.” & “You and the hard rock are equal.”

These quotes from Ibn Qayyim and Ibn Jawzi show that they not only considered love as something that occurs, but rather it is a sign of perfection. So when you feel love for someone, do not consider it as a flaw in yourself, rather it is a sign that you have a heart and it is a sign of your humanity. This emotion that is felt shows that there is mercy in you and that your heart is soft.

Ibn Qayyim also says:
“When we speak of rulings of love, we must describe two things. One is optional and one is not. The optional love is what leads to love (eyesight, association, etc.) and this is the love that you have to beware of (for it may lead to unlawful acts.) The non optional love, if it happens by the sudden look, or natural passions that develop, you cannot be blamed for it, but it’s how you react to it that Allah will hold you to accountable for.”

Be careful when you are in contact with the one you love for it may lead to that which is forbidden and be mindful of Allaah.

Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said,
“The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and A’isha (r.a.)”

Masrouq (a narrator) would refer to A’isha (Radiallahu Anha) in the following way:

“And on the authority of the Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam” (Meaning A’isha (Radiallahu Anha))

Nowadays when we think of love stories, the first that pops up in our minds in Romeo and Juliet. But what happened with them? They committed suicide. Their love was nothing more than Zina and had they lived on to get married they would have ended in a divorce due to the fact that their love never went any test such as marriage and it wasn’t for the sake of Allaah. The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said: “For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.” (Sunan Ibn Majah) What sets apart the love of the Messenger and Aisha is the fact that they were married and in their marriage their love grew for each other.

Mentioned in Bukhari, narrated Abu Uthman:

Allah’s Apostle sent ‘Amr bin Al As as the commander of the troops of Dhat-us-Salasil. ‘Amr bin Al-’As said, “(On my return) I came to the Prophet and said, ‘Which people do you love most?’ He replied, ‘Aisha.’ I said, ‘From amongst the men?’ He replied, ‘Her father (Abu Bakr)’.

Two things about this Hadith strike me the most. The first is that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam is not shy to admit that the person that he loves the most is his wife Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) And secondly when asked about from the men, he doesn’t simply say ‘Abu Bakr’ (Radiallahu Anhu), but he still attributes it to Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) by saying, ‘Her Father”. Indeed the love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam to Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) was an example to us.

Other such narrations occur which show the Messenger’s salalahu alaihiwassalam love for his wife. One that shows his humility to his wives is this one that is narrated in Sahih Al Bukhari on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Radiallahu Anhu) who said,

“I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel).”
> What is the Correct Thing To Do if You’re in Love?

Love usually starts from the eye, and this is why Allaah has commanded

{”Tell the believers to lower their eyes and protect their private parts…”}
[an-Nur; 30]

Love at first sight is a fact and it does occur. The Messenger said

“The glance is a poisoned arrow of shaytaan. Whoever lowers his gaze for Allah, He will bestow upon him a refreshing sweetness, which he will find in his heart on the day he meets Him.” [Al Hakim]

Ironically we find in our times a representation of falling in love the little cupids that shoot arrows into hearts thus causing the stricken to have ‘fallen in love’.

There are many ways to fall in love, (Ibn Hazm even mentions that one can even fall in love whilst asleep!) but the key fact to remember is that, yes love is not forbidden and you won’t be held accountable for loving someone, but disobeying Allaah in expression of your love is Haram and it something we must be mindful of.

When you are in love, it’s signs will show up on you regardless of how much you try to hide them. Believe it or not, the scholars have actually written out a list about them (these are general):

Eyes are wide open, they are smiling, looking towards the sky, not paying attention. Lost in Thought.
The person talks too much about his beloved.
When they are in presence of each other, full attention is given to each other.
Lover usually hurries up to meet loved one.
Sudden confusion/excitement at mere sighting of loved one.
Everything else blanks out but the beloved.
Stop sleeping at night and start daydreaming.
Wasting the day.
Weeping – Getting very emotional.
For two that love each other, the best thing is marriage as the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said: “For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.” (Sunan ibn Majah) And marriage should not be put off by mere issues that conflict with a person’s preference if the preference is in matters that are the type that can be overlooked. The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said “If a man whose practice of the religion satisfies you, asks you for your daughter in marriage, you should marry them; otherwise there will be corruption in the land.” (Hasan – at-Tirmidhee)

And marriage is what is encouraged (and it’s the best option) because marriage is a test and within it there come many issues that put the love at test and it is also a cause for love to grow stronger. So it is said that real love begins after the ‘in love’ phase is over. Usually when two go in to marriage all is well for the first few months and then it starts to break down. Why? Because they fail to continue to keep this love up. The love becomes conditional and the value is lost. So they start worrying about their rights yet they forget their own responsibilities. The husband demands his rights and the wife hers and in the middle of this tug of war they lose their love for each other.

Here’s a tip to a successful marriage: Look towards your obligations, and do your utmost to fulfill them. Don’t look towards your rights – in fact, forget about them; and this is for both the brothers and the sisters. Go into marriage with a mindset that’s saying: “I’m going to fulfill the obligations that my Lord has obligated me to fulfill for His pleasure”. I can guarantee, Insha’Allaah, that if you were to enter into marriage with this attitude, anything that your spouse does for you (a gift, or roses, or cooks you your favorite dish etc.) will seem like a big deal and you’ll appreciate it a whole lot more. Why? Because you weren’t expecting it. A Muslim is always seeking from Allaah, and not from the creation. And if they don’t do anything special for you, you won’t feel put down. So seek from Allaah and expect from Him alone, you’ll never be disappointed.

Ibn Abbas said, “I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Hasan]

But marriage is different topic, it is mentioned here only because it is the proper way to go for two who love each other.

>What if it’s a No?

Yes. This is the worst part about love. When your beloved does not want to return the feelings that you have for them.

Imam Shafiee has written a poem on this matter:

و من الشَقاوة أن تحبَ
و من تحبُ يحبُ غيرك
أو أن تريد الخير للأن
سان و هو يريد ضيرك

“And from misery is that you love,
and (the one) who you love, loves other than you,
or that you want good for a person,
and he wants to hurt you”.

Yeah this is the worst part of it, but there is not much that can be done at this state. Ibn Hazm (yes him again) has written regarding this:

And among the accidents of love is the violent anxiety and silencing intensity of feeling which overcome the lover when he sees the beloved avoiding him and eschewing him; and the sign of that is sighing, and lack of vivacity, and sobbing, and having deep sighs: and on that subject I have made a poem, from which I quote:

The beautiful patience is imprisoned,
And tears are bursting forth from the eyes!
The best that can be done at this state is patience for not everyone who has loved has been blessed with a return of the same emotion from the beloved. It’s tough, yes, very and if you were sincere in your love then it will give you many a sleepless nights and restless days but try and move on. Ask Allaah to replace this loss with something better.

> In Conclusion

I end this here with some advice for the brothers and sisters:

Brothers – If you love a sister, let her know (don’t go up to her when there’s a chance that you two will end up alone – in fact, in my humble opinion don’t go up to her at all. Send in a reconnaissance, i.e. your sister or someone likewise). If she’s understanding, she’ll appreciate it. Go to your parents and ask them to get you married (no matter how hard that is) and go about it the Halal way. Also as a side note, know that it is pointless to debate with women, they’ll end up winning. And don’t give her a hard time if she can’t cook. Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) couldn’t cook either.

Sisters – If you love a brother, let him know (again as above, not when there is a chance that you two will end up alone). Insha’Allah he’ll understand. Tell your parents about it (its even harder for you, I’m sure). If you have a brother try to get him to talk to the one you love. Keep it Halal. And lastly, know that the way to a man’s heart is through good food.
To end this I quote Ibn Hazm:

“The finest quality that a man can display in Love is continence: to abstain from sin and all indecency. For so he will prove himself to be not indifferent to the heavenly reward, that eternal bliss reserved by God for those who dwell in His everlasting kingdom, neither will he disobey his Master Who has been so gracious to him, in appointing him to be a creature worthy to receive His commandments and prohibitions, Who sent unto him His Messengers, and caused His Word to be immovably established with him-all this as a mark of His care for us, and His benevolence towards us.”
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

How To Be An Outstanding Husband & Wife

 

 

Husband
Sheikh Muhammad AlShareef shares with his listeners many pearls of wisdom in this lecture. The target audience is, of course, Muslim brothers. But this lecture is incredibly beneficial for sisters as well. There is a great deal of insight that both husbands and wives can benefit from. It is comprised of a series of techniques that the Sheikh offers to husbands (and future husbands) on how to please one’s wife and insha’Allah become an ideal husband. The techniques offered are all-encompassing, and the main source of evidence for these techniques is the seerah of Rasoolallah (s). Many touching and heart-warming ahadith are mentioned about the Prophet’s (s) interactions with his wives, with many priceless lessons to be learned from these.

Wife
Most Muslims have heard numerous lectures on women’s rights in Islam. In particular, the woman’s rights and obligations as a wife are discussed a great deal amongst Western audiences. As important as this topic may be, it is refreshing to hear someone discuss the role of the Muslim wife in a new light. Rather than simply focusing on the Shari’ah and controversial women’s issues, Sheikh Muhammad shares some excellent techniques on how the wife can please her husband as well as please Allah in this lecture. He offers Muslim women a series of techniques on how to win the heart of her husband, as well as uphold her responsibilities as a Muslim wife. Incorporated into this lecture are many examples from the lives of the Sahaabiyaat and other notable women. Interestingly enough, some examples from books written by non-Muslim authors, such as Laura Dole’s work, “The Surrendered Wife” are also used.

CD 1

CD 2

Newlyweds : The Same Old Story

Sally Rawhey

It has to be what I want! No, what I want!

These are the two sentences each newly married couple scream out in total silence. It is unusual that they would express it to each other, but their actions indicate what is going on in their minds. Who will lead the battle, who will carry an army of patience and who will allow his armies to attack?

They entered this marriage in the name of love, or even in the name of mutual understanding and respect, however, the first months and years of marriage encourage a lot of destructive weapons, strategic planning and explosive intentions.

Let’s not be too dramatic. Let’s move in slowly and see what it’s all about.

He walked in and closed the door behind you….. You smiled, that’s the moment you have been waiting for so long. Just you and him finally in your home – husband and wife – and a future of happiness. He is all yours and you are all his… what could go wrong? Simply nothing!

Take some advice, cross the ‘no’ out of this dialog, because unfortunately there are a lot of things ahead. A lot of it is negative. It is not a smooth road ahead! No! Marriage is so far from it. It is sweet yes, but bitter sweet! Here are some bites for you to taste.

Some Money …. Less money…. No money

Here’s the situation: You had the wedding you wanted, you furnished the flat you struggled for, and you spent on the honeymoon you fancied. You are now back to reality with no money, some debts and a lot of blame!

Hubby: ? told you there was no need for all the expenses you insisted on for the wedding!”

Wife: “You didn’t seem to mind adding 20 couples to the list after we finished our budget…”

Hubby: “ We were not supposed to buy all that stuff on our honeymoon…”

Wife: “You were supposed to make better calculations..”

Money is among your first enemies; actually the lack of it straight after you have tied the knot. If you believe that the word “I” is spoken more than any other word, take this dare, the word money will pop up more with a newly-wed couple. Who takes the salary into his hand? Will he save any money? Will this money be enough for the month? Where did your money go? You said you would give me more money?

Money, money…money…is the much hated friend that shares your marriage. It can even destroy it, especially in those early days when its scarcity can be translated by both partners as stinginess, selfishness or even failure.

Habits…Habits…and More Habits..

These will surely create some waves of fury as you swim your way into your life-long relationship with your spouse. She takes all the covers to herself and rolls in it like a salmon sandwich. He snores like a rhino all night long. She spends hours showering and there is only one toilet to use when nature calls. He doesn’t seem to mind the suffocating smell that comes out of his shoes and takes it lightly. She does not pick up her clothes and leaves them piled on the couch.

He and she both have different habits that they have been living with for years and years and simply do not care to change after marriage, no matter how annoying these might be to the other party. One woman complained at the beginning of her marriage that her husband insisted on carrying her once he stepped into the house, like some kind of obsession, he would lift her off the ground immediately as soon as he saw her.

At the beginning it was cute and sweet and you name it, but when this habit continued on a daily basis even after they had their first baby, she was greatly alarmed. Her husband was more interested to carry her than he cared to carry his baby son.

And years went by and the habit never lost momentum with him; he continued to carry her unless he was sick. And the son grew, watching his father carry his mother all around the house. Then one day the mother walked into the house to find her son moving towards her and sweeping her off the ground, carrying her in his arms just like his father. That is when she could not take it any more.

What an interesting habit! Too bad she didn’t like it! But then again one finds it difficult to accept other people’s habits that are alien to him. Often time makes it bearable but at other times a habit is painful and a continuous topic of arguments between husband and wife.

My family Vs Your family…

Dividing time among the in-laws is a major issue to newly-weds. It is an issue that is better discussed and finalized before marriage. This is one issue were six people have to be satisfied, not just the married couple, and it also includes two sets of parents who are still learning how to let go of their “kids” to their new life. It requires a lot of sacrifice, a lot of understanding and a lot of patience to reach a deal that is accepted by all.

It is so difficult; .a task that even Superman would consider “dangerous”! Both spouses want the day off with their parents; each wants the first day of Ramadan with their parents; each wants the first day of Eid with their parents…and so on and so forth.

Who Stole the Fire?

The fire of love will often lose its glow after the first few months of marriage and the intensity of the emotions that used to shift and turn them in waves of romance, will lighten up. Usually a woman spots this case first and turns to her husband with another fire in her eyes asking, “What changed you? You haven’t said you love me all week? You come back from work and sit in front of the TV in total silence! You don’t want to drive me any where, after you used to beg me to drive me any where! You don’t love me any more!?!”

Or a husband could even be the first to track the situation, and cynically accuse the wife of changing, “Why is your hair such a mess, and what is this you’re wearing, you look like Hassan Metwaly, my buddy from my army days!

You only talk about what the house is missing but you never make me feel that you’re happy; we’re happy together…bla, bla, bla “

It is a long list of complaints that rise to the surface when the strong churning feelings of love sink below the normal routine of a married couple. In life, nothing remains with its strong intensity, everything eventually fades out. A scientist would tell me that this is the law of Osmosis, or is it diffusion…the diffusion of the strong, burning heat of love to a cooler existence that all married couple eventually live in.

There are countless problems that could plague a new marriage and shake its roots before it has time to grow deep and strong. The newly-married couple could well be struggling with financial difficulties, in-law problems, lack of accommodation, full working schedules combined with the unfamiliarity of living under the same roof with a spouse. What to do? Grab two chairs, put a smile on your faces and two, big breaths from each of you. Better set the rules now, and make your agreements before it turns into a ‘blame war’. And remember as you sit before each other with demands, that marriage is all about sacrifices.

A more important part of smoothing your relationship during those tough, first years is to do beautiful things together. The first thing to do is to snatch any chance to Pray together. Encourage your partner to read or recite Qur?n together. Visit each of your families together. Do anything that brings good to other people and do it together. You will find that nothing will get you closer to your spouse than yielding good deeds together. It is only by being together that will you stay together!

The Marriage Project: Building a Renewed Matrimonial System

Article by Rami Mahmoud Elsawah

Islamic matrimonial services….

Auntie networks…

Friends who can’t even get married themselves…

The average Muslim waits two to three years to get married from the time he or she begins searching, according to a friend of mine in the matrimonial business. I did not believe him until two years ago, when I began actively searching for a spouse myself. I thought the process would be easy as pie. After all, I can cook very well, am kind to my mother, religiously conservative, and have been told I have good character. Yet now, single and frustrated, I have come to take aim at the disdainful state of the social networks available for Muslims to get married. You would think after all, that the cooking factor alone would have had the sisters lining up out the door with applications in hand.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I have met some very nice sisters along my path towards marriage; though unfortunately ethnicity, her ‘education’, lifestyle compatibility, (i.e. the usual culprits of delayed marriage) played a factor. I know many brothers in similar situations. With almost seven million Muslims in America, should not at least a few dozen candidates out there fit like a glove? The problem is where are they hiding, and how do you find them? I believe a better system exists out there which we as a Muslim community can integrate and adapt.

An Introduction to the Problem: “Auntie Network” Defects

Let me introduce you to a few scenarios from the Auntie scene:

a) He’s a man; she’s a woman, perfect match!

b) “Brother, I have a good religious sister for you.”
“Okay, umm…does she wear hijab”?
“Well…I don’t know”.
“Great, thanks”

c) “Sister, I have a religious brother for you”
“Okay, please you tell me a little about him.”
“Well, he’s 35, born and raised in a country you’ve only visited a few times in your life, speaks broken English, and needs a visa.”

The first place a Muslim turns to when looking for a spouse are a set narrow enclaves of families and friends which are unskilled and give the average Muslim only a handful of candidates to choose from. These micro-independent networks — aka “the auntie networks’ — are riddled with manufacturers’ defects, all of which are well known and need not be named here. Generally, in a macro view, the problem sums up to two issues:

1) Few choices – Considering the fact that approximately seven million Muslims live in America, even being introduced to 10 candidates is barely scratching the surface of possibilities.

2) Poor matching criteria – Really, enough said.

A Bigger Network with Bigger Issues: The Online Matrimonial Service

Online Matrimonial services attempt to remedy the first issue of few choices within the micro-independent networks by widening the scope to national and even international candidates. Yet bypassing the human networks leaves the candidate with impersonal and cold matching criteria — and many times ridiculous. Here are some examples:

Zawaj.com: Gender / Age / Height / Country. (That helps much!)

Muslima.com: **Horoscope Sign** / Education / Occupation / Country / Ethnicity / Physical (Age, height, Appearance, etc).

Icmarriage.com: Education / Occupation / Country / Ethnicity / Physical (Age, body type, etc) / Head Scarf? / Practicing pillars of Islam? / Marital Status / Have children? / Want children?

Now, I ask two questions:

1) Where are the Religious Criteria? ICmarriage is the only one that even mentions religious criteria at all, yet all profess to be MUSLIM matrimonial services. I don’t know about you, but wearing a head scarf and practicing the five pillars is the absolute, positive, and any other word you can mention, minimum religious criteria.

2) Are Her and My Software Compatible? None of the online matrimonial services address personality issues which are essential for a lasting marriage. Emotional stability, sexual desire, personality agreeableness; why are not any of these aspects addressed?

Behold Progress! But Sadly not from the Muslims:

What makes a person really have a good marriage?
What is important to him or her?
Why are so many young Muslims single?
Why does practically every Muslim in America have at least one friend that is divorced?

“In 2000, backed by over 35 years of clinical and empirical research, Dr. Warren transformed the way singles are introduced online when he launched eHarmony – the first relationship service on the Web to use a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles.”

I decided to do some research into eHarmony. The service was created for one purpose, to lower the divorce rate in America. How, you ask? By matching people according to factors that contribute to healthy marriage. I checked it out and give a comparison to Muslim matrimonial sites. Needless to say we don’t even come close.

“At eHarmony our patented Compatibility Matching System ® narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles with whom you share deep levels of compatibility. Where other sites match on a picture and a paragraph, eHarmony matches you based on compatibility in the most important areas of life – like values, character, intellect, sense of humor, spiritual beliefs, passion, and up to 24 other dimensions.”

You would be hard pressed to tell an auntie that intimacy in marriage is a five out of seven in importance to you, or that being around someone who is unable to keep their cool is three out of five; but these are just two of the 436 questions used to rate you on Agreeableness, Openness, Emotional Stability, Conscientiousness, & Extraversion. It is quite impressive; check out a little sample of my ten page personality profile:

Conscientiousness:

Your approach toward your obligations is:
FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:
Spontaneous, Natural, Intuitive, Somewhat Disorganized, Perceptive, Unpredictable At Times

“A General Description of How You Interact with Others
When there’s a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it’s to be completed. For you, that’s a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: “Organize the kitchen sometime this spring” or “Get the project at work done as soon as possible.” You don’t need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done. “

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
“People may have problems with your style for two reasons. First, you don’t always follow the rules or go along with detailed plans, whether at work or at home. Those who need the details to stay on task just don’t quite understand how you are going to get it all done. Second, while you get things done – the way you veer off course at times and use your creativity may leave others wondering what went on. Some people find all this creativity and thinking “out-of-the-box” at odds with their desire to follow a clear course. And this causes not only some confusion it may also spark some anger toward you at times. Even you would likely admit that living and working with you takes someone who is able to let you do your thing at times. If someone is really tied to a rigid approach to how things should get done, there is clearly the potential for some conflict with you. “

Believer it or not, this was only a small sample of the entire description for conscientiousness. In the end, I was matched to two Muslim sisters whose personality traits seemed to fit quite nicely with mine. As a Muslim though, we have other criteria which are essential to an Islamic marriage i.e., things such as dress, prayer, staying at home, relationship with Allah, etc.

I suggest going online and taking the questionnaire. Having a ten-page personality profile for marriage is great to have and keep for reference. Share it with potential spouses or with your current spouse. Even just answering the questionnaire gave me some insight into what degree I consider certain factors important.

What our next step should be:

Needless to say, the Muslim matrimonial systems, whether personal or online, need drastic reform.

Firstly, we need to refine our criteria based upon deep levels of compatibility in order to create more and better lasting marriages insha Allah. Secondly, once people begin to see how successful and happy these relationships can be insha Allah, we can build on that success and further expand our networks to increase the likelihood of finding a candidate. Thirdly, friends, family & aunties need to sit down and evaluate each candidate on a deeper level. For once, try for meaningful matches based upon real personality, religion, lifestyle compatibility, not X & Y chromosomes.

Perhaps a Muslim with a flair for business and a heart of sincerity could set up an eHarmony style matrimonial service to give Muslims the extra ability to match on religious requirements needed (wears hijab, prays, etc.) and at the same time, match you based on how your personalities fit towards marriage.

Conversely, perhaps if enough Muslims write to eHarmony and ask for the few extra religious search criteria for Muslims, we can save ourselves the effort of re-inventing the wheel and build off of their foundation. Insha Allah, I will be the first to do so.

Your comments, more than anything, will insha Allah help us as a community to at least get this issue out in the open and on the forefront of needs to be addressed. Imams need to take place in this discussion. Some voices like Yaser Birjas have been very vocal on a national level on this topic, but all imams deal with marital issues on a day to day basis. Now it’s time for all of us as brothers and sister to join in the discussion.

According to Dr. Muhammad Sadiq, Muslim families have problem with the following issues: anger management & impotence (men), anxiety disorder (women & children), and depression & paranoia (men & women). Evaluating core traits such as Emotional Temperament, Social Style, Cognitive Mood and Physicality like eHarmony does, might be able to help us get rid of so many of the marital issues facing Muslims today.

Inter-Cultural Marriages: Islamic Perspective

Question
What does Islam say about inter-cultural marriages, between an Arab Muslim woman, and an American Muslim convert, where the parents of the Arab woman are opposed to the marriage due to cultural differences?
Answer

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.

Islam is beyond and above cultures and traditions. In Islam the criteria is Islamic and not cultural. The important thing is to make sure that this prospective husband or wife is a good Muslim. Race and ethnicity are not considered. However, we must recognize that some difficulties may arise due to some differences in customs, etc. These must be known and addressed in the beginning.

If the parents are not accepting we must know what are their reasons? Are the reasons Islamic or just pure taste? It is therefore, important for the son/daughter to establish communication with his/her parents. If he/she is not able to communicate with them on his/her own, he/she may be better advised to seek other channels in the community to talk to them. Anyway one is required to deal most affectionately with his/her parents, and seek to please them in all other ways.

Elaborating on the issue of inter-cultural marriages in general, we’d like to cite the following fatwa:

“Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) has told us that “there is no difference (superiority) of an Arab Muslim over a non-Arab Muslim or of a non-Arab Muslim over an Arab Muslim except in the level of taqwa (or God consciousness and fear).” Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also instructed the Muslims to choose their spouses based on the level of piousness and not based on wealth, family lineage, or looks. Also, cross-cultural marriages do have their built-in problems since you would be sharing your life with a person (and his family) who come from a totally different culture, so, try to be clear about the issues that may cause problems in the future.”

Excerpted, with modifications, from: www.islamicity.com

Focusing on the authority of parents to oppose a marriage of their daughter due to cultural differences, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:
“Compatibility entails a person’s worth in a spiritual and moral sense: the only primary criterion that makes or breaks a marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “If a person of acceptable religion and character presents himself for marriage, marry him, otherwise, there would be widespread sedition and rampant corruption in the land.”

Therefore, if a woman has made a choice based on the above consideration, then her parents have no right to stop her marriage. Since it is her choice to eat the food she wishes to eat, likewise, it is her choice to decide whom she wishes to choose as a life-long partner. They cannot stop her from marrying the person she wants simply because the person is not sharing her culture or ethnic background.

Parents, however, have the authority to intervene should their daughter choose someone of questionable moral and religious character. Should she proceeds in such a case against their wishes, her marriage is deemed null and void according to the rules of Islamic jurisprudence.

If, however, her parents objection to her marriage is based purely on racial, cultural or ethnic grounds, she is allowed to seek other channels of authority to intervene in such a case, as long as the person of her choice is of acceptable religion and character. The concerned authority is supposed to get the parental consent to the marriage.”

Shedding more light on the issue of cultural background as an element to ensure marital stability, the late Sheikh Sayyed Ad-Darsh, former Chairman of the UK Shari`ah Council, states:
“Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life-long relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the relationship should be avoided as much as is possible.
Highly educated males and females should seek partners with a similar educational background. Cultural and family background is very important. Common language is an essential way of communicating. Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and relate to one another and are factors of stability and success – as are financial independence and the ability to provide a decent acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of ensuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy life. All ways and means should be considered, giving a solid basis for a new human experience which is expected to provide a framework for a happy, successful and amicable life.
The questions of common language, cultural background, education and age, etc., are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximize the chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic institution, that of marriage. However, considering the particular position of Muslim communities living in minority situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all sorts of challenges – be they cultural, linguistic, racial or social.
The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one. As far as language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place. If the prospective partner is of good character, with a strong religious inclination, and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance.”
To conclude, though sharing the same cultural background is an important element in ensuring the stability of the long-life partnership and avoiding the problems of cultural differences, the most important criterion is the religious one.
Allah Almighty knows best.

Be A Really Good Wife

Author Unknown

Let me tell you the ways to get to his heart
Delicious food is where you should start

A really good meal – there’s nothing like it
Be it steak or biryani, kebabs or fish

When he returns home from work, greet him at the door
A really nice smile will please him for sure

Elegant clothes, make-up, perfume applied
All these things make for an attractive wife.

Serve him his meal and do it with style
The domestic woes can wait for a while.

Be a good listener – Was his day alright?
Be ready to give him support and advice

When he’s home, try to be there for him
No friend can be more important than him

If he wants to go out put everything aside
Let your company be the best thing in life

Be smiling and cheerful and do make him laugh
This is one more way of keeping his heart

Use wisdom and tact when dealing with him
Nothing can be gained by fighting with him

If he does say something which you don’t like
Do give it some thought, perhaps he’s right

As for his money, do spend it with care
Remember all the hard work it took to get there

Be grateful to him in deeds, words and thoughts
Ingratitude to husbands is disliked by God

If you do all this, it’ll improve your life
For marital bliss makes this world Paradise

And think of the reward there is in the Next
It’ll motivate you into doing your best.