A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at WIFE the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Dina Rashid
The relationship between men and women in Islam is addressed in the Qur’an and further in the Sunnah. Islam explains to us how to achieve tranquility in marriage and how to reach the highest potential in all other aspects of life.
[ And one of His [Allah's] signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find tranquillity in them, and He put between you love and mercy; most surely there are signs in this for people who reflect.) (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Inspired by our belief that better communication within Muslim families, especially between husbands and wives, is the cornerstone for building a strong, actively involved family, we wanted to shed some light on what we believe happens often in many marriage stories.
A relationship between a husband and a wife is like a garden; if it’s to thrive, it must be watered regularly, with “weather hazards” taken into account, such as any unpredictable draught or storm. New seeds must be sown, and weeds must be pulled out (Gray).
Love’s Springtime
The Prophet said, “Nothing is better for those in love than marriage.”
(Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani)
One fatwa of Shiekh Al-Qaradawi, the prominent Muslim scholar, states what means that love is lawful in Islam as long as that love comes in spite of the person, that person doesn’t go out of the way especially to seek these emotions, and that all Islamic guidelines are kept in mind. However, there is a suggestion that the traditional route for marriage usually has better results.
The beginning of love is its springtime; this is when you feel that you will stay happy forever. This corresponds to the Islamic engagement and `aqd (official documentation of marriage) time and may last for a few months before marriage! During that time, you always find excuses to your partner’s mistakes; you may even become unable to see the mistakes or differences. But this fire of emotions in many cases does not stay forever. Marriage and family therapist Glenn Lutjens suggests that this change takes place in every relationship because of three factors:time, distance, and desire.
Time. When you get married, you have more time to observe your spouse’s behavior. You see things that weren’t so noticeable at “springtime.”
Distance. You now see him up close. There’s no “see you next week.” You now see him when he’s hungry and tired. Women may have their “time of the month,” and men have their “time of the day”! When his stomach is empty, you may see a whole new side of your man you never knew existed.
Desire. Some of the behavior during those days probably wasn’t so deliberate. That type of romantic fire shapes one’s actions; loving deeds come easily to one so smitten by romance. You probably felt the same excitement, with your reactions being affected as well. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally vision that person in a way that will make us happiest.
Love’s Summertime
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Eventually we realize that our partner is not as perfect as we thought and that we have to work on our relationship. Plants need to be watered even more frequently under a hot sun; this is how the relationship between a husband and a wife should be enriched when it’s no longer easy to give or to get love. Therefore, always remember Prophet Muhammad’s advice:
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) as saying: A believing man [husband] should not hate a believing woman [his wife]; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. (Sahih Muslim. Book 8, Number 3469)
Many couples become disillusioned after a few of months in wedlock. They give up working on the relationship and blame one another. They forget that it cannot be “springtime” all the time. Yet, no one wants to live in summer forever. So hold your breath and gather all the wisdom that Allah gave you to go through this stage and reach the tranquility, mercy, and love mentioned in the verse. These will be the lasting, calm, and warm emotions of love between a husband and wife who are living for the sake of Allah.
You can think that way: Is this the person I want to continue the rest of my life with? If the answer is “no,” then you will not be willing to invest much in this relation anyway, you will give it a weak try and then give up. If the answer is “yes,” then the question becomes “What do I do now that I found out my partner in not what I thought?” Debating whether your partner misrepresented himself or herself or you misread your partner won’t solve anything. Here are some things you may consider doing:
Choose to love your partner. Remember that it’s Allah Who makes the “love and mercy happen between the husband and the wife.
Seek Allah’s help and ask Him to make that “chemistry” happen. Also, open your heart and give your partner the benefit of doubt; stand in your partner’s shoes and try to see things from his or her perspective.
Look at how you may have changed as well after marriage.
You will not be able to actually change someone. All you can do is provide a different and favorable environment for your partner to want to change.
Realize that you may have legitimate concerns.Voice them to your partner in a constructive way with the hope that he or she will be willing to work toward change or at least understand your concerns.
Express with respect. Use “I-messages”: “I” feel and “I” think, not “you” did such and such.
Invest in this family. Paradise is worth your best effort. A little whisper in the wife’s ear is, “Allah made one important mission in this life which is to make this family happy.” The motive is wonderful. The Prophet said,
“If a woman prayed the five prayers, fasted in Ramadan, protected her honor, and obeyed her husband, then she will be told (on the Day of Judgment): Enter Paradise from any of its (eight) doors”. (Ibn Hibban)
Do not listen to voices like “He is no better than you are! Why do you have to listen?” The Prophet mentioned the advice for a reason, so do not ruin your life. Instead, invite love to your house and be patient. It is love and happiness in this life and Paradise in the hereafter.
Question
am a recent convert to Islam and I should get engaged in three months, in sha’ Allah. I do not know much about how engagement is performed in Islam and I need information on the rules to follow for the engagement ceremony so that I do my best to bring Allah’s blessing on my engagement and future marriage. I would like to know the general information and as well information on some details such as the followings:
What should we do and what should we avoid doing in the ceremony?
What should we say and avoid saying?
Are there recommendations on how I should dress and present myself? I do not wear hijab but I dress modestly without make-up and I tie my hair. May I wear a little makeup, leave my hair loose, wear a pretty but decent covering dress?
Are there recommendations about whom to invite? As well, it is possible that my non-Muslim parents refuse to come since they are against my conversion and will probably be angry that I plan to marry a Muslim man. Will my engagement be valid according to Islam if my parents do not come? Thank you.
Answer
by Sahar El-Nadi
Salam, sister.
Congratulations for your engagement and welcome to the fold of Islam.
Thank you for your trust in our service, and for being so conscious of doing the right thing as a good Muslim. May Allah always guide you to what pleases Him and grant you and your loved ones happiness.
How Islam Views Marriage
Marriage is an act of worship and obedience to Allah, Who commands the husband and wife to respect and love each other, to create a peaceful home, and to help each other in rearing good Muslim children to make a positive difference to the world.
It is also a lawful response to the basic instincts of intimacy within a detailed system of rights and duties. Muslims are instructed on how to channel these desires to live a tranquil, settled life. The Qur’an says what gives the meaning of:
*{And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.}* (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Many verses of the Qur’an discuss marriage, family relations, and domestic etiquette, so I encourage you to do some readings in preparation for your new life.
Engagement: A Promise of Marriage
It is important to clarify that engagement in Islam is just a promise of marriage. It does not entitle fiancés to any special rights over one another, other than publicly declaring serious interest in a life-long commitment to each other under Allah’s law.
So Muslim fiancés should be conscious of that fact while dealing with each other during the engagement period, the same rules of decent conduct apply that they would normally follow while dealing with a member of the opposite sex who is a non-mahram. That is, your fiancé is not your lawful husband yet. That could change only after they have been formally declared husband and wife.
So while an engaged couple may freely discuss their values and ethics, plan for their future life together, and choose and prepare a home to live in after they are married, they should also be careful to avoid privacy together and the type of intimacy that is only allowed between married couples in Islam.
After all, an engagement is just a declaration of intention to get married, and only if and when both sides feel absolutely certain of that decision. It should be clear that an engagement – like any preliminary contract or letter of understanding – can be revoked at any point before the commitment of marriage, without any formal consequences to either side.
Muslims believe that they will never get anything that Allah had not destined for them; nor will they ever lose anything that was meant to be theirs. Therefore, if a man and woman were destined by Allah for each other, there will be plenty of time to express their feelings freely once they are married. If not, then obviously there is no need to create bitter memories and any deeds you would not want to face Allah with.
You say you do not wear hijab, so while you have the right to be happy and look beautiful on this special occasion, you are also expected to do that in a modest and conservative way, taking into consideration that the men around are non-mahram to you. May Allah guide you and support you to please Him as best you can.
Suggestions for the Ceremony
There are no specific rituals to follow when two Muslims are getting engaged, so the celebration details are left to the tradition of each community, as long as they do not contradict Islamic teachings by actions such as drinking alcohol, mixed dancing, offering prohibited foods, invoking other gods for happiness or luck, etc.
Here are some informal suggestions to help you plan. Feel free to improvise as you see fitting within Islamic guidelines:
You may like to invite a friend who has a good voice to recite some verses of the Qur’an at the start of your gathering. The verses could be on the beauty of marriage, and tranquility and affection Allah creates between husbands and wives.
You could also invite the imam of your local mosque or Islamic center to give a short speech on love and marriage guidelines in Islam.
Do not forget to invite your close friends and relatives as well, even if they are non-Muslims. Islam encourages us to be friendly and warm to everyone as long as they are kind and friendly to us. You can encourage them to write their wishes and advice for you in a special book you prepare for this occasion.
You and your fiancé could share with your guests the story of how you met and what made you choose each other for marriage.
It is up to you whether to wear engagement rings. Just make sure that the one for the man is not made of gold, as this is prohibited for men in Islam. You can also prepare a special meal or dessert to share with your guests as you accept their congratulations and good wishes.
Muslims have produced some cultural manifestations that are not essential parts of Islam. You can take them or leave them. It might help you to get to know these manifestations to help you adjust in your new life as a Muslim.
So after being engaged, you and your fiancé could spend useful and enjoyable halal lawful time together by sharing learning and knowledge to prepare for your future life, by reading books, attending courses, or listening to lectures together on the rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives, rearing children in Islam, and on how to build a stable, happy relationship that also fulfils your duty to Allah.
You may like to compile a gift ‘wish list’ of useful educational material for your new life and pass it on to your friends who want to give you presents. They could also give you gift certificates to buy what you need. Many online Muslim product stores offer that service in Europe, the United States, and Canada.
Do Not Ignore Your Parents
A whisper in your ear, sister: It is very important for a Muslim woman to include her parents in her wedding plans, even if they are non-Muslim. Parents enjoy very high esteem in Islam, second only to Allah’s, in return for all the pain and hardships they went through to protect and care for their children and give them a good life.
So, even if you anticipate resistance from your parents to the new life you chose for yourself, you are recommended to be patient and to try your best to win them over and to get their blessings for your marriage
Try all you can to get them to attend. It is a good opportunity to soften their hearts when they see how happy and content you are with the good man you chose for a husband.
Try to make them see that Islam did not take you away from them; instead, it has made you an even better daughter, and it has also won them a good son: your fiancé, whose religion commands him to be kind, respectful, and affectionate to your parents and to you.
Even if your parents do not come, do not blame yourself. Your engagement is valid. And you should continue to try to win them over.
I hope this answers your questions. We are praying for you to have a happy and blessed life as a Muslim.
Salam.
Assalaam ‘Alaikum!
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Kindly let me know !
Jazakallah Khayran Katheeran!
Any topic you would like to be addressed..
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Fi Amaan ALLAH!
Artificial Insemination: Nature and Scope:“In AIH or Artificial Insemination using Husband’s semen, the husband does not have living spermatozoa in his semen. This approach is obviously hopeless. However, when the husband has normal spermatozoa but for some reason is not able to deposit them inside the genital tract of the wife, artificial insemination might solve the problem.
It may happen that the seminal ejaculate lacks the proper concentration of live sperm, so that it becomes necessary to repeatedly collect the first wave of every ejaculate, which is the richest in sperms, and prepare a satisfactory concentrate to be used. This can be kept in cold storage, to be drawn from at the time of ovulation each cycle and deposited by the doctor inside the genital tract until hopefully a pregnancy results.”
Thus, in artificial insemination, bearing babies and giving birth to children is achieved in a non-natural way (the natural way being direct sexual contact.
An Islamic Approach to the Issue in General
Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former president of the Islamic Society of North America, states:
“Indeed, artificial insemination is one of the new issues on which Muslim scholars have recently done some Ijtihad in the light of some basic principles and values of the Qur’an and Sunnah.
Artificial insemination for conceptual purpose is generally needed in the situation when the husband is not able to deposit his semen inside his wife’s genital tract. This procedure is allowed in Islam as long as it is between legally married couples during the life of the husband. The jurists have emphasized that under the Shari`ah, a wife is not allowed to receive the semen of her ex-husband after divorce or after his death.”
The Islamic Reservations against Third Party’s Involvement
Stressing the irreparable harms that occur as a result of another donor’s involvement in the process, it must be borne in mind that “Islam safeguards lineage by prohibiting Zina and legal adoption, thus keeping the family line unambiguously defined without any foreign element entering into it. It likewise prohibits what is known as artificial insemination if the donor of the semen is other than the husband.
With regard to this, the late well-known Grand Imam of Azhar, Sheikh Mahmoud Shaltut, states:
“It is a despicable crime and a major sin which deserves also to be classified in the same category of adultery. Both (adultery and artificial insemination by anyone other than the husband) are similar in nature and in effect; that is, in both cases the tillage, which belongs exclusively to the husband, is intentionally inseminated by a stranger. Had the form of this crime not been of a lesser degree, such insemination would have been punishable by the same legal punishment or Hadd as is prescribed for adultery in the Shari`ah.
Moreover, there is no doubt that insemination by a donor other than the husband is a more serious crime and detestable offense than adoption, for the child born of such insemination incorporates in itself the result of adoption – the introduction of an alien element into the lineage – in conjunction with the offence of adultery, which is abhorrent both to the divinely revealed laws and to upright human nature.
By this action the human being is degraded to the level of an animal, who has no consciousness of the noble bonds (of morality and lineage, which exist among the members of a human society.”
Stressing the aforementioned facts, the prominent Saudi Islamic lecturer and author, Sheikh Muhammad Saleh Al-Munajjid, adds:
“If a third party, other than the spouses, involves in this process, such as when the sperm comes from another man, then fertilization in such cases is unlawful, because it is counted as Zina or adultery.
With regard to the child born as the result of this, he is to be attributed to the mother who bore him, and not to the man who produced the sperm, as is the ruling in the case of Zina (fornication or adultery).
If that man claims to be the father and no one disputes that, then the child may be attributed to him, because the Lawgiver is keen that people should be named after their biological fathers. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said, “The child belongs to the bed and for the adulterer is the stone””
Moreover, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a Senior Lecturer and an Islamic Scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, says on this:
“Scholars and jurists have discussed this issue, which is most commonly known as in-vitro fertilization, and they have concluded that it is perfectly acceptable within the boundaries of marriage to do so. In other words, it is permissible so long as both the sperm and egg involved in the procedure come from the SAME married spouses. Thus, if the husband’s sperm is extracted and it has been fertilized with the egg of the spouse inside a test tube, and then it has been implanted into the spouse’s womb for conception, that is perfectly acceptable according to the teachings of the Shari`ah.
While approving the above method of conception, scholars have unanimously condemned the procedure in case a third party is introduced into the equation: That would be the case if either the sperm or egg involved in the above process were obtained from either man or woman who is not related to each other in marriage.” Safe Lab Conditions Have to Be Insured
In his commentary on this point, Dr.`Abdul-Fattah Idrees, Professor of Islamic Jurisprudence at Al-Azhar University, states:
“Artificial insemination should be conducted under meticulous as well as safe laboratory conditions.
The owners of those labs should be trustworthy people. The board of the Islamic Fiqh Council have agreed on the issue of artificial insemination as long as no other third party is involved. The council also stressed the necessity of carrying out the operation when both the husband and wife are alive. In supporting their view, the council cited the Hadith in which the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have said: “No one of you should lag behind in seeking progeny because if he dies while having no children, his traces will be wiped out.”
The Council states that there is nothing wrong in seeking lawful means of having children as long as nothing Haram is involved in the process of fertilization such as the confusion of lineage or the possibility of another man’s egg entering the woman’s vagina by mistake. Thus, the insermination is permissible as long as the aforementioned guidelines are observed, irrespective of whether the process of fertilization is carried out inside or outside the woman’s vagina.”
Artificial Insemination by a Donor’s Semen (AID)
In this situation, the husband is in fact infertile and does not possess semen of his own that is ever capable of producing a pregnancy; this is the case in men whose semen contains no spermatozoa and there is no known treatment that can correct their defect. Resort is then made to semen given by a fertile donor.
A ’semen bank’ carries out the function of obtaining seminal ejaculates from healthy fertile donors, and preserving them at a very low temperature. The donors are medically checked to exclude diseases communicable by semen (lately AIDS -acquired immune deficiency syndrome – has been added to the checklist).
The donors and recipients remain unknown to each other and written consent is taken from the recipient and her husband. Although the procedure can put an end to the problem of the fertile wife of an infertile husband, it stands unacceptable in Islam.
Question
Dear scholars, as-salamu `alaykum. What is the Islamic view of surrogate motherhood? Is a married couple allowed to use this procedure to have a child? Jazakum Allah khayran.
Answer
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Sister, we really appreciate your forwarding this question to us, and we commend your keenness on getting yourself well-acquainted with the teachings of Islam. May Allah help us all keep firm on the Right Path, Ameen!
As far as Islamic Shari`ah is concerned, surrogate motherhood or what is called “hiring a womb” is not allowed since it involves introducing the sperm of a male into the uterus of a woman to whom he is not married and, thus, it clearly falls under the specific category of transgressing the bounds of Allah.
Answering your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:
Surrogate motherhood is often euphemistically referred to as “hiring a womb.” The procedure involves using the service of another woman to serve as a carrier for the fertilized ovum of a couple. The woman makes herself available to inject the fertilized ovum into her own womb and then carries the child to its full term on behalf of the other couple. It is often done in lieu of a specified remuneration or free of charge. People resort to this procedure either because a married woman who desires to have a child has problems in carrying her child to its full term or because of her desire to simply forgo the “trouble” of conception and labor.
According to the rules of Shari`ah, surrogate motherhood as described above is not allowed, since it involves introducing the sperm of a male into the uterus of a woman to whom he is not married and, thus, it clearly falls under the specific category of transgressing the bounds of Allah as stated in the Qur’an: (Those who guard their private parts except from their spouses…) (Al-Mu’minun: 5). “Whosoever goes beyond that are indeed transgressors” (Al-Mu’minun 23: 7).
By introducing a third party into the family equation, this procedure throws into confusion the issue of the identity of the child. In Islam, every child has a right to a definite parentage, namely, that of a father and mother. In the case of surrogate motherhood, the question arises as to the identity of the real mother of the child thus conceived. Is she the genetic mother who provides the egg from which the child is born, or is she the woman whose womb serves as a carrier for the child? Such confusion is bound to affect the child emotionally as he will be torn between two mothers. Further, it may also lead to legal fights over the parentage of the child, as happened in the United States in the case of a child thus conceived in 1987.
Finally, the entire procedure amounts to dehumanizing the process of human procreation by reducing womb down to the level of a commodity that can be bought or rented for service. Ultimately, such a process, yet again, violates the dignity and honor that Allah Almighty has bestowed on man and woman.
Amr KhaledTranslated by www.daralislaamlive.com
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In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
As stated before, the purpose of these lectures is to return the love to our homes. Allah says in verse 21 from Chapter Ar-Rum: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.”
In the last lecture, we talked about the criteria for choosing your spouse, as well as compatibility. We also said that there are three main things that need to be taken into consideration. These are: religion, an acceptable appearance and a compatible social and educational/mental level. This needs to be done because in the end, your goal should be to go to heaven, to raise good children who will become good Muslims and so you need to choose a partner who will help accomplish this. And don’t forget that you will lose a lot of things if you do not marry someone who is religious, which was mentioned in part one of this lecture.
In part one, we also talked about how to find your significant other and decided that the best way to do that is to create a strong network of family, neighbours and friends. In these lectures, we focus a lot on the parents because it is important that mothers and fathers learn to become friends with their daughters and sons. Family members should stick together and run towards one another, not away from each other. Narrated Abu Huraira: A man came to Allah’s Apostle and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?” The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, “Your mother.” The man said. “Who is next?” The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, “Your mother.” The man further said, “Who is next?” The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, “Your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “Who is next?” The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, “Your father.” You may think that this is a little off topic but it isn’t. Befriending your parents or children will help with the process of choosing a good significant other. We need our families to be more open and receptive. Parents and their kids should be able to talk to one another about their problems and to share their opinions.
A girl once had a crush on a guy, but she didn’t tell him because it is not appropriate. After fleeing from Egypt, Moses went to Madian and he was exhausted when he arrived. When he arrived, he found men watering their flocks and besides were two women standing on the side. Moses then went to the two girls and said, “What is the wrong?” They said: “We cannot water (our flocks) until the shepherds take (their flocks). And our father is a very old man.” So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to the shade and said: “My Lord! Truly I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!”Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: “Verily, my father calls you that he may reward you for having watered (our flocks) for us.” So when he came to him and narrated the story he said: “Fear you not. You have escaped from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, disbelievers and wrongdoers.” When they went home, one of the women said to her father: And said one of them (the two women): “O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy.” He said: “I intend to wed one of these two daughters of mine to you” (Qur’an: Chapter Al-Qasas verses 23-27).
In this story, one of the sisters had developed a crush on Moses and it was that same sister that talked to him and told him that her father wanted to meet him and reward him. When the father spoke to his daughter, he could sense what it was that she wanted and so he proposed to wed her to Moses. This shows that it is okay for a father to look for a good husband for his daughter; at the same however, a father should not force his daughter to marry a certain individual. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said that a woman is not to be wed without her consent.
Love is an instinct, which means that if a woman finds a man that she would like to marry, without doing anything wrong, then she could either say, “I want to marry this man” or she could find a middle person. Most men feel that it is they who should pursue a woman and not the other way around. It is for that reason that a woman should not directly say to a man that she wants to marry him. The best and safest thing to do is to find a middle person. This is what the Prophet’s (P.B.U.H.) wife Khadeejah did. While Khadeejah was sitting one day, her friend Nafeesa came and asked her what the matter was and what was troubling her mind. Khadeejah replied and said that she saw in Muhammad (P.B.U.H.) what she did not see in other men. She continued to say that she saw in him manners, a good mind, trust, honesty, and that she felt that he was going to be someone important in this time period.
Nafeesa then felt for her friend and sensed what it was she wanted, so she asked Khadeejah what she would think if Muhammad (P.B.U.H.) would be her husband. Khadeejah didn’t know how that would happen, so Nafeesa said she would take care of it. Nafeesa went to the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and said, “Muhammad, won’t you marry?” The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said he did not have anything to marry with. Khadeejah then asked him if he would marry if he found something to marry with and above that someone who had beauty, a good family and so on. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) asked Nafeesa who this woman would be and Nafeesa replied that it would be Khadeejah. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) asked Nafeesa if she thought Khadeeja would agree and Nafeesa said she would ask Khadeejah. When you choose a middle person, you need to choose a middle person who is smart and knows what to do and what to say.
The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) forbade us from riding the sea of hopes and dreams. Beware of living in a fantasy and a dream and hoping for things that are very unlikely to happen, because when they do not happen you will be disappointed and hurt. What about women who are getting older and are still single, who want to get married but have not yet found the right men to marry, what can they do? The best advice that can be given to them is to trust Allah, rely on Him and be content with what Allah has written. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said that the pens have been raised and the ink has dried; this pretty much means that it is already written whom you will marry. Allah is generous so don’t worry. Allah is more merciful than your mother, father and the whole world. If you are not married yet, then focus your time on something else; give your time to charity, to learn something new, do something for Islam and so on. Sometimes Allah postpones events for people because they are meant to do something else. Maybe Allah didn’t let someone have children right away because they were meant to fulfil a certain task/role of great benefit.
There is a very important step that people do not take. It is very important to pray the Istikhara (prayer for guidance) before you do anything. After you set your criteria and after you look for a suitable potential spouse, pray the Istikhara prayer. When you pray this prayer you are entrusting Allah, you tell Him to take care of you and the situation or decision to be made. Pray two raka’as (prostrations) and then say the following decision-making supplication:
Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. Oh Allah! If in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is good for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is bad for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it. And ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me content with it.
*You should substitute (this matter) with the issue you are praying for.
Once you do this, then let your heart rest and be assured that what is best will happen. What ever occurs after you pray this prayer will be the result of the Istikhara.
Another important step that many people need to do is to consult one another. So you find that at times, after the wedding has taken place, the family finds out that the father is not who he said he really was. It is very important to ask about the man/woman and their family. Some people do not know how to ask or do not ask enough. You will not regret asking around about the person your son or daughter is going to marry. What sort of questions should you ask? It is important to question the family’s source of income and make sure that the source is not unlawful. People have forgotten that question and instead ask about how rich the family is, or how much they make, instead of asking where the money came from. It is important because you do not want your son or daughter to enter into a family that makes haram money.
The last point to take into consideration is the parents’ approval. Let’s agree on something; do not get married without the approval and consent of your parents. If your parents are angry and do not approve of your marriage, then the blessing on your marriage could be lifted. If your parents are mad at you, how can Allah bless your marriage? You should not marry without your parents’ approval, even if they are not religious. You cannot anger and ruin a family to start one of your own. This leaves us with this question: how much can your parents interfere with your decision of whom you want to marry? Your parents can interfere when it comes to the social status or habits of your potential spouse’s family. What they cannot interfere with is your decisions based on the looks of your partner. Do not forget that in the end, it is not just a man marrying a woman; it is two families marrying each other.
Okay, so now what happens if the parents, for no good reason, do not approve and they will not change their minds, what happens then? It then becomes your right to say and insist that you will marry no other. This can be said without a fight, without yelling and without leaving the house. If they still do not agree, find a middle person, find someone who will have to ability to talk to and convince your parents. If this still does not work, then talk to your parents and tell them to hypothetically just switch places with you. Do a role-play where you pretend to be your parents and your parents pretend to be you. If they still do not agree then do some thinking. Parents are sometimes right and this may be one of those cases. So sit and think about what they have said without being stubborn. If you have prayed the Istikhara then no matter what happens, do not worry. Know that whatever happens is happening as a result of your prayer, which means it is happening for the best. Maybe Allah made your parents so strong against this marriage because it will do you more harm than good if you were to go through with it.
A man came to the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and told him that two men proposed to his daughter, one of them was poor and the other was rich and that he wanted his daughter to marry the rich man. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) wanted to know which of the two the daughter wanted to marry. The man told the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) that his daughter wanted to marry the poor man. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) then said that if they love each other, they should marry each other.
Amr Khaled
Translated by www.daralislaamlive.com
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
When we started this series we wanted to focus on returning the love in all of our homes. We focused on the word ‘love’ because even Allah said, “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Qur’an, 30:21) People are now having trouble finding a place where they can dwell in tranquillity but Allah wants the home, the husband and the wife, to be this place of tranquillity where we can dwell.
When the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was on his way back from the battle of That Al Reqa‘, the army was exhausted. When they got closer to Al Madinah, all they wanted to do was go back to their homes and sleep. When they got closer to Al Madinah the Prophet found that one of the men, Jaber Ibn Abdullah had fallen behind. So the Prophet left the entire army and fell behind looking for Jaber. The Prophet then asked Jaber how he was doing; Jaber replied and said he was fine. The Prophet asked Jaber if he was married and Jaber said he was. The Prophet asked Jaber if he married a virgin and Jaber said that he did not because his father died and left him with 9 sisters so he wanted to marry someone to serve them. The Prophet then told Jaber that when they returned to Al Madinah, they wouldn’t enter until Jaber’s wife learns of his arrival. This is so that his wife can prepare a nice sitting arrangement for him. The wives of these men haven’t seen them for about a month, so instead of having them go straight to bed as soon as they get home, the Prophet wanted to them to be well rested. The Prophet wanted the first meeting between a husband and wife to be filled with joy. The Prophet wanted to make the wives happy, the Prophet wanted there to be love in the home.
This lecture is very important for everyone to read. Anyone who might be getting married soon, as well as fathers and mothers, should read this lecture. There are 4 phases in choosing your life partner:
1. Identify your criteria.
2. How you are going to search for your partner.
3. How you are going to ask about your partner and if you are going to pray Istikhara (decision making prayer).
4. The parents’ approval.
Why were we created? Allah says, “I will create a vicegerent on Earth.” (Qur’an 2:30) What does this have to do with marriage? The first to be given a task of becoming a vicegerent on Earth was a family. It all started with the family; the first glad tidings of heaven were given to a family, We said: “O Adam! dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden.” (Qur’an 2:35) Instead of starting civilisation with a single family, Allah could have created an entire tribe. It is as though Allah is saying to us that building the Earth is associated with the family.
Allah says in the Qur’an, “O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you.” (Qur’an 49:13) This verse is a very important one. Our civilisation started with a single entity, from a single family. It is as though Allah is telling us to get married so that we can continue to do what we were created to do. How many of us want to get married so that we can fulfil Allah’s commandments?
Let’s talk in general about what guys and girls think and say. Some guys say that they just want a girl who is good, and that’s because they don’t have clear criteria. Girls usually say they also want someone who is good and who will take care of them. Girls say this however without set criteria in their minds. Other guys and girls look for significant others who are stylish, funny, good looking, cool, and sweet. A third set of girls may say that they want a guy who is ambitious, educated, religious, who will take care of her and who is responsible. Some people start getting too specific with regards to aspects like the colour of the eyes, the hair, the kind of car, and about money. Then there are religious guys who say they want a religious girl that must also be beautiful. Their reason for this is that they to lower their gaze and so they need beautiful wives. Some other guys only care about religion without caring about looks or anything else. These are all just some examples of what people say.
What about the Prophet, what does he say? Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e. her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” Many people misunderstand this hadith; they think it says that men should marry women for one of the four things mentioned above. What the Prophet is saying here is that there are four main reasons, or popular reasons, that men end up marrying women. These are: her wealth, family status, beauty or religion. What the Prophet is saying is that men should marry the religious women, they should hold on to them tightly otherwise they will be a loser; you will be a person who has taken nothing. The same goes for women, they will lose if they do not take a religious man. This is not the first time that the Prophet talks about choosing a good wife, he also says that life on Earth is for enjoyment, and the best enjoyment on Earth is the pious woman.
Allah says in the second verse of the Cow Chapter, “Our Lord! Give us good in this world and good in the Hereafter.” Scholars have said that the good in the Hereafter is Paradise. The good in this world is the one that deserves to be mentioned next to the good of the hereafter so that there is balance and therefore it must also be something of equal value. Scholars said that for a man, the good in this world is the pious wife. As for the woman, it is the good husband. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) also said, “Whoever proposes to someone in marriage, he should be accepted, once they were pleased with his manners, religion, and trustworthiness, (if there is an emotional acceptance for the two parties involved) if he was refused for worldly reasons such as poverty, not wealthy enough or unsuitable social status, this will create corruption and fitnah on earth,” Hadith Saheeh (sound source). In the end, the meaning is to look for a person who is religious. This is not just the advice of the Prophet, but life experiences have also said the same. Men are happiest when their wives are religious, and women are happiest when their husbands are religious. A man asked a scholar who he should marry his daughter to. The scholar replied and told the man to marry his daughter to a religious man, if he loves her, he will be generous to her, and if he doesn’t love her, he will not be unjust to her.
Don’t marry someone who doesn’t pray, don’t marry someone who you know drinks, don’t marry someone who does a major sin; how can you build a home like this? Don’t marry someone just because they are good looking and say that maybe they will start praying after you are married. Some parents tell their sons to marry a woman and tell him that after they are married she is going to get better, and the other way around as well. If so, then shouldn’t they start becoming better now? Your children should not see their father drink or find that their mother doesn’t pray. On the Day of Judgment we will be questioned for not choosing our spouses carefully, we will be questioned for not providing our children with the best mothers and fathers. This is why the first criteria for choosing a partner is for them to be religious. And this is not a criterion that can be compromised. This is a mentality that we need to plant deep in ourselves.
We should number our criteria for choosing our spouses. And being religious is going to be at the top of the list then we need to actually follow that. The Prophet did not say to take a religious wife/husband and ignore everything else. No one said that your significant other should not be good looking, but the most important thing should be religion. Everything else should only be secondary.
‘Omar Ibn Al Khatab wanted to marry Om Kalthoom, the daughter of Abu Bakr. ‘Omar then went to Om Kalthoom’s sister, ‘A’isha and told her that he wanted to marry Om Kalthoom. Aisha went to Om Khalthoom and told her that she was so lucky to get a proposal from a great man like ‘Omar. Om Kalthoom replied and asked what is it that she could do with ‘Omar. “He is a very jealous man and all he cares about is that people walk in a straight path.” She said that she was a young woman who wanted to be showered with love. She wanted a man who would shower her with love and who also worships Allah. ‘A’isha tried to talk to her and tell her that ‘Omar was such a great man, but Om Kalthoom swore that if she did not leave her alone she would scream in front of the Prophet’s grave and say that she doesn’t want ‘Omar. Not knowing what to do, ‘A’isha called ‘Amr Ibn Al A as and asked him to solve the situation. ‘Amr went to ‘Omar and asked him if he was going to get married. ‘Omar said that he would. ‘Amr asked him, and ‘Omar said that he would marry Om Kalthoom the daughter of Abu Bakr. ‘Amr asked ‘Omar what it is that he has to do with this girl, her father passed away a few months ago and she is just going to sit there and cry all day and all night. ‘Omar looked at ‘Amr and asked him if ‘A’isha talked to him, ‘Amr replied yes and ‘Omar then said he would let the matter go and that there was no need for it. Om Khalthoom ended up marrying Talha Ibn Obayd Allah, who was a rich merchant, and was one of the ten who were given the good tidings of going to heaven.
Some people think that they can marry someone and then change them into becoming more religious. The media has painted an untrue picture of what the religious man and woman are like. The media painted a dark and ugly picture. To be religious does not mean to be ugly. There are many religious people who are also good looking and who are well maintained. What if a guy wants to marry a girl who is not religious? Let’s ask a question here; is she or is she not willing to become religious? If she says yes, she will become more religious after marriage, then is she taking the steps that indicate that? How serious a person is about becoming religious will show in how fast they implement what they say. Some people say they want to become religious but they do not do anything about it, there is no implementation. Write down your criteria. At the stop of the list should be religion. If you can’t do that then be more specific and set minimum requirements. Say you cannot marry someone who does not pray, or someone that does major sins. What are you going to say to God? What are you going to say to Him about your children?
Another important criteria is that of agreement and compatibility. When it comes to compatibility there are two problems. These problems concern religious people and many other people. Some religious people say they want a religious partner and that nothing else matters. They ignore social compatibility and the family. It isn’t important to them that there may be a huge difference in social status. Another kind of people say that social status is important and that religion is personal and that it is no one’s business, that maybe after marriage the spouse will improve religiously. Neither of the above arguments are correct. There are four kind of compatibility: religious compatibility, social compatibility, educational compatibility and materialistic compatibility. There will be a problem if a woman with an undergraduate degrees gets married to a man who hasn’t been to university. Social and educational compatibility are very important. There is an important incident that can be used to illustrate this. Zeinab Bint Jahsh was married to Zaid Ibn Haretha and there was a huge social gap. Zeinab was from the nobility of Quraysh, and Zaid was a freed slave. Both of these individuals were also very religious and Zeinab ended up being the Prophet’s wife so obviously she was religious. Zeinab’s relationship with Zaid failed because of the huge social gap. It is usually more difficult if a woman’s social status is higher than a man’s and it results in more problems. This does not mean that the social status must be the same. If a woman’s social status was slightly higher, that would be okay, and if his was slightly higher, that would be even better. The problems result when the gap is huge.
What about materialistic compatibility? This one doesn’t matter. As long as educational and social compatibility exists then money does not and should not matter. With regards to religious compatibility, can you imagine a girl whose aim is to please Allah marry someone who doesn’t pray or someone who doesn’t care about Islam? How can parents not care about something like this? How can a woman devoted to Allah be with a man who doesn’t even think about religion? In the end, the purpose of a family is for them to hold on tightly to one another, and if religion is lacking this will not be possible.
Now that we talked about compatibility let’s talk about age. There are two cases; either the man will be older than the woman or the other way around. The Prophet’s wife Khadeejah was 15 years older than him, she was 40 and he was 25. This however is related to the fact that the Prophet’s maturity was great. It is a fact that until the age of 22 women mature faster than men. Men can marry older women under two conditions. The first is that the woman is a reasonable mature women who will not feel that just because she is older that she will be the one who should be in control of the home and the relationship. At the same time, the man must be reasonable and mature so that he isn’t too young. If these two conditions are met then there is no problem if the woman is a year or two older than the man. Let’s look at the opposite scenario and talk about when a woman marries a man who is 15 or 20 years older than her. Scholars have said that ideally, a man should be 3-10 years older than a woman. This is why Abu Bakr refused to marry his daughter to a few men who were much older.
Nowadays, we find that some girls choose to marry men who are much older than them. They choose men, who were friends with their fathers that they use to call uncle. This happens because girls do not feel like they can find responsible young men. The number of young men who are willing or who can take this degree of responsibility is decreasing. Recently men do not want to take the responsibility, they want to come home from work and go out with their friends in the evening. Meanwhile, it is the women who not only take care of everything in the house like the cooking and cleaning, but she is also the one who is taking care of the paper work, doing the grocery shopping so that the woman ends up doing her job and his. Women don’t want this; they want to marry a man who will share the responsibility with her. Women should still be careful because it is not easy marrying someone who is a lot older.
Being religious does not mean to just go and pray and fast and wear the Hijab. That can all just be a façade and a false pretence. Being religious should be reflected on our actions and manners. It is not enough to say that someone is religious because they pray, you need to look at their manners and see how they treat others and that is when you will find out if they are religious or not. ‘Omar Ibn Al-Khattab met a man once and asked him if he knows a certain individual. This man said he did, and that he knew him well. ‘Omar asked him if he has worked with this individual in matters relating to money. The man said no. ‘Omar asked him if he travelled with this individual. The man said no. ‘Omar then said to the man that if he knew this individual only from the mosque and had seen him pray and read the Qur’an then he does not know him. Look for the true religious person, the one who reflects it and acts it. The truly religious person is the person you will be happy with in this world and the hereafter.
Tie your criteria with you goals. Some people want to go to heaven, so they need to look for the significant other who will help them worship Allah and go to heaven. Looking for a religious person does not mean you need to ignore the social status or pleasing looks. The Prophet said for men to go and look at their perspective wives, he told them to take a good look at their potential spouses.
In the hadith mentioned earlier, when the Prophet said, “Whoever proposes to someone in marriage, he should be accepted, once they were pleased with his manners, religion,” he differentiated between manner and religion. He did this because just praying is not enough; you need to look very carefully at the manners. What we are trying to say here is that the most important thing is for the individual to be religious and then you can look for someone who is appealing. Appealing does not mean beauty, appealing means looks that comfort you. It means find someone whose looks please you, and make you feel safe and comfortable. There are three main points here:
1. Religion.
2. An acceptable appearance.
3. A compatible social and educational/mental level.
In choosing your significant other you should pay special attention to the above three criteria. If every one takes these three into consideration while choosing their life partner, they will feel better and safer about their choice. This is related to your goal in to heaven, then find someone who will help you attain that goal. If you want someone to help you worship Allah, and to be a good parent to your children, and to help you raise your children well, someone who will help you fill your community with goodness, then find someone who will help you do this.
Now that we have clarified our criteria let’s start looking. When we let go of the theory and hit the real world we run into problems. The problem is that we find that the age of unmarried people is older, in the 30’s and that we cannot find our criteria. Girls are especially running into this problem. They themselves will come from good families, they are religious and meet all the criteria, but they cannot find husbands that meet their criteria. There are three reasons that have led to this:
1. Monetary complications where sometimes parents end up asking for too much.
2. Men who do not want to take responsibility and women do not want this.
3. Chances are weak and this will be explained more clearly below.
In the last lecture we talked about not getting into boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Once you move into the work environment after graduating from university, without a boy/girlfriend, you find that the community around you has shrunk and become very small. So you are limited to choosing from a small number of people and you feel like there is no one around you that you can marry. Some girls say that they work to get married; they work so that they can meet people and get married. This of course is not wrong; girls want to get married without doing something wrong of course, that is fine. This is why people feel that they need to get into boy/girl friend relationship; they feel that this is the only way to find the person they want to marry. But as mentioned in the last lecture, statistics show that 99% of boy/girlfriend relationships do not end up with marriage. And when its time to get married your heart aches because of past relationships. What is the alternative?
In the past, it was harder to get meet people because not every one could afford to not work and go to university, however, our parents still managed to do it. Something must have changed between back then and now. What is lacking now is the strong familial network that was abundant a long time ago. Unlike before, now people want their own privacy, their own rooms, their own telephone lines and they isolate themselves. Not only was the family network strong, but people also had strong ties with their neighbours and everyone knew everyone else. Now, no one knows the name of his or her neighbours. Families used to visit each other all the time and travel together. Now, fathers go and see their families alone because their sons and daughters want to go out with their own friends instead of visiting their families. And when parents want their sons and daughter to come out with them on family outings, their request is met with objection. Another network was formed in the mosque where everyone used to go and pray and that is how people met other people. This is why they did not feel the need to subject themselves to boy/girl friend relationships to meet someone. These networks allow you to study each other’s behaviour without being in an unlawful relationship. And because of this network you know that this person will not fool you, you know that they will not turn out to be someone else after you are married.
Isn’t this what happens now? We find that people before marriage are one thing, and after they are another. Through a network however you will have known this person for years and so you will know who they really are. It is the fathers’ responsibility to do this, to try and create a strong web of family and friends. If you do this, your daughter will never have to resort to getting a boyfriend or to find someone over the Internet through a match making website. Essentially you are sending your info to an employee who matched you with that he believes to be your significant other. Instead of a father finding a suitable husband for his daughter, it has now become a company on the Internet that does that. Even worse, there are girls who advertise themselves on television because they want to get married.
Islam tells women that they are valuable, and that they should not degrade and cheapen themselves like that. Women are valuable, they are queens who should be pursued and chased by men who want to marry them. Brothers have also been neglecting their roles in this process. All brother and sisters do right now is yell and fight. Brothers need to choose their friends carefully so that they can help their sisters. Everyone should do what they can to create an environment where people can meet their significant others without doing anything wrong. This is the main solution to helping people get married.
