Forgotten considerations before embarking on a marriage

Divorce looms before a new marriage has begun on a number of accounts. The world wide number of divorce is ever increasing. Compatibility is the main fault found in this issue and from it comes concerns of communication, understanding and often misguidance. Choosing, maintaining, and creating a sensible, realistic marriage is difficult when for most of us we have in-built expectations, requirements and needs from a marriage that create a sense of new wants. In short, why should there be any changes from the way you live and fend for yourself now in comparison to when you’re married, in terms of your morality, way of living and your needs? On searching the world with lowered gaze and modesty, finding that perfect someone can seem a daunting affair in many aspects. The truth is that searching for a special someone on your own is considered in many cultures and traditions as something to be frowned upon and it hits the hearts of ‘forbidden’ love marriages. But who really adheres happily to the concept of arranged marriages with complete contentment and passion of its acceptance in today’s society? In trying to raise some discussion on this topic, it may seem a little blunt to sate that arranged marriages are mutating into ‘forced’ marriages or marriages that are consented to on a basis of ‘terms’, based solely on the families needs. Meaning needs due to illness of parents, aging of grand parents, political or for cultural respect at home and in the community etc…. Marrying someone should be to achieve unity and progression in life along with growth and development of Imaan. Not just for the current situational basis of a marriage, or for those involved in the union at time of its engagement. Hence why it is in some respect important to find the conflicting qualities, finding the wants and needs of the two people before anything is consented to, so their is a surety that it will work, taking into account some compromises that may be needed. However, is it possible in an Islamic way to achieve this without compromising Sharia and involving any haram? While under the careful watch of peers or in the presence of guardians? Most appreciated way would be ‘free speech’ between the two potentials, this way their is no need to doctor your answers and have freedom to express with true expressions to better check for real compatibility.. yet this too delves into the realms of forbidden pre-marital relationships and the awakening of potential sins looms between the two involved… In all honesty its the mentality of today’s society that are causing so many cases of divorce. Young girls and guys are taking advantage of the western society’s morals and abusing their rights to ‘move on’, get a divorce and re-marry due to their mistaken expectations and unexpected reality checks after marriage, due their lack of acknowledgment of the realities before any talks take place. Those who find pre-marital love can be questioned into asking if they are sure that love and compatibility is what has given them a reason to get married? After all it’s not only the happy times of the outings, the surprises and the laughter that keeps a marriage strong but how the couples manage the lows, how the arguments are diffused and how the problems are solved efficiently. Is marriage taken seriously enough to think about these issues that cause the real cracks before it is embarked on? Are couples avoiding this discussion in the hope that they never arise and thus opening up the action plan to counteract the issues if they are faced with as only seen as pessimistic and somewhat a bad omen at the start of embarking on a new beginning of a new marriage? Many fall into the danger of pre marital relationships, whereby they develop outside marriage, and build on those circumstances, and they are deceived in thinking that the ‘happy’ relationship which they are maintaining is the true reflection of what their marriage will entail. Yet, they fail to consider the fundamental aspects of a marriage – family, culture, roles and responsibilities, expectations, compromises – which all awaken once entered into the marriage, and comes as a shock to the couple as they became settled in their circumstances of their relationship. Then which when couples’ expectations aren’t been met, and communication breaks down, it leads to repression, and resentment, which is big danger within a marriage, as arguments arise over small – what may seem petty – issues, which is only due to the bigger problems which have been repressed, mistakes and hurt feelings are sweeped under the carpet and it gets to the stage where the couple can no longer find the cause to disputes, and issues are blown out of proportion. Islam only reiterates the truest forms of maintaining a marriage and making it a success, after all Prophet (peace be upon him), advised men to view their prospective wives and advise that meeting or talking with her is good practice to ensure that you do have the compatibility. To keep this Halal in aspects doesn’t mean avoiding contact but discussing ways to avoid Zina. It creates awareness between them and thus means of avoidance can be increased as long as you observe the boundaries of gender etiquette. In today’s society and across the world online chat and instant messaging texting and emails are seen as best mean for communication but it is uncontrolled or monitored and more likely to cause the couple to drift. Talking on the phone in front of guardians would be best suited. A woman’s voice is not awrah (difference of opinion amongst scholars), and there is nothing wrong with calling your fiancée, provided that you have her family’s permission, and that she talks to you in the presence of her mahrams. After all if you’re planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then communication and discussion is needed. However saying this why create a relationship before marriage in first place? Why experience this in an environment where you have no boundaries, in a world where no one else but the two potentials exists? It creates too much complacency and is sometimes, difficult to adapt to the involvement of family life after marriage. Generating new ideas are fine at the start of a new marriage and conversing about a future is becoming ever popular in a new couples itinery but most forget to include variables that are most likely to slow their progress or cause the ideas to fade away. These include family involvement, view points and opinions of elders and friends and those with perspectives on life that have worked for them. No matter what information is intertwined with the new plans of the newly weds one forgets that no two couple are the same and what worked before may or may not work again due to a new age, different families and differences and change in culture and traditions. Islam helps overcome the potential disasters, the Prophet (saw) advised to seek the pious when searching for a spouse. Its importance cannot be emphasized enough. The great advice in which he (saw) left us, already gives us the guidelines of what we should seek in a potential spouse. To marry for the sake of the deen, outlines for both potentials, the roles and responsibilities, it gives a sense of security, and lays out the boundaries. It enables them to help compromise if any differences arise, and any routes in which shaytaan can mislead them by, if one fears Allah, then one will think twice about their action. If they love each other for the sake of Allah, then inevitably any hiccups which may arise, they will forgive and overlook differences for the sake of Allah. Allah says in the Qur’an: “Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are garments for you and you are garments for them.” [Qur’an, 2.187] Commentary note 195, page 75, The Meaning of the Holy Quran ‘Abdullah Yusuf Ali: ’Men and women are each other’s garments i.e. they are for mutual support, mutual comfort, and mutual protection, fitting into each other as a garment fits the body. A garment also is both for show and concealment. The way it should be perceived is, as individuals we have to strive to reach the ultimate goals of reaching Jannah and to seek the pleasure of Allah. This should not cease after a marriage but rather continue coexisting with the goals of a marriage. Life is a journey to reach these goals where by individually it can be perceived that the vehicle for the journey is your own soul spending time in the Dunya searching for the pleasure of Allah and for entrance to Jannah and is fuelled by self improvement and development. However as with any journey you can pick up dirt along the way in the form of sins and bad deeds which need washing from your soul, which is done by purification of the heart. Similarly in the journey of a couple it should be perceived that the ‘vehicle’ is the marriage and unity that Allah has placed on the two. The fuel is once again the improvement and development that helps the couple to move forward in life by constant learning. Then again picking up dirt only requires that the marriage is washed and refreshed via rectifying and improving. Its best comprehended that the couple maybe traveling to similar goals of eventual pleasure of Allah by appreciating and seeing each other as Allah’s creations, bestowed upon each other, and loving each other for the sake of Allah. Thus the individual goal of pleasure of God, Jannah will remain – ultimately going to be with that person in Jannah, on earth you seek Allah pleasure till you die and you do this by completing your deen by getting married, to please God and aid you in improving in religion. May Allah give us all the ability to act upon the advice of our religion, and help us maintain and strive for successful marriages, for our children, our own selves and the hereafter, and be amongst the successful. Ameen.

A successful marriage: the missing link

A successful marriage: the missing link

By: Yasmin Mogahed

“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)

We’ve all read this verse on countless marriage announcements. But how many have actualized it? How many of our marriages really embody that love and mercy described by Allah? What is going wrong when so many of our marriages are ending in divorce?

According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple. In his book, Eggerichs explains that extensive research has found that a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love. He describes what he calls the “crazy cycle”—the pattern of argumentation that results when the wife does not show respect and the husband does not show love. He explains how the two reinforce and cause one another. In other words, when a wife feels that her husband is acting unloving, she often reacts with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband act even more unloving.

Eggerichs argues that the solution to the “crazy cycle” is for the wife to show unconditional respect to her husband and for the husband to show unconditional love to his wife. This means that a wife should not say that first her husband must be loving before she will show him respect. By doing so, she will only bring about more unloving behavior. And a husband should not say that first his wife must be respectful before he will show her love. By doing so, he will only bring about more disrespectful behavior. The two must be unconditional.

When I reflected on this concept, I realized that looking at the Quran and prophetic wisdom, there are no two concepts more stressed with regards to the marital relationship.

To men, the Prophet said, “Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain arched, so take good care of women.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

He has further stressed: “The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.” (Al-Tirmidhi)

Allah says: “Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.” [Qur'an: 4:19]

The prophet has also said, “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

In these jewels of wisdom, men are urged to be kind and loving towards their wives. Moreover, they are urged to even overlook their wife’s faults when showing that kindness and love.

On the other hand, when addressing the wife, the focus is different. Why are women not told again and again to be kind and loving towards their husbands? Perhaps it is because unconditional love already comes naturally to women. Few men complain that their wives do not love them. But many complain that their wives do not respect them. And it is this sentiment which is most stressed in the Quran and sunnah, with regards to wives.

Respect can be manifest in a number of ways. One of the most important ways to show respect is the respect of one’s wishes. When someone says, “I respect your advice”, they mean “I will follow your advice”. Respecting a leader, means doing what they say. Respecting our parents means not going against their wishes. And respecting one’s husband means respecting his wishes. The Prophet has said: “When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.” [At-Tirmidhi]

Why are we as women told to respect and follow the wishes of our husbands? It is because men are given an extra degree of responsibility. Allah says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means . . .” (Qur’an 4:34)

But won’t this unconditional respect towards one’s husband put us, as women, in a weak, submissive position? Won’t we set ourselves up to be taken advantage of and abused? Quite the contrary. The Quran, the prophetic example, and even contemporary research have proven the exact opposite. The more respect a woman shows her husband, the more love and kindness he will show her. And in fact, the more disrespect she shows, the more harsh and unloving he becomes.

Similarly, a man may question why he should show kindness and love towards even a disrespectful wife. To answer this question, one only needs to look at the example of Omar Ibn ul-Khattab. When a man came to Omar (who was Khalifah at the time) to complain of his wife, he heard Omar’s own wife yelling at him. While the man turned to leave, Omar called him back. The man told Omar that he had come to complain of the same problem that Omar himself had. To this Omar replied that his wife tolerated him, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, made him comfortable, and took care of his children. If she did all of this for him, how could he not tolerate her when she raised her voice?

This story provides a beautiful example for all of us—not only for the men. This story is a priceless illustration of tolerance and patience, which is essential for any successful marriage. Moreover, consider the reward in the hereafter for those who show patience: Allah says, “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” (Qur’an 39:10)

How To Communicate Effectively With Your Spouse

Communicating Effectively With Your Spouse

By  Maryam Bachmeier Psychologist, Counselor, Writer – U.S

Do you have some behaviors that interfere with the effectiveness of a successful day or a harmonious relationship or health?  Do you end up yelling instead of telling your beloved how you really feel or what you really need? Or, you just walk away, sulk, and say nothing?   Unfortunately, these behaviors can harm a marriage.  Behaviors such as yelling can destroy the vital ingredient in life you got married for, or ruin true intimacy  or an opportunity to complete your religion. There have been many articles written about the subject of communication. Probably, most of what you have read is good information addressing the positive behaviors that you want to embrace and use.  In Behavioral Psychology, we would call that using a replacement behavior, so is learning communication techniques. For instance, with yelling learning communication techniques is useful if you know the function, and how to make changes in your environment to help you use your new communication techniques, then you will be able to choose the appropriate communication techniques. You might say that you are learning your own communication style and making changes.  You can also learn your spouse’s communication style, and use that information to “shape”, or teach and motivate him or her into using more effective communication techniques.  Exploring the “triggers”  that perhaps frustrate you, such as your wife asking you  questions in the middle of a TV show instead of waiting for a commercial, will help you decide what you want to change in your environment, and develop a plan of action to make those changes in a harmonious manner.  You also want to really understand the function of your communication style. In Behavioral Analysis, there are four main functions for any behavior: to get attention, to escape something unpleasant, to get something (tangible), and to communicate, otherwise the behavior is truly visceral and not learned.  Ineffective attempts to communicate may be just that, tying to communicate, or the person might want attention.  So, what we will be doing is to conduct a mini asessment to find those triggers (structural) and the actual function of the ineffective communication style by looking for patterns. Here, I will illustrate how to do this by using the problem behavior of yelling as an example. For example, If you are yelling every time that your wife / husband tries to talk to you, how would you change the environment to reduce the probability of that trigger occurring again?  I can think of at least two possibilities: Record the show which you want to watch, so that if he / she has something important to say, you won’t have a conflict between listening and watching the show.  Or, you can ask your spouse to pick a special time when you know you can give your attention without becoming frustrated.    . You get the idea! You will want to identify as many patterns related to your behavior as possible.  You will want to know what the triggers are, and what reinforcers (functions) there are. Now, here you are, ready to take action. This is what you do. You will use a simple tool called the ABC tool from the science of Applied Behavioral Analysis. Take a piece of paper and make three columns.  In column one, write “antecedent.”  In column two, write “behavior”.  In column three, write “consequences”.  For the following week, write down in: Column 1: Everything you see in your environment, everything that is happening around you, and the event that has just occurred before you yelled. Then, write down what you are thinking about and how your body is responding (is your jaw tightening up?  Are you feeling hot?  Does your leg start to shake? Column 2: Every time you yell Column 3: Everything that happened immediately after you yelled. Did someone try to console you?  Did someone yell back?  Did someone walk away?  Write it all down in the consequence column.  Next, (a week later) analyze your ABC chart and look for a pattern.  You should be able to identify the triggers that “set you off” and the reinforcers that make you feel comfortable using this behavior on a regular basis (even though now you don’t want to).  The next step in the preparation stage is to develop the plan of action.  In this case, it will involve learning coping skills when a “trigger event” occurs; appropriate responses to the other or events (social skills); and a way to feel better (self soothing skills).  You will first need to be able to identify when a trigger is about to happen and how your own body is responding just prior to a yelling event.  And to prevent the yelling, you will learn alternate behaviors and affirmations (which will eventually change what you think and how you feel during triggering events).  So here, you have a plan of action with a list of skills and alternative behaviors to learn. Now that we have gone through the process of analyzing the patterns that are triggering and reinforcing the problem behavior, and we have identified the effective communication techniques that you want to learn, it is time to actually make the needed changes in your environment if possible, to reduce the probability of triggers and to learn your new communication techniques.  I won’t actually be teaching specific techniques in this article, but I may do in the future if there is a demand for it.  Techniques such as taking deep breaths, stop looking, listening, taking a walk before you talk, and using I statements are very popular and many writers have already written about them.   But one should realize that it takes at least three weeks to develop a new behavior, and to be able to use it consistently, so be very patient with yourself, especially when you are on the learning curve.  Remember, ‘practice makes perfect’.  In order to keep the momentum going, you will need to reward yourself for your successes.  This may sound silly, but it works, you can actually give yourself a star in your journal each time you are successful in using the new behavior.  You can also keep track of how many opportunities or time you felt “triggered”, and how many times you used the old behavior, and how many times you used the new one. This way, you can see your progress, and you will be motivated to keep going.

Conjugal Relationship

By: Shaykh Salaah Al-Budayr

All praise is due to Allaah, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings of Allaah be upon the Messenger, his household and companions.

Fellow Muslims! Fear Allaah and be conscious of Him.
“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife (Hawwâ (Eve)) and from them both He created many men and women; and fear Allaah through Whom you demand (your mutual rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allaah is Ever an All-Watcher over you.” (An-Nisaa 4:1)Dear Muslims! Allaah, through His mercy and wisdom, created man on a nature that loves stability and comfort. He created a wife for him from his own kind that he might find succour with her and be inclined to her. Allaah says,

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Ar-Room 30:21)

Fellow Muslims! Marital tie is a great one. It is a tie that is established on mutual wish, choice and altruism. It is a tie that the religion of Islaam ordained and which the human nature requests. This is because, the family is the foundation of the society and security of the society depends of security of each of the families that make up the society.

The two pillars of the family are man and woman who are both brought together by love, affection, friendship, sincerity, compassion and agreement under one roof.

In the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, there is a perfect welfare and complete justice that strengthen the foundation of this blessed relationship and that prevent it from going sour.

Dear Muslims! The causes of many marital problems and astounding rise in divorce cases lie in the people’s ignorance of the Islaamic injunctions, etiquettes of marital life and demands of family responsibilities. For how can a family enjoy happiness and tranquillity if the husband uses disgusting and vile language and he is hot-tempered and repulsively selfish? How can the family enjoy peace if the husband is worthless, frowning, overbearing and oppressive to his wife? Where is the kindness that the Qur’aan enjoined?

Brethrens in faith! How can the family enjoy happiness and tranquillity if the wife always go out, is talkative, cursing, revolting, negligent, extravagant, lazy, ingrate and obstinate? The Messenger of Allaah said, “I was shown the Hell-Fire and I found out that most of its inhabitants are women.” The Prophet was asked: ‘Why O Messenger of Allaah?’ He said, “Because they are ungrateful to their husbands. If you have being kind to one of them for your whole life and she once finds something she does not like in you, she says: ‘I have never got any good thing from you.’”

O you husband and wife! Fear Allaah regarding your marital life. Fulfil your responsibility to one another. Follow the injunctions of the Qur’aan and the Sunnah and make use of the sound reason in your dealings with each other lest both of you become victims of divorce and regret. Follow the injunction of Allaah that says,

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” (Al-Baqarah 2:228)

The Prophet said, “Certainly, you have rights over your wives as your wives also have rights over you.” (At-Tirmidhee)

Fellow Muslims! Whoever seeks for a life partner who is free from all defects is looking for something unachievable. The Messenger of Allaah said, “No believing man should hate his believing woman. If he finds some traits which he dislikes in her, he will find in her other traits which he likes.” He also said, “Any woman who asks her husband for divorce without valid excuse, she will never perceive the aroma of Paradise.”

Dear Muslim woman and wife! Be like the earth for your husband he will be like the heaven for you. Be like a resting place for him he will be like a pillar for you, be like a maid for him he will be like a servant for you. Take care of the time of his meals and maintain quietness during his sleeping periods, for the bitterness of hunger is burning and any disturbance during time of sleep is irritating.

Keep his company with satisfaction and relate to him with obedience. Do not ever reveal his secret and do not disobey him. Beware of the things that may make the life sour for him. Do not fast while he is at home without his consent and do not allow anybody to enter his house without his permission.

Know that the more you respect him the more he honours you. Do not keep far from him lest he forgets you and exert all efforts to please him. But you should do that in the light of the injunctions of Islaam. Whenever he requests his rights from you, give them to him. The Messenger of Allaah said, “If a man invites his wife to bed and she refuses and the man passes the night being angry with her, the Angels will curse her until the she wakes up in the morning.” (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Serve him willingly and satisfactorily, for that strengthens mutual love and affection. It is enough for a Muslim woman as a blessing and good tiding that the Messenger of Allaah said, “Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise.” (Ibn Hibbaan)

Dear brother who is the husband! Fear Allaah regarding your wife. Do not burden her with what is beyond her capability. Always assist her in difficulty and be compassionate with her if she is tired or if she falls sick. Always be considerate whenever she is pregnant, she is in post-natal period or she is breastfeeding. Thank her much and appreciate her gratitude. Know that your authority over your wife does not in any way mean that you are free to oppress her or treat her with contempt. It means that you should preserve her honour, teach her, educate her and keep her chaste. Do not let your major concern be monitoring her mistakes and do never treat her suspiciously.

However, do not overlook things that might contravene religious or moral values. The Prophet said, “There are two types of jealousy. Allaah loves one and hates the other. Allaah loves sense of jealousy in a suspicious situation and hates sense of jealousy in other situations.” (Ahmad)

O you husband! Beware of much nagging for it generate hatred. Do not deny your wife and children your kindness lest they become fed up with you and wish for your early death. The Prophet said, “It is enough a sin for a man to neglect those he ought to provide with sustenance.” (Aboo Daawood)

Be always generous and kind, for generosity is a quality of good leadership. There is no good in extravagance as there is no extravagance in kindness. Allaah says,

“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means, and do not harm them so as to straiten them (that they be obliged to leave you house). And if they are pregnant, then spend on them till they lay down their burden. Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment, and let each of you accept the advice of the other in a just way. But if you make difficulties for one another, then some other woman may give suck for him (the father of the child). Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease.” (At-Talaaq 65:6-7)

The Messenger of Allaah said, “Fear Allaah regarding your wives, for you married them under the trust of Allaah and they became lawful for you with the word of Allaah. And you owe them their provision and shelter according to what is reasonable.” The Prophet also said, “When a man spends something on his family, it is will be recorded for him as a charity.” (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)

Fellow Muslims! Prophet Muhammad, blessings and peace be upon him, who is the leader of mankind used to treat his family with kindness. He would laugh with them and share light moods with them. He used to say, “The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in conduct. And the best of you is the kindest in the treatment of his family.”

O husbands! Do not exceed the limits set by Islaam while spanking your wives. Beware of inflicting bodily harm on them for doing so has horrible consequences. The Messenger of Allaah said, “None of you should flog his wife as he would do his slave and then sleep with her at the end of the day.”

Dear brethren! Some men exceeded the limit of punishing their wives during the time of the Messenger of Allaah. These women came to the wives of the Prophet to complain about their husbands’ battering. The Prophet then addressed the people saying, “Many women have come to the wives of Muhammad complaining of their husbands’ battering. Those husbands are not among your good men.” (Aboo Daawood)

O you husbands! Spending night hours outside the home causes distress for the wife and makes her life unbearable. It threatens the stability of your homes and exposes your children to negligence and temptations of this age.

Brethren in faith! The appearance of sins and religious violations in many homes is the major cause of their disintegration. Dissentions and mutual suspicion have prevailed in many homes as a result of the satellite programs that many families watch. Allaah says,

“Allaah wronged them not, but they wronged themselves.” (Aal ‘Imraan 3:117)

Fear Allaah and cleanse your homes from things that may bring upon you curse and expulsion from the mercy of your Lord. Allaah says,

“Say: ‘Verily, Allaah sends astray whom He wills and guides unto Himself those who turn to Him in repentance.’” (Ar-Ra‘d 13:27)

Fellow Muslims! Let the Muslim woman who is the nurturer of coming generations demonstrate tenderness, compassion and intelligent in carrying out her duties; and let the man who is in charge demonstrate resoluteness, valour, sound reason and deliberateness in discharging his duties. Let both of them live a honourable life under the shade of Islaam by adhering to the injunctions of Allaah and His Messenger and cooperating in righteousness and piety. The Prophet said, “May Allaah bless a man who wakes up in the night, observes voluntary prayers and then awakens his wife and she also observes voluntary prayers. If she refuses to wake up, he sprinkles water on her face. May Allaah bless a woman who wakes up in the night, performs voluntary prayers and then awakens her husband and he also performs supererogatory prayers. When he refuses to wake up, she sprinkles water on his face.” Allaah says,

“And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith: to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned.” (At-Toor 52:21)

Brethren in Islaam! Fairness brings about familiarity and obedience. It is through fairness and justice that love renewed. The unjust person will have no neighbour.

O you men with more than one wife! Deal justly among your wives as regards housing, clothing, feeding, expenses and nights sharing. Beware of unfairness, for it causes punishment from Allaah. The Prophet said, “When a man has two wives and he is inclined to one of them, he will come on the Day of resurrection with a side hanging down.” (Ahmad)

A manifestation of the Prophet’s equal treatment of his wives is that whenever he wanted to travel, he would draw a ballot among his wives and would take along any of them whose ballot prevailed. Whenever he divided something equally among his wives, he would say, “O Allah, this is my division concerning what I possess, so do not blame me concerning what You possess and I do not.” (Aboo Daawood)

Treat your wives equally and take into consideration the jealousy that they cannot naturally prevent. An example of the women’s jealousy is what was narrated by ‘Aaishah who said, “I have never seen anyone who cooked better than Safiyyah. She presented a bowl of food to the Messenger of Allaah. I was overwhelmed by jealousy so much so that I broke the bowl. I told the Messenger of Allaah, ‘What is the atonement for what I had done?’ He said, “The similar bowl and the similar food.” (Ahmad)

‘Aaishah also said, “The envious woman (who is under the spell of envy) cannot tell the bottom of the valley from its top.”

Dear brethren! Demonstrate wisdom and deliberateness in your dealings with one another. Beware of evil company and evil deeds,

“And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful.” (An-Noor 24:31)

The Lost Love

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS[2]).

 

Amr Khaled

love is about actions and behavior, not hidden feelings. What happens if relationships between husbands and wives deteriorate? What happens to families? What kind of sins will be committed in society, what will the Shaytan (Satan) do to our homes? Our last hope lies in our homes, and if we lose that our societies will be useless for another 200 years. A major problem faced by husbands and wives is the loss of love. We’re not discussing marital disputes, or the causes of divorce, we’re talking about the lost love. How do we lose love? In the first stage they stop talking to each other. Couples talk for hours while they are engaged, they spend long hours on the phone and when they finally hang up they still have more to say. At the beginning of their marriage they talk even more. Then, a few years down the line there’s less and less to say.

A man may spend 12 hours at work and actually forget to call his wife. The second stage is to avoid spending time at home; some husbands go through a lot of trouble to make up excuses and tell lies to escape spending time at home. The third stage is when both partners stop seeing each other’s good sides and focus on their partner’s faults; and Shaytan plays a major role here. The Prophet (SAWS) said very beautiful words in this regard; he said that a believer should not dislike his wife, because even if he dislikes something about her, he will always find something that he likes. The point is that they both have faults, and they probably were like this since the very first day, but at this stage they can only see each other’s faults. The fourth stage is to lose their intimate relationship for months. Although we’ve discussed four stages of losing love at home, until this stage they are still respectable people, and they haven’t committed any major sins.

However, after this, one may then start looking for love outside his/her home, and this may soon turn into cheating and a series of other major sins that displease Allah (AWJ[3]). Again, Shaytan has an important role to play here. Ibnul-Qayyim said that Shaytan makes you see what you don’t have as more beautiful and attractive that what you have. This is how Shaytan works. The Prophet (SAWS) said that a person who betrays carries a flag on the Day of Judgment saying this is so-and-so’s betrayal, clearly telling people what this person did.

I’m not talking to men only, I’m very sorry to say that women also reach the stage I’m talking about – this was not the case 30 or 40 years ago -.

Can we bring back the love to our homes? Yes! Allah (SWJ) said what can be translated as “…and He has made between you amity and mercy…” (TMQ[4], 30:21). Note that “has made” is past tense, this means that Allah (SWT[5]) creates this amity and mercy deep in the hearts of husbands and their wives on the day they are married. Take an example for Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) on the day he conquered Makkah, 15 years after Lady Khadijah Bint-Khuwaylid’s death; his companions were urging him to stay at one of their homes, yet he asked them to set up a tent for him near her grave. A year after Khadija’s death a lady companion met Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) and suggested that he gets married for he had 5 children and it would be difficult for him to bring them up on his own; the Prophet shed tears on Khadijah’s memory and said that no woman could resemble her. The lady later said she regretted having reminded him.

You may say that this is the Prophet (SAWS) and no one else is like this. So let me tell you the story of a man who I met in England when I was 20 years old. This man, a scholar from al-Azhar, was in his sixties or seventies at that time, while his wife was in her fifties and they had been married for nearly 35 years. He had gone to England to give some lectures and his wife accompanied him. I could not imagine how this man loved his wife to the extent that he woke me up one day at 8:00 o’clock in the morning and asked me to go with him to Oxford to buy her a present while she was sleeping. I was surprised that after all those years of marriage he was thinking of buying his wife a present and he was also very keen on choosing something that will please her. After some time I traveled back to Egypt and went to visit him, he welcomed me but told me that he was busy at that time and asked me to wait for him in the guest room. He left me waiting for half an hour and I was upset, when he returned he apologized and explained that he and his wife spend an hour every Friday after al-Asr (afternoon) prayer to read Qur’an and talk to each other. I did not think it was possible at that time for a couple to love each other so much after so many years of marriage.

The Prophet (SAWS) was talking to one of his companions called Jaber Ibn-Abdullah on their way back from Zat-Arika’ battle. We all know Jaber’s story whose wife died and he married a lady who could take care of his nine daughters. So, on their way back from the battle the Prophet (SAWS) told him that when they reach Madinah the army will wait outside its borders so that Jaber’s wife would know that the army is back and prepare herself to welcome her husband. The thing is, The Prophet (SAWS) understood that the army had been away for a long time, and their wives do not know when they will be back, and, being busy taking care of their children and houses they may not be ready to welcome their husbands, so he wanted to give them time to prepare themselves. This is very important for women today who do not appreciate how important it is for them to look presentable in front of their husbands.

What does all this have to do with Ramadan? This is the essence of Ramadan, and we want to emerge from Ramadan with husbands who are determined to strengthen their homes by taking their wives’ hands and starting to walk through life together. The Prophet (SAWS) used to walk with Lady Zainab Bint-Jahsh and hold her hand in front of his companions without feeling embarrassed about that like most men do.

Sometimes we only appreciate someone close to us when they die, although we never appreciated them during their lives. I will tell you the story of a girl who studied fine arts and used to paint pictures and portraits and things like that. She decided to paint a picture of her parents and give it to them as a gift on their wedding anniversary. She worked in her room and hid her work from her parents to make it a surprise, until one night her father walked into her room and caught her when she was almost done with the picture. She says she really felt like showing it to him, and when he saw it he marveled at how beautiful his wife is and asked if he could buy a frame for the picture and attach a small card for her mother. So she agreed and they kept the picture a secret from her mother. Unfortunately, her father died before the anniversary day and the girl hesitated before showing the picture to her mother. She finally showed it to her and the mother read her husband’s card in which he said “My daughter reminded me of how lucky I am to have married you – I’ll always look into your eyes.”. The girl’s mother was touched by those words and regretted that she had not heard such sweet words from him during his life.

Moreover, Abu-Bakr asked that his wife Asmaa Bint-Omayr would be the one to wash him and prepare him for burial after his death – this is very strange especially at that time – and when someone inquired about the reason, he replied that she was the closest to his heart, and so she did.

Also, Lady Aisha teaches women how to treat their husbands. She says she once went to bed with the Prophet (SAWS) and when he was covered with her quilt, he asked her permission to let him get up and pray for an hour to his Lord (Allah), she replied that she loves to be near him yet prefers what pleases him, that is, she prefers what he likes over what she likes.

On the other hand, Ali Ibn-Abi-Taleb teaches men how to treat their wives: When he was asked to describe his relationship with his wife Fatimah, the Prophet’s daughter, Ali replied with poetry; saying that Muhammad’s daughter is his wife and peace, and that her body and soul are entwined with his. Once Ali found his wife Fatimah brushing her teeth with a sewak (part of a tree bark that people use to clean their teeth), again, he came up with some funny poetry about the sewak to make her laugh.

Fatimah too joked with her husband. The Prophet (SAWS) walked in and heard her and Ali laughing out loud, they stopped when he came in, so he asked them about what made them laugh. They had been married for six or seven years then. Ali replied that she insisted that she was older than him although that was not true. Fatimah replied that she was older. So the prophet told his daughter that Ali was right. He thought she was being serious. She replied that she knew that but was only joking with her husband.

There is also Abdullah Ibnul-Mubarak, he was a great companion of the Prophet (SAWS) who fought for one year and went for hajj[6] the next; once he was on hajj and missed his wife, so he sent her a message with someone, nowadays we can send text messages to each other in seconds, he had to send a message with a messenger. His message said “My soul missed your soul, did you feel it?” 

The Prophet (SAWS) was sitting in his house one day and heard a knocking on the door and when asked who it was he heard a voice similar to lady Khadijah’s voice – that was long after her death. He wished it would be Hala, Khadijah’s sister, as he missed Khadijah and wanted to see one of her relatives. It turned out to be Hala, and he was very happy to see her.

Can this really happen? Of course it can! Allah (SWT) says what can be translated as “Say, ‘in case you (really) love Allah, then closely follow me, (and) Allah will love you and forgive you your guilty (deeds)…’” (TMQ, 3:31). Allah (SWT) also says what can be translated as “Indeed you have already had a fair example, in the Messenger of Allah …” TMQ( 33:21). Let’s apply the social aspect of the Prophet’s (SAWS) life.

The important question now is why do we lose love, didn’t Allah (SWT) create amity and mercy deep in our hearts? We lose love when we neglect it. A general rule in life is that anything that is neglected and not taken care of withers up and dies. Love is about actions, not hidden feelings. It’s like a bank account. When you were engaged you had a huge balance of love to rely on, but over the days you keep drawing from that account until you can draw no more – that’s when you can’t tolerate a small argument that you could have tolerated a few years ago. You have to deposit in your wife’s or your husband’s love account, deposit small actions like a smile, a hug, a call to their family members, to protect your love against disputes and hard times. Let’s take advantage of Ramadan, pray together, supplicate together, hold each other’s hands. Again, love is about actions, about effort.

Allah (SWT) said “amity and mercy”, not “love”, what’s the difference? Love is an inner feeling, but amity is a manifestation of love, amity is an action. Love is an invisible feeling, but a smile is an action, that’s amity. That’s why one of Allah’s Most Beautiful Names is Al-Wadud, The Ever-Affectionate, because when Allah (SWT) loves someone an action results; The Prophet (SAWS) said “when Allah loves a person, He calls Jibril (Angel “Gabriel”) and says (to him): ‘I love so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ So Jibril loves him. Then he makes an announcement in the heaven saying ‘Allah loves so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ Then the inhabitants of heaven (the angels) would love him, and acceptance is established for him on earth”. So start depositing in your spouses’ emotion accounts, work together to bring the love back. How long would it take? I would say about a month, from experience, Allah willing. Allah (SWT) assures us that the love is there.

Do not be miserly with your feelings; do not let your spouses look for love outside your homes. Express your feelings and do not be shy. Salman al-Faresi saw Abul-Dardaa’s wife in a bad state, neglecting her appearance and when asked for the reason, she told him that her husband neglected her, as he was busy with worship day and night. This was during the time of the companions, and she was a pious woman, but nowadays, many women in the same situation would start looking for love outside their homes, it is not justifiable, but men should not drive their wives to that. May Allah forgive us all and bring all those husbands and wives who hear us today closer together.
 

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[1] The word Allah is the Arabic term for God. Although the use of the word “Allah” is most often associated with Islam, it is not used exclusively by Muslims; Arab Christians and Arabic-speaking Jews also use it to refer to the One God. The Arabic word expresses the unique characteristics of the One God more precisely than the English term. Whereas the word “Allah” has no plural form in Arabic, the English form does. Allah is the God worshipped by all Prophets, from Adam to Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.

[2] SAAWS= Salla Allah alayhe Wa Salam [All Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him].

[3]  AWJ= Aza-Wa-Jal [Glorified and Sublime be He].

[4]  TMQ=Translation of the Meaning of the Qur’an.  This translation is for the realized meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah: Ayah)  of the Qur’an.  Reading the translated meaning of the Qur’an can never replace reading it in Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.

[6] Hajj: The pilgrimage to Makkah during the first half of the month of Dhul-Hijjah, and is the fifth pillar of Islam.

Fiqh Of Love

Fiqh of Love – The Fiqh of Marriage in Islam is the official recording of an AIMaghrib Institute seminar. What you hold in your hands is a detailed look at the process and rites of marriage in Islam as explained by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. The seminar begins with a discussion of the various concepts of love as defined by Islam and other competing theories. It then presents the flqh of marriage beginning with the search for a suitable spouse, following the entire process including the details of the marriage contract and then concluding with advice for marriage life. This amazing seminar is a testament to the comprehensive nature of Islam as well as to the mercy and sensitivity of Allah that He should make clear to us the right way even in our most intimate affairs. Insha’Allah, you’ll witness your Eman growing stronger as your understanding of the wisdom of the Qur’an and Sunnah comes alive in your mind, in your soul, and in your heart. We call it an EmanRush! Visit EmanRush.com for a complete list of available single CD’s and other available seminars.

CD 1 | CD 2 | CD 3 | CD 4 | CD 5 | CD 6 | CD 7 | CD 8 | CD 9 | CD 10 | CD 11 | CD 12 | CD 13 | CD 14 | CD 15 |

Be A Really Good Wife

Author Unknown

Let me tell you the ways to get to his heart
Delicious food is where you should start

A really good meal – there’s nothing like it
Be it steak or biryani, kebabs or fish

When he returns home from work, greet him at the door
A really nice smile will please him for sure

Elegant clothes, make-up, perfume applied
All these things make for an attractive wife.

Serve him his meal and do it with style
The domestic woes can wait for a while.

Be a good listener – Was his day alright?
Be ready to give him support and advice

When he’s home, try to be there for him
No friend can be more important than him

If he wants to go out put everything aside
Let your company be the best thing in life

Be smiling and cheerful and do make him laugh
This is one more way of keeping his heart

Use wisdom and tact when dealing with him
Nothing can be gained by fighting with him

If he does say something which you don’t like
Do give it some thought, perhaps he’s right

As for his money, do spend it with care
Remember all the hard work it took to get there

Be grateful to him in deeds, words and thoughts
Ingratitude to husbands is disliked by God

If you do all this, it’ll improve your life
For marital bliss makes this world Paradise

And think of the reward there is in the Next
It’ll motivate you into doing your best.

Marital Happiness

Amr Khaled

Translated by the www.daralislamlive.com team.
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In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Let’s start this lecture by asking a question; does marital happiness have an expiration date? Do you have to love each other passionately before marriage in order to attain true happiness once you are married? Is marital happiness something that cannot be achieved, or is it something fictitious that we read about in books? Marital happiness does exist and it is something that can be achieved. A couple can live happily until they die. Love is like a plant, if you water it, it will grow and if you leave it, it will die. There is actually a simple recipe that can be used to achieve marital happiness. This recipe is composed of five steps or recommendations; one is for the man, the second for the woman and the rest are for both to follow:

1. Provide a Great Deal of Forgiveness, Mercy and Pardon (for the husbands):

Being forgiving and merciful also means rarely losing your temper and it also means that you let a lot of things pass. No matter what happens, a woman will be grateful that her husband did everything he could to not upset her and that he always treats her as though she was the apple of his eye. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said that the best people are not those who pray a lot, cry in their prayers or have memorised the Qur’an, but the best of men are those who treat their wives well. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) then said that in this regard, his is the best. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) never said that he was better in doing anything than anyone, except when it came to treating his wives. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) also said referred to women as glass, because glass is delicate. No matter how many mistakes she makes, you must be ready to forgive and pardon her.

The Prophet’s wife (P.B.U.H.) ‘A’isha once made food for him and told him that it was for him and the companions. She saved up money and then spent it on a meal for the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and his companions. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was very happy and he put the food in a clay bowl and he started calling the companions to come and eat with him. ‘A’isha looked out from her room and saw the happiness and she got jealous. She then came out of her room and kicked the bowl which shattered to pieces. What would you do if your wife did this to you? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) kneeled on the floor and started picking up the food off of the floor and tried putting it back into the bowl. He then looked at the companions and said, “Your mother got jealous,” in other words he was telling them to just let it go. He then went to speak calmly with ‘A’isha and told her that since she broke a dish she should replace it by making another one. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said all of this without getting angry or raising his voice. Aisha apologised to him and asked him to forgive her. Some homes actually break up because of scenarios similar to this one. In another incident, the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘A’isha got into an argument and he asked her whom she chose to be a judge between them. Eventually, she settled on her father, Abu Bakr. When Abu Bakr came, ‘A’isha told the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) to tell her father only the truth. Abu Bakr got angry; how could the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) say anything but the truth? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) told Abu Bakr that they did not come here for him to be angry. After the situation ended and Abu Bakr left, he could hear the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘A’isha laugh. Abu Bakr then asked them to share their laughter as they have shared their fight.

A man from the companions had a wife who used to always yell and so he went to talk ‘Omar Ibn Al Khattab for some advice. When he arrived to ‘Omar’s house and was about to knock, he heard ‘Omar’s wife yell at him. When the man heard this he decided to turn around and leave. As he was turning around, ‘Omar opened the door and asked the man why he came. The man told him he was coming to complain about his wife but then he heard ‘Omar’s wife yell as well. ‘Omar then replied and said that his wife tolerated him, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, made him comfortable, and took care of his children. If she did all of this for him, how could he not tolerate her when she raised her voice?

You want the love in your home to increase? Then be ready to be extremely forgiving. The man who doesn’t allow his wife to visit her family will have to answer to Allah (S.W.T.). How can she love him if he won’t let her see her family? Where is the mercy when a man intentionally makes his wife jealous by telling her he will marry another? To a woman this is not a joking matter. Some men keep threatening their wives with divorce. How is then there supposed to be marital happiness? Men who do this are weak. If they were strong they would be able to do what the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and ‘Omar did, they would be able to take control of their homes without using divorce as a threat. All of these things reduce marital happiness of the potential of it. The home is lost when a man and woman treat each other with disrespect. Some men say that they did not insult their wives because they do not consider the word stupid an insult. How can two people who have made a solemn promise to Allah (S.W.T.) swear at each other and push one another around? How can a man beat his wife? The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) never hit a woman. Being merciful does not mean that the man will have a weak personality. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was forgiving and he had a strong personality. A woman cherishes and values a man who is forgiving and she knows who has the weak personality and who has the strong personality. Men who don’t spend time with their wives because they are too busy at work, or who keep to themselves and don’t tell their wives what they are thinking or feeling are not showing mercy. When the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) wanted to go and open Makkah, the only person he told was ‘A’isha because he knew she could be trusted. Men need to be forgiving with their wives when they are pregnant or menstruating; these are times when women most need the support of their husbands.

When ‘A’isha was menstruating, the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) would take the cup and drink from the same spot ‘A’isha drank from. He wanted to drink from the spot that touched her lips to show her that he understands the sensitivity of her situation. Men should also not ask their wives for too many things. Don’t ask her to get up at 2:00 A.M. and cut you some watermelon. Or if both of you are sitting down, go make yourself a cup of tea instead of making her do it. Keep in mind that according to Islam, both the husband and wife are supposed to share the responsibilities in the home since you are partners.

The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was the one who use to milk the goat, fix his shoes, used to go the market and he used to help with the house chores. Allah (S.W.T.) says: “Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.” [Qur'an: 4:19]

There was once a man who complained about his wife to a sheikh in my presence. The man told the sheikh that he could not stand his wife, he could stand looking at her and that he hated her. He didn’t want her but he also didn’t want to treat her with injustice and so he wanted to know if he should divorce her or not. The sheikh replied with one verse from the Qur’an: “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning (or measure).” [Qur'an 39:10]. If you are patient with her, you will not be judged on Judgment Day. A month later, I met the man again and asked him how things were going. The man and his wife were still together and he said that he loved her so much. Earlier, the man thought to himself and decided that he would rather be patient and not be reckoned than divorce his wife. Within a month of his decision he felt as though he loved her in a way he never knew before. He couldn’t believe that he actually thought of leaving her.

2. Listen to Your Husband and Raise His Spirits (for the wives):

Some wives have a habit of constantly nagging their husbands and picking fights. In turn, the husband gets tired and starts neglecting his wife which only fuels more nagging and whining. A man needs someone to talk to about his problems. But he cannot do this if his wife won’t listen because she is too busy nagging and complaining, and this is when he will start looking for someone else to talk to.

When there is a problem, a woman should try to raise her husband’s spirits by telling him not to worry, that Allah (S.W.T.) will be by their side and that she will stand by him. No matter how strong or macho a man is, he will always need a woman’s care and support. It is the wife’s words of support that keep the husband strong and solid.

One of the best ways of keeping a man is to always be there to listen, someone with open arms who can encourage him and raise his spirits. If you do this, your man will not be able to leave you. Try to keep your temper under control and try not to yell often as well, in order to increase your marital happiness. Once a couple swears at each other, or pushes one another, the relationship will forever be scarred. Do whatever you can to not say something that you don’t mean, not to swear and no matter what, do not push one another or hit one another, otherwise you will both start losing everything you had.

Women should look at Khadeejah as an example. What did Khadeejah do that made her one of the few people who was given the good tiding of heaven? Simply, she stood by the Prophet (P.B.U.H.). The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) used to leave Khadeejah and go to the cave for long periods of time. What did she do when he first came running to her after seeing the angel Gabriel for the first time? Any woman who was bitter because her husband would leave her for long periods at a time would have said that he deserved it for spending too much time in some cave. When the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) told Khadeejah that he was afraid for himself, she firmly said that no way would Allah (S.W.T.) leave him or let him down.

If you listen to your husband and try to make this easier for him, he will love you always; who else would he find who would treat him this way? He will also never look at another woman no matter what she looked like or what she did.

3. Develop a Common Goal in the Home (for the husband and the wife):

When a couple live separate lives, so that all he does is work and all she does is raise the children, eventually the love will cool off and disappear. Having a common goal is the water that nourishes the love in marriages. The husband and wife should sit down and find a common goal to work towards together. A 60 year old man had an amazing and loving relationship with his wife, simply because they agreed to help the people in their neighbourhood become closer to Allah (S.W.T.). In another home, the husband and wife were cold towards one another until one day they decided to start a charity for orphans together. As the charity started growing, so did their love for one another because they were doing something good together. A set of parents decided that they wanted to raise their child a certain way so they would both drop him off at computer class and swimming practice and they did everything they could together to achieve their goal.

Your relationship will never cool off or get cold as long as you do things together, because you have a common goal. Relationships fall apart when the couple do not have common interests and when they do not do things together. If you come up with a goal that is associated with doing something for Allah (S.W.T.), then know that you will be happy because it is not an ending goal. Goals like getting an apartment can come to an end, but a goal associated with Allah (S.W.T.) will always be ongoing. Create goals that will benefit those around you and your community and country.

4. Close the Door to the Wickedness and Sins of the World

It is important for the couple to do what they can to protect themselves from the sins and wickedness of the world. Men who ignore their wives for weeks in bed are exposing them to the potential of doing something wrong. ‘Omar Ibn Al Khattab changed the army’s timetable because of this matter. He asked his daughter Hafsa what the longest time a woman could withstand without her husband and she said four months. He then changed the army rules so that no man left for Jihad for longer than four months. ‘Omar did all of this because he over heard a woman saying a poem one night about how much she missed her husband who was away. Many men do not realise how critical this issue is. If you are going to travel, try to take your wife with you or try not to be gone for long. And if you are in the same country and are ignoring your wife for weeks or months at a time, then know that you are sinning. Also know that you are giving your wife the chance to do something wrong.

Men who get satellite or cable into their homes, along with explicit channels, need to know that they are sinning and that they are ruining their homes. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) forbade the husband’s male family members to visit the wife while the husband was away because of all the problems that could occur. For example, the brother in law cannot come and visit the wife on his own and enter her home on his own. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) did this to keep our homes pure and clean.

The first and most dangerous things that ruin the happiness between married couples are the sins that men and women commit with one another. Some men become close with their female co-workers and the relationship keeps developing until it goes too far. When the wife tells her husband not to talk so much with his female workers, he tells her that she is just jealous, when in reality she is right. The devil plays a very smart game that we need to be aware of. What the devil will do is make what you don’t have seem so much more beautiful in your eyes than what you do have. While the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) was on his trip from al Isra’a and Miraj, he saw people being offered meat that was good and they left it to eat meat that was bad and rotten. The Prophet (P.B.U.H.) asked Gabriel who those people were. Gabriel said they were those who left their wives for what was sinful.

5. Worship Allah (S.W.T.) Together

This is the most important of all. Doing this will guarantee that you and your spouse will be happy together. Allah is the one who created happiness and He is the one who gives it and takes away. Worship Allah (S.W.T.) together and he will fill your hearts with happiness. Once a week, pray two prostrations with your spouse or read the Qur’an together. Allah (S.W.T.) will look and find a husband and wife worshipping Him together. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If a man wakes his wife and prays during the night or they pray two rak`ahs together, they will be recorded among those (men and women) who (constantly) make remembrance of Allah.” This is related by Abu Dawud and others through an authentic chain of narrators.

You can do this anywhere together. While you are in the car on your way somewhere, you can remember Allah together, even if it is just for the first five minutes of your ride. If the last thing you do together before going to bed is worship Allah, do you think you will wake up and fight over a ripped button? If you worship Allah together you will feel as though love is being thrown into your hearts. And it will be a different kind of love, an unusual kind of love.

God willing we want all our homes to be filled with joy and love. We want men who will always call and check on their wives while they are at work. We want women who will be able to sense if something is wrong with their husbands. We want husbands and wives to love each other the way ‘Omar loved Om Kalthoom, so that when ‘Omar died on Monday, Om Kalthoom was so sad that she was dying on Tuesday. She loved him so much that she could not live without him. We want to see married couples that would do everything to please one another and keep the smiles on each other’s faces.

Love in Islam

Aisha Tahira Stacey

Coming from a Western or European background, we often equate love with the stereotypical images that we see in all forms of media. The pouting woman waiting breathlessly at home for husband to appear to “love her,” alternatively the career woman who throws off the shackles of the workforce to return breathlessly home to her waiting husband. Sex sells, and the print and visual media take advantage of this fact. Sex sells, and businesses in all corners of the world will do anything to make an extra dollar. Sex is not love, and the word ‘love’ has, unfortunately, lost much of its true meaning.
We drive to work past the giant billboards selling cars and clothes and laundry detergent. The billboards all have one thing in common a pouting woman who says with smoldering eyes “drive this car and attract women like me”; “wear this brand of clothes and women will want you more then the clothes.” We open the newspaper to see advertisements for exotic destinations; the people appear to be happy and “in love.” The television and movie screens tell us that if you consume this product you will be desirable, your husband or wife will “love you.” Drink brand X and fall in love, wear brand Y and have all fall in love with you.
This is not love, this is an advertising ploy. Marriages fall by the wayside because husbands and wives find that they cannot live up to the expectations that they impose on themselves and each other. The images are impossible to emulate simply because they are not real; they come from the minds of advertising executives, not from the natural order of our lives. Our senses are assaulted almost every waking moment by images of what the media feeds to us as a normal lifestyle. These images are not normal, and the lifestyles that they portray are in no way a reflection of how men and woman should live together in a normal, healthy relationship.

Islam, on the other hand, being the natural way for human beings to live, employs no trickery or gimmicks. Love in Islam brings men and woman together with strong bonds that tie couples together with the rope of Islam. [And hold fast all of you together, to the rope of Allah (i.e., this Qur'an), and be not divided among your selves, and remember Allahs favour on you ] (Aal `Imran 3:103). A marriage based firmly and soundly on the Qur’an and the Sunnah should suffer none of the pangs of insecurity and subterfuge that abound in marriages whose role models are the pouting woman and muscle bound man found in all forms of media. Marriage in Islam is a contract between two people, a man and a woman, by which they agree to enter into a [halal ] relationship for the sake of Allah Most High.

It is a relationship that binds them to each other through all the tests and trials of this life, through hardship and ease. [Verily along with every hardship is relief] (Ash-Sharh 94:6). It should be a relationship whose sole purpose is to worship, praise, and thank Allah Most High. If love-the tender blissful feeling of being in love-is present in this relationship, then it is an extra blessing from Allah.

Marriage in Islam is not based on whether we find our partner desirable or whether he or she contributes a great deal of money to the family. Marriage in Islam is a partnership. Two people, working as one unit. One unit striving for Jannah, longing to secure themselves a place in the shade of Allah. Love in Islam is a [halal ] marriage secure in the knowledge that the wealth and adornments of this world are but illusions and that it is in the Hereafter that our real lives will begin.

[And the life of this world is nothing but play and amusement. But far better is the house in the hereafter for those that are al-muttaqun (the pious). Will you not then understand?] (Al-An`Am 6:32)

If we examine our thoughts on love and marriage and endeavor to renew our intentions to have a marriage for the sake of Allah Most High, we will, (in sha’ Allah), find that we are no longer blinded by the subtle advertising that invades our lives and eats away at our iman. Shaytan (Satan) works in devious and treacherous ways and loves nothing more then to put enmity between a husband and wife. His work is made easier by the fact that we are so easily deceived. Before we realize what is happening, the seeds of destruction have grown into an evil tree.

We begin to think and worry because our marriages are not what we see on the television or read about in the latest release novels. Our minds are invaded with thoughts that are contrary to the natural order of Islam and the universe, and our insecurities lead us to long for unattainable and unnecessary ideals in our lives and marriages. We have grown complacent in our commitment to our marriages and to our Islam, where as Shaytan is ever watchful and eager to guide us to the path that leads to nowhere but eternal Hellfire.

A marriage in Islam is about more than “love”; love in Islam is about more than tender feelings and smoldering sexual desires.
Through our commitment to Islam we should be able to return to an era where love and marriage are synonymous. Where a marriage is a partnership, a bonding of two people that, like ripples on water, moves ever steadily outwards to encompass the ideals of an Islamic community. The bonds of marriage should tie us to each other, to our families and children, to our brothers and sisters in Islam, to the worldwide Ummah. If we put our love for Allah first and our own desires last, then we should find ourselves in a relationship that no longer falls prey to the subterfuge of Shaytan. We should cling tightly to the rope of Islam and recognize the fact that life is not always sunshine and roses but that this (dunya) is a place of testing and tribulations. [Do people think they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested] (Al-`Ankabut 29:2). We should bear our tests with patience and gratitude, take refuge with Allah, and take comfort in the arms of our spouses.

[And We will most certainly try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give good news to the patient, Who, when a misfortune befalls them, say: Surely we are Allah's and to Him we shall surely return. Those are they on whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord, and those are the followers of the right course.] (Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

Nurturing Marital Love

Ten ways to achieve lasting love

by Sheikh Salman al-Oadah

He bounded up the stairs so energetically that it was hard for me to believe that here was a man of more than eighty years. He had the vitality of a youth. Then I learned the reason why:

Though he had gotten married back in 1947 when he was about thirty years old, he was able to say to me: “I do not recall that I ever once got angry with my wife or that she was even once annoyed with me. And if I had a headache, it was impossible for her to sleep until after I fell asleep.”

Then he said with feeling: “I can never think of going out somewhere, even to purchase some household needs, without taking her with me and holding her hand. It is as if we are newlyweds.”

When, due to a medical operation, she had become unable to bear children, he said to her: “You are more precious to me than children.”

He told me: “As long as she walks upon the Earth, I could never even think of marrying anyone else.”

That man is a good example of how devotion can last even into old age. Unfortunately, when we look at the state of the majority of people of any age, we can appreciate that his relationship is a rarity indeed, a sort of ideal.

Of course, we do not have to be held to such an ideal. Moreover, we should not go to our spouses and expect them to be like that when we ourselves have so many shortcomings.

Marriage is love and affection. Allah says: “He created for you mates from among yourselves so that you can seek comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.” [Surah ar-Rum: 21]

This is why each sex is drawn to the other in the first place, as if each person is looking for his missing other half.

When the wife of the famous jurist Abu Rabi`ah died, he carried out her burial himself and had to wipe the dirt from his own hands. However, when he returned home, he was overcome with grief and lamented to his Lord, his eyes filling with tears: “Now…my home has died as well. The home only lives for the woman who dwells inside it.”

Marital love requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to last and remain vital. The difficulty of marital love does not lie in those small disagreements that are a normal part of everyday life and that all couples haves to work out. Indeed, such problems sometimes revitalize the relationship, like spice in a savory dish.

The real problem lies in three things:
1. The inability of one person to understand the other. Indeed sometimes a person even has difficulty understanding his own self.
2. The inability of a person to adapt to the partnership that is marriage and the inability to cope with the life changes that it brings. Many people expect things to remain the same as they were before.
3. The most important problem is a lack of commitment to the relationship and to making it last. This is why it is necessary for people to understand “the rules of the game” when it comes to love.

Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.

Husbands and wives must do the following:

1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each other.

A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.

Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access to what is not theirs.

Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take care to say them to his wife before someone else does.

2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed.

A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let her know that he is thinking about her.

If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife’s mouth…” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet (peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.

This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of effort.

A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might see as ridiculous.

Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our problems to go on forever.

3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times. Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their problems.

4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their sides.

5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.

Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties. The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.

6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality; something that will be cherished.

7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings. It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble character.

A woman said to `Â’ishah: “When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might have happened.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:

They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does not make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he brings something for the house, he does not enquire about it later on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.

It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good qualities.

There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”

8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the marital relationship.

9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.

10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.

If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have will be a lot if we utilize it well.

It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what they say. They just like to brag.

The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because we are not looking at it up close.