Archive for February, 2008

The Wife Is A Delicate Crystal

Posted in Advice for Husbands, Marriage Coaching on February 20, 2008 by Shaz

The Delicate Care Of A Precious WifeAnas Narrated, “The Messenger Of Allah was once traveling and a black boy called Anjashah was chanting for camels. The Messenger of Allah said, “O Anjashah, slowly, drive the camels slowly, as they are carrying Qawaareer (crystal).” (saheeh of muslim)

Crystal has exquisite beauty that glimmers in the light with each crystal having a unique design and pattern. Precision and care are taken with each small feature of fine crystal – down to the etching and intricate detail within it’s appearance. It is also fragile and delicate requiring utmost care, lest it should slip and break with its beauty and substance lost and gone. It is also valuable and makes for a precious gift, being admired, adorned, kept safe and gently handled.

Prophet Muhammad metaphorically used the term crystal to describe the believing women, asking Anjashah to drive the camels slowly for the camels were carrying these delicate precious women who could easily get hurt and injured. Our Prophet used this term to highlight their quality, characteristics and importance, as he gave them due consideration through an expression of kindness and love.Men are Qawwaamoon over women (Qur’aan 4:34)

Allah described the men as Qawwaamoon over their women, with the word Qawwaamoon highlighting how the Husband stands responsible over his Wife, offering her protection and maintenance whilst fulfilling her needs and upholding her care. This point is well known to the Muslims and has been rightfully emphasized repeatedly throughout the period of Islam. The husband is the one who guards, protects, maintains and cares for his wife. Yet something must accompany this reality, and that is the nature and essence of the wife who is delicate and precious and a companion requiring the utmost care and love. Yes the husband is from amongst the Qawwaamoon just like the wife is from amongst the Qawaareer. One for the other, with the qualities of the husband complimenting the qualities of the wife, as they combine and unite as one.

Allah gave everything its due share and gifted each object in creation with its unique gift as a bestowal and favour from Him. He gave men physical strength just like He gave women their gift of sensitivity and softness. The Prophet would teach the people about these differences, instructing the Husband and Wife to interact with each other accordingly. It is not befitting that the woman opposes her Husband in goodness and undermines his position of responsibility, just like it is not befitting for the Husband to neglect his Wife or handle her with inpatience and harshness. The wife is for the Husband and the Husband is for the wife, serving each other in unison as they live their lives worshipping Allah , helping each other along the way.

When we return to the Sunna of our Prophet and study his statements carefully we begin to understand the proper essence of things, for he would choose the most appropriate words for describing that which he would describe. Of all the things that break he could have chosen anything but he chose to describe the believing women as Qawaareer, highlighted many qualities including their being delicate, fragile, beautiful and precious.

The Delicate Gift of A Wife

Abu Hurairah narrated that Allah’s Messenger said, ‘ A Woman is like a rib. When you attempt to straighten it, you would break it. And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain in her.’ (saheeh of muslim)

The delicate nature of the wife has been reinforced by the above Hadeeth for the crooked rib can easily snap and break, just like a delicate piece of crystal can shattter and break. It is part of the responsibility of the husband to handle his wife with the utmost care and gentleness, steering clear of carelessness, crude behaviour, harshness and recklessness. If he behaves as such, he has abused his role of being amongst the Qawwaamoon and neglected the care of the Qawaareer.

The Beautiful Gift of A Wife

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet asked a man who had married a woman, ‘have you looked at her?’ He said, no.’ The Prophet said, ‘Go and look at her.’ (saheeh of muslim)

The beauty of the wife is an important aspect which attracts the husband when he meets her, sees her and marrys her. Our Prophet taught his Ummah to pay attention to beauty in the sense that the man and woman should be physically attracted to one another. We must understand the interpretation of beauty is individual to each person. The man and woman should marry for the sake of religion, but they should also be atracted to one another, and this is why our Prophet gave the command to look.

The Precious Gift of A Wife

Abdullah bin Amr narrated that the Prophet said, ‘The whole world is a provision, and the best provision of the world is the pious woman.’ (saheeh of muslim3465)

The precious companionship of a righteous wife is a gift like no other. When the wife strives in righteousness, Allah raises her status and rank. She becomes filled with goodness and a means for goodness for her husband. So her husband, upon recognizing this, should pay attention to what he has been given. He should be careful in how he treats her and views her, for she is worthy, precious and an invaluable companion like no other.

Blessed is He Who sent His slave Muhammad to convey His message and restore the Mezaan on Earth, with everything in the universe being intricately balanced as one part of creation assists, effects, and compliments another. Similar is the case with a believing husband and a believing wife, who compliment each other as they unite together as one. We should be careful in how we treat each other and how we view each other for the husband-wife relationship is an imporant part of Islam. We should acquire our understanding through the Qur’aan and Sunna, staying away from cultural influences ad practices which have made their way into the various Muslim lands. It is true that women have caused great fitnah, including the fitan caused by the unrighteous wife, but the problem is not confined to women. Some cultures advocate harshness on the part of the men, while other cultures pay little attention to the feelings of a woman when her heart can be easily broken and shattered. Many Muslim men have married righteous believing women yet they nelgect them and do not realise their worth. Yet this is the delicate gift of a precious wife we are talking about. If we truly claim to be servants of Allah and followers of Muhammad then let us follow the verses of the Qur’aan and understand the Sunna. Next time we study the verse of Qawwaamoon, let us also reflect on the Hadeeth of Qawaareer.

Men are Qawwaamoon over women (Qur’aan 4:34)

Anas Narrated, ‘The Messenger of Allah said, O Anjashah, slowly, drive the camels slowly, as they are carrying Qawaareer (crystal).’ (saheeh of muslim)

Written by Kamillah Khan

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Islam’s Reverence to Women as Wives

Posted in Uncategorized on February 19, 2008 by Shaz

Translated by http://www.daralislaamlive.com
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An article written by Amr Khaled in Alyakatha magazine on 24/12/2003.
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Let us now contemplate the signs of reverence of a woman as a wife in Islam from the beginning. It begins when choosing and accepting the husband. In Islam, a girl or woman is free to choose and accept her husband because this is part of her general liberties, as an individual and a human being, which equate those of men.

In Islam, a woman, whether a woman is a virgin or a matron, has complete and absolute freedom to accept or refuse someone who comes to ask for her hand in marriage. Her father or guardian has no right to force upon her what she does not want. This is because married life cannot be founded and continued on intimidation, anger and coercion. It was only authorized for love and compassion since Allah (SWT) says: “And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect” [Qur’an, T.M.Q. Ar-rum, verse 21].

How are love, compassion and rest to develop in a marriage where the wife has been forced to marry a man she does not love, want or find attractive? What is the evidence for what I have just mentioned and referred to? The evidence comes from the narrations of the two Sheikhs, narrated by Abu Hurairah: The Prophet said, “A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.” The people asked, “O Allah’s Apostle! How can we know her permission?” He said, “Her silence (indicates her permission).”

The matron is the divorced or widowed woman, and the virgin is the woman who has never been married. This hadith advocates that the permission of the virgin and the matron are conditions for the validity of the contract (of marriage). If the father or guardian weds the matron without her permission, the marriage contract is false and invalid. As in the story narrated by Khansa bint Khidam Al-Ansariya, that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah’s Apostle (P.B.U.H.) and he annulled her marriage.

The virgin has her own preference; she may wish to agree to her father’s or guardian’s choice or she may wish to refuse it. If she refuses, the marriage contract is annulled. The evidence that supports this right of the virgin is narrated by Ibn Abbas, that a virgin slave came to the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and said that her father gave her hand in marriage against her will. So the Prophet gave her the choice (narrated by Ahmed). This proves that the father has no advantage over others regarding the necessity of obtaining the virgin’s permission and her approval.

In Sahih Muslim and others, the Prophet has said, “And the virgin has to be consulted by her father”. This means that he should seek her permission and approval. Further evidence is what was narrated by Aisha, that a girl had come to see her and said, “My father has given me in marriage to his nephew to overcome his misfortune and I dislike it (this marriage)”. She said, “Wait until the Prophet arrives”. She retold the story to the Prophet, so he sent for her father and gave her say over the issue. She then said, “Oh Allah’s Apostle, I approve of my father’s action but I wanted to teach women something” (narrated by An-Nisa’e in the Book of Matrimony).

I will dwell on this story at several points:

Firstly, the girl’s saying, “and I dislike it”.

Secondly, the action of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.): he gave her say over the issue which means he gave her the right to endorse what the father has arranged or reject and refuse it. If she refuses, the contract is invalid.

Thirdly, the girl in the story was a virgin and not a matron so that no one would suggest that this right is for the matron and not the virgin. This was mentioned by An-Nisa’e when he narrated the story and the Hadith.

The fourth point is her statement, “I approve of my father’s action”. If she hadn’t, then the contract would have been annulled.

The fifth point is her comment, “I wanted to teach women something”. I think she has taught (us) that women, whether virgins or matrons, have the right to not be forced to marry a man they hate or do not accept.

Islam began to teach the father that, before everything else, his daughter was a human being and not merchandise to be displayed and given to whoever can pay more, which is the case of many fathers in our communities today.

What Islam has documented for girls and women in the matter of marriage regarding the freedom to accept or refuse was supported by another issue that is the permission of her guardian! This is an issue that requires a lot of explanations and detail that may not be appropriate here but could be referred to books and scholars of Fiqh.

But I say in general, if the father has no right to marry her daughter to someone she does not accept, it is the father’s right that she does not marry without his permission, to avoid talk and hearsay about her status, honour and integrity or allow any animosity, antagonism or cutting of family ties. This is because of the Prophet’s Hadith, “There is no marriage without a guardian (custodian)” (narrated by Abu Daoud, Al termithy, Ibn Majed and Ahmed).

The Apostle’s texts do not aim or intend to restrict (sensor) the girl but to honour her by providing all the guarantees that would make her marriage successful, happy and full of love and compassion; a marriage built on solid ground without a possibility of abusing the emotional side of it, thus missing or losing the remaining basis on which marriage is based, such as compatibility, religion and others. The person most likely to preserve these rights for the girl or woman is her father. The man, who fathered, raised, contained, disciplined, embraced, loved, spent and guided. He supported her when she needed support, wiped her tears, patted her on the shoulder. He is the tender father who wants nothing from his daughters and sons except what is good, beneficial and righteous.

What I wish for each marriage is for it to take place with the agreement of all parties: the father, the mother and the daughter, with everyone pleased with it: the daughter is not forced to marry someone she hates and the father is not pressured into accepting a man he doubts or disapproves of.

An Uncommunicative Husband

Posted in Advice for Husbands, Advice for Wives, Marriage Counselling on February 18, 2008 by Shaz

 Hwaa Irfan

Writer, counselor, editor – Egypt

In a question received through our Cyber Counseling service, a sister was at the end of her tether with a husband who was far from being communicative. there was an alignment of forces against her from his parents’ side. Her in-laws blame her for everything that has gone wrong, and her husband is singing the same tune.

Establishing the paths of communication between spouses in the early years of marriage can be like an obstacle course: With each effort, one loses the ability to be open to the other, especially today whereby the political climate has increased a global insecurity that is seeping into everyday lives.

Those insecurities can be based on class, race, gender, and personal ideologies; so, instead of becoming open to each other, in general, we are increasingly becoming closed off from one another, less trusting, and less considerate.
When families get involved in spreading misunderstanding, a whole vicious circle begins. In such situations, no one is innocent and everyone is a “partner-in-crime” to perpetuating the vicious circle, whether it be an observer, someone who “sits on the fence” – making but not acting on a decision – or someone who is actively being involved by spreading or repeating that which does not reflect the truth.

This kind of insecurity reflects`asabiyyah at its lowest form. On a family level, partisanship results in a clannish mentality, whereby the interests of the family or certain members are considered more important than the common good.

This is antithetical to Islam, which moves the individual from nurturance between mother and father, invested in which are the seeds that help one reach out and fulfill one’s potential and be of benefit to the greater community, that is, the society at large. The essence of Islam is tawheed(Oneness of Allah), and from that tawheedcomes the middle way, which Islam generally reflects.

Allah tells us:

[And among His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your tongues and colors; most surely there are signs in this for the learned.](Ar-Rum 30:22)

[O humankind, surely We have created you of a male and a female and made you tribes and families that you may know each other; surely the most honorable of you with Allah is the one among you most careful (of his or her duty); surely Allah is Knowing, Aware. } (Al-Hujurat 49:13)

When we behave antithetically to the principles of tawheed on a personal level, we effectively close all paths to learning. We lose the kind of learning that helps us reevaluate what we think is correct. When we stop learning, then we also become blocked to learning from one another. We put labels upon one another and condemn each other to that label, which prevents growth, change, and rejuvenation. The way we do this is reflected in the following Qur’anic verse:

{O you who believe, let not (one) people laugh at (another) people, perchance they may be better than they are, nor let women (laugh) at (other) women, perchance they may be better than they are; and do not defame one another or insult one another by nicknames; bad is the name of lewdness after faith, and those who do not turn in repentanceare (indeed) evildoers.} (Al-Hujurat 49:11)

In other words, we create myths about “the other,”which we act upon in order to cover up our ability to be open and balanced on the path of the middle way. The middle way is the point between two poles, which we are reminded of in many Prophetic hadiths and Qur’anic verses. Even in spousal relations, that middle way is emphasized as follows:

{And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them; surely Allah is Knowing, Aware.} (An-Nisaa’ 4:35)

This is why our book of guidance – the Qur’an – is sometimes referred to as the balancer, or al-mizan.
balancer. or al-mizan

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The focus should be between the husband and the wife, and that focus should be a striving for balance, but this means taking the path of the middle way. When one stops striving for the better, a negative pattern develops, which results in ending up blaming “the other” instead of first looking at one’s self.

A husband “switches off” to what the wife is saying because:

• He is not interested.

• He has no idea about what his wife is saying.

• He has a particular understanding of his role as a husband.

• He has a tendency toward male chauvinism.

• He is tired because of work.

• He is not used to communicating with women.

A wife should try to observe the following over a period of time :

• What interests her husband

• When he is more conversational

• What makes him laugh

• What makes him sad

A little risk taking is involved beside a willingness to dissolve personal myths and to develop the kind of communication that nurtures enough compassion. The key to mutual understanding will help build the right kind of relationship that is suitable to one’s marriage.

A wife should try as much as possible to pray with her husband, especially Fajr (Dawn) Prayer, the prayer that sets the day ahead.

A wife should also try to observe the following about her husband:

What he likes and dislikes
What brings out the worst in him
What brings out the best in him
A wife cannot have any direct control over her husband’s family, but she can influence her husband, who in turn will influence his family. Make regular du`aa’to help provide your relationship with strength and guidance and enough patience and compassion to allow the efforts to bear fruit.

 

And remember the following opposites that affect many relationships:

(+) Love (-) Fear
Empathy Refusal to understand
Trust Lies; deceit
Certainty Denial
Confidence Harmful actions
Understanding Blocked communication