An Uncommunicative Husband

 Hwaa Irfan

Writer, counselor, editor – Egypt

In a question received through our Cyber Counseling service, a sister was at the end of her tether with a husband who was far from being communicative. there was an alignment of forces against her from his parents’ side. Her in-laws blame her for everything that has gone wrong, and her husband is singing the same tune.

Establishing the paths of communication between spouses in the early years of marriage can be like an obstacle course: With each effort, one loses the ability to be open to the other, especially today whereby the political climate has increased a global insecurity that is seeping into everyday lives.

Those insecurities can be based on class, race, gender, and personal ideologies; so, instead of becoming open to each other, in general, we are increasingly becoming closed off from one another, less trusting, and less considerate.
When families get involved in spreading misunderstanding, a whole vicious circle begins. In such situations, no one is innocent and everyone is a “partner-in-crime” to perpetuating the vicious circle, whether it be an observer, someone who “sits on the fence” – making but not acting on a decision – or someone who is actively being involved by spreading or repeating that which does not reflect the truth.

This kind of insecurity reflects`asabiyyah at its lowest form. On a family level, partisanship results in a clannish mentality, whereby the interests of the family or certain members are considered more important than the common good.

This is antithetical to Islam, which moves the individual from nurturance between mother and father, invested in which are the seeds that help one reach out and fulfill one’s potential and be of benefit to the greater community, that is, the society at large. The essence of Islam is tawheed(Oneness of Allah), and from that tawheedcomes the middle way, which Islam generally reflects.

Allah tells us:

[And among His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your tongues and colors; most surely there are signs in this for the learned.](Ar-Rum 30:22)

[O humankind, surely We have created you of a male and a female and made you tribes and families that you may know each other; surely the most honorable of you with Allah is the one among you most careful (of his or her duty); surely Allah is Knowing, Aware. } (Al-Hujurat 49:13)

When we behave antithetically to the principles of tawheed on a personal level, we effectively close all paths to learning. We lose the kind of learning that helps us reevaluate what we think is correct. When we stop learning, then we also become blocked to learning from one another. We put labels upon one another and condemn each other to that label, which prevents growth, change, and rejuvenation. The way we do this is reflected in the following Qur’anic verse:

{O you who believe, let not (one) people laugh at (another) people, perchance they may be better than they are, nor let women (laugh) at (other) women, perchance they may be better than they are; and do not defame one another or insult one another by nicknames; bad is the name of lewdness after faith, and those who do not turn in repentanceare (indeed) evildoers.} (Al-Hujurat 49:11)

In other words, we create myths about “the other,”which we act upon in order to cover up our ability to be open and balanced on the path of the middle way. The middle way is the point between two poles, which we are reminded of in many Prophetic hadiths and Qur’anic verses. Even in spousal relations, that middle way is emphasized as follows:

{And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them; surely Allah is Knowing, Aware.} (An-Nisaa’ 4:35)

This is why our book of guidance – the Qur’an – is sometimes referred to as the balancer, or al-mizan.
balancer. or al-mizan

.
The focus should be between the husband and the wife, and that focus should be a striving for balance, but this means taking the path of the middle way. When one stops striving for the better, a negative pattern develops, which results in ending up blaming “the other” instead of first looking at one’s self.

A husband “switches off” to what the wife is saying because:

• He is not interested.

• He has no idea about what his wife is saying.

• He has a particular understanding of his role as a husband.

• He has a tendency toward male chauvinism.

• He is tired because of work.

• He is not used to communicating with women.

A wife should try to observe the following over a period of time :

• What interests her husband

• When he is more conversational

• What makes him laugh

• What makes him sad

A little risk taking is involved beside a willingness to dissolve personal myths and to develop the kind of communication that nurtures enough compassion. The key to mutual understanding will help build the right kind of relationship that is suitable to one’s marriage.

A wife should try as much as possible to pray with her husband, especially Fajr (Dawn) Prayer, the prayer that sets the day ahead.

A wife should also try to observe the following about her husband:

What he likes and dislikes
What brings out the worst in him
What brings out the best in him
A wife cannot have any direct control over her husband’s family, but she can influence her husband, who in turn will influence his family. Make regular du`aa’to help provide your relationship with strength and guidance and enough patience and compassion to allow the efforts to bear fruit.

 

And remember the following opposites that affect many relationships:

(+) Love (-) Fear
Empathy Refusal to understand
Trust Lies; deceit
Certainty Denial
Confidence Harmful actions
Understanding Blocked communication
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4 Responses to “An Uncommunicative Husband”

  1. […] The “All About Muslim Marriages” blog offers advice on how to deal with an uncommunicati…: When we behave antithetically to the principles of tawheed on a personal level, we effectively close all paths to learning. We lose the kind of learning that helps us reevaluate what we think is correct. When we stop learning, then we also become blocked to learning from one another. We put labels upon one another and condemn each other to that label, which prevents growth, change, and rejuvenation. […]

  2. Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah
    I pray that you are in the best of health & imaan.
    This is a short message to notify you that this entry has been selected for publishing on IJTEMA.net, a venture to highlight the best of the Muslim blogosphere. Please visit the site to find out more about our initiative.
    May Allah bless you for your noble efforts.
    Wa’salam

  3. Communication is such an important aspect of relationships and I’m really glad to see that you’re addressing that here. Marriage should not only be seen as a wedding of husband and wife, but a wedding of two Friends. And Friends must know one another, they must share and learn from each other. If one person is not communicating and sharing his/her thoughts, then isn’t that being unfair to the other spouse?

    I don’t know why Muslim men in particular neglect their wives in this way. Spending time with one’s wife should be one of the most beautiful things in the world. After all, why did God create Eve (peace be upon her) in the first place? Men and women are created from a SINGLE SOUL as the Qur’an states. In order to build healthier relationships, we must acknowledge this TRUTH. A husband should look at his wife and feel blessed. He should wake up every morning and thank Allah for such a beautiful and special person in his life. He should look at her and see his SOUL MATE. I have never been married, but if I were to advise brothers in Islam, I would tell them to never take marriage for granted. Take advice from someone who has suffered, and just live life to the fullest with them. Marriage is from Allah, it’s a blessing to be cherished, not ignored.

  4. amatullah Says:

    asalamualaikum

    great blog mashallah.Keep up the good work.We need reminders like these to realise where we can improve our marriages inshallah.

    Wassalaam

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