Newlyweds : The Same Old Story

Sally Rawhey

It has to be what I want! No, what I want!

These are the two sentences each newly married couple scream out in total silence. It is unusual that they would express it to each other, but their actions indicate what is going on in their minds. Who will lead the battle, who will carry an army of patience and who will allow his armies to attack?

They entered this marriage in the name of love, or even in the name of mutual understanding and respect, however, the first months and years of marriage encourage a lot of destructive weapons, strategic planning and explosive intentions.

Let’s not be too dramatic. Let’s move in slowly and see what it’s all about.

He walked in and closed the door behind you….. You smiled, that’s the moment you have been waiting for so long. Just you and him finally in your home – husband and wife – and a future of happiness. He is all yours and you are all his… what could go wrong? Simply nothing!

Take some advice, cross the ‘no’ out of this dialog, because unfortunately there are a lot of things ahead. A lot of it is negative. It is not a smooth road ahead! No! Marriage is so far from it. It is sweet yes, but bitter sweet! Here are some bites for you to taste.

Some Money …. Less money…. No money

Here’s the situation: You had the wedding you wanted, you furnished the flat you struggled for, and you spent on the honeymoon you fancied. You are now back to reality with no money, some debts and a lot of blame!

Hubby: ? told you there was no need for all the expenses you insisted on for the wedding!”

Wife: “You didn’t seem to mind adding 20 couples to the list after we finished our budget…”

Hubby: “ We were not supposed to buy all that stuff on our honeymoon…”

Wife: “You were supposed to make better calculations..”

Money is among your first enemies; actually the lack of it straight after you have tied the knot. If you believe that the word “I” is spoken more than any other word, take this dare, the word money will pop up more with a newly-wed couple. Who takes the salary into his hand? Will he save any money? Will this money be enough for the month? Where did your money go? You said you would give me more money?

Money, money…money…is the much hated friend that shares your marriage. It can even destroy it, especially in those early days when its scarcity can be translated by both partners as stinginess, selfishness or even failure.

Habits…Habits…and More Habits..

These will surely create some waves of fury as you swim your way into your life-long relationship with your spouse. She takes all the covers to herself and rolls in it like a salmon sandwich. He snores like a rhino all night long. She spends hours showering and there is only one toilet to use when nature calls. He doesn’t seem to mind the suffocating smell that comes out of his shoes and takes it lightly. She does not pick up her clothes and leaves them piled on the couch.

He and she both have different habits that they have been living with for years and years and simply do not care to change after marriage, no matter how annoying these might be to the other party. One woman complained at the beginning of her marriage that her husband insisted on carrying her once he stepped into the house, like some kind of obsession, he would lift her off the ground immediately as soon as he saw her.

At the beginning it was cute and sweet and you name it, but when this habit continued on a daily basis even after they had their first baby, she was greatly alarmed. Her husband was more interested to carry her than he cared to carry his baby son.

And years went by and the habit never lost momentum with him; he continued to carry her unless he was sick. And the son grew, watching his father carry his mother all around the house. Then one day the mother walked into the house to find her son moving towards her and sweeping her off the ground, carrying her in his arms just like his father. That is when she could not take it any more.

What an interesting habit! Too bad she didn’t like it! But then again one finds it difficult to accept other people’s habits that are alien to him. Often time makes it bearable but at other times a habit is painful and a continuous topic of arguments between husband and wife.

My family Vs Your family…

Dividing time among the in-laws is a major issue to newly-weds. It is an issue that is better discussed and finalized before marriage. This is one issue were six people have to be satisfied, not just the married couple, and it also includes two sets of parents who are still learning how to let go of their “kids” to their new life. It requires a lot of sacrifice, a lot of understanding and a lot of patience to reach a deal that is accepted by all.

It is so difficult; .a task that even Superman would consider “dangerous”! Both spouses want the day off with their parents; each wants the first day of Ramadan with their parents; each wants the first day of Eid with their parents…and so on and so forth.

Who Stole the Fire?

The fire of love will often lose its glow after the first few months of marriage and the intensity of the emotions that used to shift and turn them in waves of romance, will lighten up. Usually a woman spots this case first and turns to her husband with another fire in her eyes asking, “What changed you? You haven’t said you love me all week? You come back from work and sit in front of the TV in total silence! You don’t want to drive me any where, after you used to beg me to drive me any where! You don’t love me any more!?!”

Or a husband could even be the first to track the situation, and cynically accuse the wife of changing, “Why is your hair such a mess, and what is this you’re wearing, you look like Hassan Metwaly, my buddy from my army days!

You only talk about what the house is missing but you never make me feel that you’re happy; we’re happy together…bla, bla, bla “

It is a long list of complaints that rise to the surface when the strong churning feelings of love sink below the normal routine of a married couple. In life, nothing remains with its strong intensity, everything eventually fades out. A scientist would tell me that this is the law of Osmosis, or is it diffusion…the diffusion of the strong, burning heat of love to a cooler existence that all married couple eventually live in.

There are countless problems that could plague a new marriage and shake its roots before it has time to grow deep and strong. The newly-married couple could well be struggling with financial difficulties, in-law problems, lack of accommodation, full working schedules combined with the unfamiliarity of living under the same roof with a spouse. What to do? Grab two chairs, put a smile on your faces and two, big breaths from each of you. Better set the rules now, and make your agreements before it turns into a ‘blame war’. And remember as you sit before each other with demands, that marriage is all about sacrifices.

A more important part of smoothing your relationship during those tough, first years is to do beautiful things together. The first thing to do is to snatch any chance to Pray together. Encourage your partner to read or recite Qur?n together. Visit each of your families together. Do anything that brings good to other people and do it together. You will find that nothing will get you closer to your spouse than yielding good deeds together. It is only by being together that will you stay together!

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One Response to “Newlyweds : The Same Old Story”

  1. Ansari Samir Says:

    As Salaamo Alaikum

    I am in my first year of marriage, I can relate greatly with this blog posy. Especially, my wife feels that I don’t love her anymore, last week she told me that I haven’t said her “I Love You” in last couple of weeks. Then “I Love You” has disappeared from our lives.

    I really love my wife, she really understanding but some times circumstances control us, rather we controlling circumstances. She’s got angry from me, she went to her mother’s place.

    The problem with me is that I don’t communicate a lot. I stop talking when I am disturbed, I don’t talk when there’s huge work load at my work place. What do I do for this, any suggestions? I love my wife, I really love her and I don’t want to loose her at any cost.

    Pray for me, I will follow your advice of doing righteous deeds together like praying, because in my 9 months of marriage I have never done that.

    Thank you so much. Jazak Allah for the efforts you put in.

    Regards,

    Brother in Islam.

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