Archive for September, 2008

The Lost Love

Posted in Love, Tips for a Happy Marriage on September 29, 2008 by Shaz

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS[2]).

 

Amr Khaled

love is about actions and behavior, not hidden feelings. What happens if relationships between husbands and wives deteriorate? What happens to families? What kind of sins will be committed in society, what will the Shaytan (Satan) do to our homes? Our last hope lies in our homes, and if we lose that our societies will be useless for another 200 years. A major problem faced by husbands and wives is the loss of love. We’re not discussing marital disputes, or the causes of divorce, we’re talking about the lost love. How do we lose love? In the first stage they stop talking to each other. Couples talk for hours while they are engaged, they spend long hours on the phone and when they finally hang up they still have more to say. At the beginning of their marriage they talk even more. Then, a few years down the line there’s less and less to say.

A man may spend 12 hours at work and actually forget to call his wife. The second stage is to avoid spending time at home; some husbands go through a lot of trouble to make up excuses and tell lies to escape spending time at home. The third stage is when both partners stop seeing each other’s good sides and focus on their partner’s faults; and Shaytan plays a major role here. The Prophet (SAWS) said very beautiful words in this regard; he said that a believer should not dislike his wife, because even if he dislikes something about her, he will always find something that he likes. The point is that they both have faults, and they probably were like this since the very first day, but at this stage they can only see each other’s faults. The fourth stage is to lose their intimate relationship for months. Although we’ve discussed four stages of losing love at home, until this stage they are still respectable people, and they haven’t committed any major sins.

However, after this, one may then start looking for love outside his/her home, and this may soon turn into cheating and a series of other major sins that displease Allah (AWJ[3]). Again, Shaytan has an important role to play here. Ibnul-Qayyim said that Shaytan makes you see what you don’t have as more beautiful and attractive that what you have. This is how Shaytan works. The Prophet (SAWS) said that a person who betrays carries a flag on the Day of Judgment saying this is so-and-so’s betrayal, clearly telling people what this person did.

I’m not talking to men only, I’m very sorry to say that women also reach the stage I’m talking about – this was not the case 30 or 40 years ago -.

Can we bring back the love to our homes? Yes! Allah (SWJ) said what can be translated as “…and He has made between you amity and mercy…” (TMQ[4], 30:21). Note that “has made” is past tense, this means that Allah (SWT[5]) creates this amity and mercy deep in the hearts of husbands and their wives on the day they are married. Take an example for Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) on the day he conquered Makkah, 15 years after Lady Khadijah Bint-Khuwaylid’s death; his companions were urging him to stay at one of their homes, yet he asked them to set up a tent for him near her grave. A year after Khadija’s death a lady companion met Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) and suggested that he gets married for he had 5 children and it would be difficult for him to bring them up on his own; the Prophet shed tears on Khadijah’s memory and said that no woman could resemble her. The lady later said she regretted having reminded him.

You may say that this is the Prophet (SAWS) and no one else is like this. So let me tell you the story of a man who I met in England when I was 20 years old. This man, a scholar from al-Azhar, was in his sixties or seventies at that time, while his wife was in her fifties and they had been married for nearly 35 years. He had gone to England to give some lectures and his wife accompanied him. I could not imagine how this man loved his wife to the extent that he woke me up one day at 8:00 o’clock in the morning and asked me to go with him to Oxford to buy her a present while she was sleeping. I was surprised that after all those years of marriage he was thinking of buying his wife a present and he was also very keen on choosing something that will please her. After some time I traveled back to Egypt and went to visit him, he welcomed me but told me that he was busy at that time and asked me to wait for him in the guest room. He left me waiting for half an hour and I was upset, when he returned he apologized and explained that he and his wife spend an hour every Friday after al-Asr (afternoon) prayer to read Qur’an and talk to each other. I did not think it was possible at that time for a couple to love each other so much after so many years of marriage.

The Prophet (SAWS) was talking to one of his companions called Jaber Ibn-Abdullah on their way back from Zat-Arika’ battle. We all know Jaber’s story whose wife died and he married a lady who could take care of his nine daughters. So, on their way back from the battle the Prophet (SAWS) told him that when they reach Madinah the army will wait outside its borders so that Jaber’s wife would know that the army is back and prepare herself to welcome her husband. The thing is, The Prophet (SAWS) understood that the army had been away for a long time, and their wives do not know when they will be back, and, being busy taking care of their children and houses they may not be ready to welcome their husbands, so he wanted to give them time to prepare themselves. This is very important for women today who do not appreciate how important it is for them to look presentable in front of their husbands.

What does all this have to do with Ramadan? This is the essence of Ramadan, and we want to emerge from Ramadan with husbands who are determined to strengthen their homes by taking their wives’ hands and starting to walk through life together. The Prophet (SAWS) used to walk with Lady Zainab Bint-Jahsh and hold her hand in front of his companions without feeling embarrassed about that like most men do.

Sometimes we only appreciate someone close to us when they die, although we never appreciated them during their lives. I will tell you the story of a girl who studied fine arts and used to paint pictures and portraits and things like that. She decided to paint a picture of her parents and give it to them as a gift on their wedding anniversary. She worked in her room and hid her work from her parents to make it a surprise, until one night her father walked into her room and caught her when she was almost done with the picture. She says she really felt like showing it to him, and when he saw it he marveled at how beautiful his wife is and asked if he could buy a frame for the picture and attach a small card for her mother. So she agreed and they kept the picture a secret from her mother. Unfortunately, her father died before the anniversary day and the girl hesitated before showing the picture to her mother. She finally showed it to her and the mother read her husband’s card in which he said “My daughter reminded me of how lucky I am to have married you – I’ll always look into your eyes.”. The girl’s mother was touched by those words and regretted that she had not heard such sweet words from him during his life.

Moreover, Abu-Bakr asked that his wife Asmaa Bint-Omayr would be the one to wash him and prepare him for burial after his death – this is very strange especially at that time – and when someone inquired about the reason, he replied that she was the closest to his heart, and so she did.

Also, Lady Aisha teaches women how to treat their husbands. She says she once went to bed with the Prophet (SAWS) and when he was covered with her quilt, he asked her permission to let him get up and pray for an hour to his Lord (Allah), she replied that she loves to be near him yet prefers what pleases him, that is, she prefers what he likes over what she likes.

On the other hand, Ali Ibn-Abi-Taleb teaches men how to treat their wives: When he was asked to describe his relationship with his wife Fatimah, the Prophet’s daughter, Ali replied with poetry; saying that Muhammad’s daughter is his wife and peace, and that her body and soul are entwined with his. Once Ali found his wife Fatimah brushing her teeth with a sewak (part of a tree bark that people use to clean their teeth), again, he came up with some funny poetry about the sewak to make her laugh.

Fatimah too joked with her husband. The Prophet (SAWS) walked in and heard her and Ali laughing out loud, they stopped when he came in, so he asked them about what made them laugh. They had been married for six or seven years then. Ali replied that she insisted that she was older than him although that was not true. Fatimah replied that she was older. So the prophet told his daughter that Ali was right. He thought she was being serious. She replied that she knew that but was only joking with her husband.

There is also Abdullah Ibnul-Mubarak, he was a great companion of the Prophet (SAWS) who fought for one year and went for hajj[6] the next; once he was on hajj and missed his wife, so he sent her a message with someone, nowadays we can send text messages to each other in seconds, he had to send a message with a messenger. His message said “My soul missed your soul, did you feel it?” 

The Prophet (SAWS) was sitting in his house one day and heard a knocking on the door and when asked who it was he heard a voice similar to lady Khadijah’s voice – that was long after her death. He wished it would be Hala, Khadijah’s sister, as he missed Khadijah and wanted to see one of her relatives. It turned out to be Hala, and he was very happy to see her.

Can this really happen? Of course it can! Allah (SWT) says what can be translated as “Say, ‘in case you (really) love Allah, then closely follow me, (and) Allah will love you and forgive you your guilty (deeds)…'” (TMQ, 3:31). Allah (SWT) also says what can be translated as “Indeed you have already had a fair example, in the Messenger of Allah …” TMQ( 33:21). Let’s apply the social aspect of the Prophet’s (SAWS) life.

The important question now is why do we lose love, didn’t Allah (SWT) create amity and mercy deep in our hearts? We lose love when we neglect it. A general rule in life is that anything that is neglected and not taken care of withers up and dies. Love is about actions, not hidden feelings. It’s like a bank account. When you were engaged you had a huge balance of love to rely on, but over the days you keep drawing from that account until you can draw no more – that’s when you can’t tolerate a small argument that you could have tolerated a few years ago. You have to deposit in your wife’s or your husband’s love account, deposit small actions like a smile, a hug, a call to their family members, to protect your love against disputes and hard times. Let’s take advantage of Ramadan, pray together, supplicate together, hold each other’s hands. Again, love is about actions, about effort.

Allah (SWT) said “amity and mercy”, not “love”, what’s the difference? Love is an inner feeling, but amity is a manifestation of love, amity is an action. Love is an invisible feeling, but a smile is an action, that’s amity. That’s why one of Allah’s Most Beautiful Names is Al-Wadud, The Ever-Affectionate, because when Allah (SWT) loves someone an action results; The Prophet (SAWS) said “when Allah loves a person, He calls Jibril (Angel “Gabriel”) and says (to him): ‘I love so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ So Jibril loves him. Then he makes an announcement in the heaven saying ‘Allah loves so-and-so, therefore you should also love him.’ Then the inhabitants of heaven (the angels) would love him, and acceptance is established for him on earth”. So start depositing in your spouses’ emotion accounts, work together to bring the love back. How long would it take? I would say about a month, from experience, Allah willing. Allah (SWT) assures us that the love is there.

Do not be miserly with your feelings; do not let your spouses look for love outside your homes. Express your feelings and do not be shy. Salman al-Faresi saw Abul-Dardaa’s wife in a bad state, neglecting her appearance and when asked for the reason, she told him that her husband neglected her, as he was busy with worship day and night. This was during the time of the companions, and she was a pious woman, but nowadays, many women in the same situation would start looking for love outside their homes, it is not justifiable, but men should not drive their wives to that. May Allah forgive us all and bring all those husbands and wives who hear us today closer together.
 


 

[1] The word Allah is the Arabic term for God. Although the use of the word “Allah” is most often associated with Islam, it is not used exclusively by Muslims; Arab Christians and Arabic-speaking Jews also use it to refer to the One God. The Arabic word expresses the unique characteristics of the One God more precisely than the English term. Whereas the word “Allah” has no plural form in Arabic, the English form does. Allah is the God worshipped by all Prophets, from Adam to Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.

[2] SAAWS= Salla Allah alayhe Wa Salam [All Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him].

[3]  AWJ= Aza-Wa-Jal [Glorified and Sublime be He].

[4]  TMQ=Translation of the Meaning of the Qur’an.  This translation is for the realized meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah: Ayah)  of the Qur’an.  Reading the translated meaning of the Qur’an can never replace reading it in Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.

[6] Hajj: The pilgrimage to Makkah during the first half of the month of Dhul-Hijjah, and is the fifth pillar of Islam.

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Fiqh Of Love

Posted in Audio, Love, Marriage Coaching, Tips for a Happy Marriage on September 25, 2008 by Shaz

Fiqh of Love – The Fiqh of Marriage in Islam is the official recording of an AIMaghrib Institute seminar. What you hold in your hands is a detailed look at the process and rites of marriage in Islam as explained by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. The seminar begins with a discussion of the various concepts of love as defined by Islam and other competing theories. It then presents the flqh of marriage beginning with the search for a suitable spouse, following the entire process including the details of the marriage contract and then concluding with advice for marriage life. This amazing seminar is a testament to the comprehensive nature of Islam as well as to the mercy and sensitivity of Allah that He should make clear to us the right way even in our most intimate affairs. Insha’Allah, you’ll witness your Eman growing stronger as your understanding of the wisdom of the Qur’an and Sunnah comes alive in your mind, in your soul, and in your heart. We call it an EmanRush! Visit EmanRush.com for a complete list of available single CD’s and other available seminars.

Love and Islam

Posted in Love on September 16, 2008 by Shaz

http://islamicink.wordpress.com/2007/03/01/verily-i-was-filled-with-love-for-her/

 

So you’ve known this sister/brother for a while now, and you’ve realized that you’ve come to love them and would like to get married to them. However, you’re stumped on what to do next. You feel guilty for feeling this way and think that you’re sinning. You have this feeling of sincere love inside you for them. You are not sure what their reaction will be. You do not know what to do, tell them how you feel or just conceal your love? You’ve realized that in all your days, every lecture you’ve attended, every book you’ve read, you haven’t been told about what to do when you feel like this. You begin to wonder what is the proper thing for me to do? You feel embarrassed to admit this feeling and feel scared to tell your friends much less your parents.
You aren’t the only out there who feels like this! Read on..
One of the most taboo subjects these days among our families and among ourselves generally, at least from what I’ve noticed is to speak about love. It has become quite a taboo where one who mentions it is seen in a different light (usually not a good one). There is this feeling of guilt when one feels this emotion and usually we are led to believe it is haram.

So the question comes, how do we deal with this feeling?

I know personally that I wouldn’t have the guts to go to my parents and tell them, “Mom, Dad, I want to get married to this sister, because I love her”. Or even if I did, I would go in wearing a helmet or something fearing the notorious backhand of doom. But this doesn’t mean that they are wrong, it is only that in our cultures this subject has become one which is not spoken about.

The fact is that we don’t hear about love in the Masajid and neither in our Halaqas. But love is something that was written books about by earlier scholars such as Ibn Hazm Al Andulusi (who is actually referred to as the Faqi of Love) who wrote Tawq Al Hamamah (Ring of the Dove) and Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah wrote Rawdatul Muhibbeen (The Garden of the Lovers). So why are we shy to ask about this today and learn the Islamic viewpoint on this subject? Why do we not ask about what Allah has said about this and what Allaah’s Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said about this?

Frankly, for some people when the word love is used, it is but a substitute for lust. Others think of it only in a universal sense as Love of Allaah and Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam. But love is something that is broader than that. No doubt Love for Allaah and Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam is something that, without it, we won’t have Iman.

However the love referred to here is the love between a man and a woman and it is something that if you are in it, it’s signs will show up on you.

Al Bousseeri said in his poetry:

 

“Does not the lover think that his love can be concealed? While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing, Had it not been for love, you would not have shed tears at the ruins (of your beloved),
Nor would you become restless at the remembrance of the cypress (tree) at the high mountain,
How do you deny love after the testimony,
Borne against you by (such) reliable witnesses
as your tears and your illness.
Love indeed transforms pleasure into pain.”

> So What Does Allaah Say About Love?

Allah says in the Qur’an:

“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.”
[Ar Room 30:21]

The key words in the verse are – Mawaddatan wa Rahmah – which translates as Love and Mercy. The interesting thing to note about this verse is to notice the location of this verse along with the verses that precede it and those that come after. Allah mentions His Signs (Night/Day, Heaven/Earth, Man/Woman) and He puts the feeling of Love and Mercy between spouses in the same value as the creation of Heaven & Earth. Now then how can we ignore such a great Sign of Allaah?

> What is Love?

Ibn Hazm says describing the nature of love:

Of Love-may God exalt you! -the first part is jesting, and the last part is right earnestness. So majestic are its diverse aspects, they are too subtle to be described; their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience. Love is neither disapproved by Religion, nor prohibited by the Law; for every heart is in God’s hands.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Love is of two types as the scholars have defined.

Hubb
Ishq
Hubb is the arabic word for love and it is made up of the letters Ha (ح) and Ba (ب). On a side note, to recognize the beauty of the arabic language, when one says Hubb, the Ha comes from deep inside the throat which almost chokes you (as love does) and when you end the word with Ba, the lips come together as if it were a kiss.

Ibn Qayyim differentiated between Hubb and Ishq. He said Hubb was pure and noble love whilst Ishq was a forbidden, beyond the limits type of love. He meant this was when someone would go to Haram measures to be with the one they love.

There are many reasons for falling in love. Ibn Hazm proceeds to describe the reasons of love:

If the cause of Love were physical beauty, the consequence would be that no body defective in any shape or form would attract admiration; yet we know of many a man actually preferring the inferior article, though well aware that another is superior, and quite unable to turn his heart away from it. Again, if Love were due to a harmony of characters, no man would love a person who was not of like purpose and in concord with him. We therefore conclude that Love is something within the soul itself. Sometimes, it is true, Love comes as a result of a definite cause outside the soul, but then it passes away when the cause itself disappears: one who is fond of you because of a certain circumstance will turn his back on you when that motive no longer exists.
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

Physical beauty is not the main cause of love, though yes it does help in falling in love and is a reason for love to grow between spouses. However, it is to be understood that Love cannot be limited to such, because if it were then there are many people that can never hope of getting married. In fact love is something deeper which comes from inside, a mercy that Allaah has placed into the hearts of His creation.

It is necessary for us who live in an environment surrounded by Haram to check our reasons for our love, whether we are loving them in a pure sense for the sake of Allaah (yes even for our spouses) or is it merely based on our desires and lusts. Lets make sure that our reason is the former.

> An Example of Love

The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam when speaking about his wife Khadija said: “Verily, I was filled with love for her.”

However, today we find that many of us are shy to express our love. In fact, many consider it a sign of weakness to say “I love so and so” and they consider it a blow to their pride to tell their spouse, “I love you”. But here and in other narrations (will be mentioned later) that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam was not shy to express his love of his wife. And notice that he didn’t simply say, “I love her” and leave it at that, but he said, “I was filled with love for her” and this means that it was a true real love that he had for Khadija (Radiallahu Anha) and that he was not shy to express it.

> So What is the Islamic Ruling on Love?

Love is not something forbidden. Ibn Hazm says in his awesome book, Tawq Al Hamamah:

“And yet, when was loving banned?
Did Muhammad so command,
Or is man forbidden it
By the words of Holy Writ?”

Meaning that niether did the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam forbid love nor was it forbidden by Allaah in the Qur’an.

Secondly, love in and of itself is not in our control. It is mentioned that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said when he used to allocate between his wives “O Allah, this is my distribution for what I have control of, but please don’t hold me accountable for something I cannot control (his love for A’isha.)”

This proves that even the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam loved some of his wives more than others and his love for one was something he could not control at times. Ibn Hazm mentions that someone said, “O ameer ul mu’mineen…I’m in love with her.” So then Umar (Radiallahu Anhu) replied, “It’s not in your hands, what can I do for you?”

Ibn Qayyim said in Al Jawab Al Kafi:
“As for loving women, there is no blame on a person who has love for them. On the contrary, it is part of his perfection (as a human being) for Allah says “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between you”

Ibn Jawzi says in his Dhaamul Hawaa:

“If you haven’t loved passionately or known the meaning of desire then get up and eat hay for you are nothing but a donkey.” & “You and the hard rock are equal.”

These quotes from Ibn Qayyim and Ibn Jawzi show that they not only considered love as something that occurs, but rather it is a sign of perfection. So when you feel love for someone, do not consider it as a flaw in yourself, rather it is a sign that you have a heart and it is a sign of your humanity. This emotion that is felt shows that there is mercy in you and that your heart is soft.

Ibn Qayyim also says:
“When we speak of rulings of love, we must describe two things. One is optional and one is not. The optional love is what leads to love (eyesight, association, etc.) and this is the love that you have to beware of (for it may lead to unlawful acts.) The non optional love, if it happens by the sudden look, or natural passions that develop, you cannot be blamed for it, but it’s how you react to it that Allah will hold you to accountable for.”

Be careful when you are in contact with the one you love for it may lead to that which is forbidden and be mindful of Allaah.

Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said,
“The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and A’isha (r.a.)”

Masrouq (a narrator) would refer to A’isha (Radiallahu Anha) in the following way:

“And on the authority of the Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam” (Meaning A’isha (Radiallahu Anha))

Nowadays when we think of love stories, the first that pops up in our minds in Romeo and Juliet. But what happened with them? They committed suicide. Their love was nothing more than Zina and had they lived on to get married they would have ended in a divorce due to the fact that their love never went any test such as marriage and it wasn’t for the sake of Allaah. The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said: “For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.” (Sunan Ibn Majah) What sets apart the love of the Messenger and Aisha is the fact that they were married and in their marriage their love grew for each other.

Mentioned in Bukhari, narrated Abu Uthman:

Allah’s Apostle sent ‘Amr bin Al As as the commander of the troops of Dhat-us-Salasil. ‘Amr bin Al-‘As said, “(On my return) I came to the Prophet and said, ‘Which people do you love most?’ He replied, ‘Aisha.’ I said, ‘From amongst the men?’ He replied, ‘Her father (Abu Bakr)’.

Two things about this Hadith strike me the most. The first is that the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam is not shy to admit that the person that he loves the most is his wife Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) And secondly when asked about from the men, he doesn’t simply say ‘Abu Bakr’ (Radiallahu Anhu), but he still attributes it to Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) by saying, ‘Her Father”. Indeed the love of the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam to Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) was an example to us.

Other such narrations occur which show the Messenger’s salalahu alaihiwassalam love for his wife. One that shows his humility to his wives is this one that is narrated in Sahih Al Bukhari on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Radiallahu Anhu) who said,

“I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel).”
> What is the Correct Thing To Do if You’re in Love?

Love usually starts from the eye, and this is why Allaah has commanded

{“Tell the believers to lower their eyes and protect their private parts…”}
[an-Nur; 30]

Love at first sight is a fact and it does occur. The Messenger said

“The glance is a poisoned arrow of shaytaan. Whoever lowers his gaze for Allah, He will bestow upon him a refreshing sweetness, which he will find in his heart on the day he meets Him.” [Al Hakim]

Ironically we find in our times a representation of falling in love the little cupids that shoot arrows into hearts thus causing the stricken to have ‘fallen in love’.

There are many ways to fall in love, (Ibn Hazm even mentions that one can even fall in love whilst asleep!) but the key fact to remember is that, yes love is not forbidden and you won’t be held accountable for loving someone, but disobeying Allaah in expression of your love is Haram and it something we must be mindful of.

When you are in love, it’s signs will show up on you regardless of how much you try to hide them. Believe it or not, the scholars have actually written out a list about them (these are general):

Eyes are wide open, they are smiling, looking towards the sky, not paying attention. Lost in Thought.
The person talks too much about his beloved.
When they are in presence of each other, full attention is given to each other.
Lover usually hurries up to meet loved one.
Sudden confusion/excitement at mere sighting of loved one.
Everything else blanks out but the beloved.
Stop sleeping at night and start daydreaming.
Wasting the day.
Weeping – Getting very emotional.
For two that love each other, the best thing is marriage as the Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said: “For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.” (Sunan ibn Majah) And marriage should not be put off by mere issues that conflict with a person’s preference if the preference is in matters that are the type that can be overlooked. The Messenger salalahu alaihiwassalam said “If a man whose practice of the religion satisfies you, asks you for your daughter in marriage, you should marry them; otherwise there will be corruption in the land.” (Hasan – at-Tirmidhee)

And marriage is what is encouraged (and it’s the best option) because marriage is a test and within it there come many issues that put the love at test and it is also a cause for love to grow stronger. So it is said that real love begins after the ‘in love’ phase is over. Usually when two go in to marriage all is well for the first few months and then it starts to break down. Why? Because they fail to continue to keep this love up. The love becomes conditional and the value is lost. So they start worrying about their rights yet they forget their own responsibilities. The husband demands his rights and the wife hers and in the middle of this tug of war they lose their love for each other.

Here’s a tip to a successful marriage: Look towards your obligations, and do your utmost to fulfill them. Don’t look towards your rights – in fact, forget about them; and this is for both the brothers and the sisters. Go into marriage with a mindset that’s saying: “I’m going to fulfill the obligations that my Lord has obligated me to fulfill for His pleasure”. I can guarantee, Insha’Allaah, that if you were to enter into marriage with this attitude, anything that your spouse does for you (a gift, or roses, or cooks you your favorite dish etc.) will seem like a big deal and you’ll appreciate it a whole lot more. Why? Because you weren’t expecting it. A Muslim is always seeking from Allaah, and not from the creation. And if they don’t do anything special for you, you won’t feel put down. So seek from Allaah and expect from Him alone, you’ll never be disappointed.

Ibn Abbas said, “I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir – Hasan]

But marriage is different topic, it is mentioned here only because it is the proper way to go for two who love each other.

>What if it’s a No?

Yes. This is the worst part about love. When your beloved does not want to return the feelings that you have for them.

Imam Shafiee has written a poem on this matter:

و من الشَقاوة أن تحبَ
و من تحبُ يحبُ غيرك
أو أن تريد الخير للأن
سان و هو يريد ضيرك

“And from misery is that you love,
and (the one) who you love, loves other than you,
or that you want good for a person,
and he wants to hurt you”.

Yeah this is the worst part of it, but there is not much that can be done at this state. Ibn Hazm (yes him again) has written regarding this:

And among the accidents of love is the violent anxiety and silencing intensity of feeling which overcome the lover when he sees the beloved avoiding him and eschewing him; and the sign of that is sighing, and lack of vivacity, and sobbing, and having deep sighs: and on that subject I have made a poem, from which I quote:

The beautiful patience is imprisoned,
And tears are bursting forth from the eyes!
The best that can be done at this state is patience for not everyone who has loved has been blessed with a return of the same emotion from the beloved. It’s tough, yes, very and if you were sincere in your love then it will give you many a sleepless nights and restless days but try and move on. Ask Allaah to replace this loss with something better.

> In Conclusion

I end this here with some advice for the brothers and sisters:

Brothers – If you love a sister, let her know (don’t go up to her when there’s a chance that you two will end up alone – in fact, in my humble opinion don’t go up to her at all. Send in a reconnaissance, i.e. your sister or someone likewise). If she’s understanding, she’ll appreciate it. Go to your parents and ask them to get you married (no matter how hard that is) and go about it the Halal way. Also as a side note, know that it is pointless to debate with women, they’ll end up winning. And don’t give her a hard time if she can’t cook. Aisha (Radiallahu Anha) couldn’t cook either.

Sisters – If you love a brother, let him know (again as above, not when there is a chance that you two will end up alone). Insha’Allah he’ll understand. Tell your parents about it (its even harder for you, I’m sure). If you have a brother try to get him to talk to the one you love. Keep it Halal. And lastly, know that the way to a man’s heart is through good food.
To end this I quote Ibn Hazm:

“The finest quality that a man can display in Love is continence: to abstain from sin and all indecency. For so he will prove himself to be not indifferent to the heavenly reward, that eternal bliss reserved by God for those who dwell in His everlasting kingdom, neither will he disobey his Master Who has been so gracious to him, in appointing him to be a creature worthy to receive His commandments and prohibitions, Who sent unto him His Messengers, and caused His Word to be immovably established with him-all this as a mark of His care for us, and His benevolence towards us.”
[Tawq Al Hamamah]

How To Be An Outstanding Husband & Wife

Posted in Advice for Husbands, Advice for Wives, Audio on September 12, 2008 by Shaz

 

 

Husband
Sheikh Muhammad AlShareef shares with his listeners many pearls of wisdom in this lecture. The target audience is, of course, Muslim brothers. But this lecture is incredibly beneficial for sisters as well. There is a great deal of insight that both husbands and wives can benefit from. It is comprised of a series of techniques that the Sheikh offers to husbands (and future husbands) on how to please one’s wife and insha’Allah become an ideal husband. The techniques offered are all-encompassing, and the main source of evidence for these techniques is the seerah of Rasoolallah (s). Many touching and heart-warming ahadith are mentioned about the Prophet’s (s) interactions with his wives, with many priceless lessons to be learned from these.

Wife
Most Muslims have heard numerous lectures on women’s rights in Islam. In particular, the woman’s rights and obligations as a wife are discussed a great deal amongst Western audiences. As important as this topic may be, it is refreshing to hear someone discuss the role of the Muslim wife in a new light. Rather than simply focusing on the Shari’ah and controversial women’s issues, Sheikh Muhammad shares some excellent techniques on how the wife can please her husband as well as please Allah in this lecture. He offers Muslim women a series of techniques on how to win the heart of her husband, as well as uphold her responsibilities as a Muslim wife. Incorporated into this lecture are many examples from the lives of the Sahaabiyaat and other notable women. Interestingly enough, some examples from books written by non-Muslim authors, such as Laura Dole’s work, “The Surrendered Wife” are also used.

CD 1

CD 2