Wives Dealing With Tough Husbands: Any Options?

In Islam, a man has options to choose from when his wife misbehaves or
does something displeasing. For example, negotiating, then leaving her
bedroom, and finally hitting lightly (with miswak-tooth stick). My
question is, what if a man misbehaves? Does the woman have any options?
What if he does something extremely horrible? What can she do? I know
there’s divorce, but for women it’s by khul`, which is a complicated
process. Why do men have all these options plus divorce, and women only
have divorce? And even when they choose divorce, it’s a longer and
tougher process than the men’s. I know Islam is fair, but when I asked
people I know this question, they never gave me a satisfying answer.
Please help me.

Answer By Yasmin Mogahed
Salam, Rahma.

Thank you for your sincere question and desire to seek the truth. May
Allah make the path to truth easy on all of us.

Although this is not a fatwa, I pray that it helps shed light on the
perfect justice of the religion of Allah.

First, it is imperative to stress, as you already mentioned, that Allah
is the Most-Just. If we ever perceive any injustice in His religion, it
is due to our own lack of understanding, rather than a flaw in the
religion.

As you know, men and women were created different in order to complement
one another and live in cooperation, and not competition. As with any
system, whether in the context of a corporation or a family, each
individual is assigned a role based on his or her individual nature and
talents.

The vital difference here is that the Lord of the universe is the one
assigning the roles based on His perfect knowledge of the nature,
strengths, and weaknesses of His own creation. In His infinite
knowledge, Allah has assigned men to be the managers, protectors,
maintainers, and providers of the family system. In the Quran, which
Muslims believe is the word of God, Allah says:

[Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has
given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support
them from their means] (An-Nisaa 4:34)

However, what many people fail to realize is that with this extra
authority comes a great deal of extra responsibility. Men will be held
accountable if their families are not protected and provided for.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,

All of you are responsible and each of you is responsible for his
people. The Imam (i.e. ruler) is the guardian of his subjects and is
responsible for them. A man is responsible for the people of his house.
A woman is responsible for the house of her husband. A servant is the
guardian of his master’s belongings and is responsible for them. Each of
you is responsible for his people. (Al-Bukhari)

Part of a man’s protecting his family means protecting their physical
needs. Providing food, clothing, and shelter falls under this
responsibility. However, his protection is not limited simply to
physical protection.

The man must also protect his family’s religion. In the same way he
would protect his family if they were struggling to find food, he too
must protect them if they are struggling with their religion. If his
wife or child is committing unlawful act, protecting them means doing
what he can to bring them back into the right path.

You will notice that the reference to admonishing the wife is in the
same verse, and follows the statement of men being the protectors and
maintainers of women.

Allah also says in the Quran what means:

[O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from Fire…]
(Al-Anaam 66:6)

Of course, saving each other from the displeasure of Allah goes both
ways. But note that even in a business model, when a manager is not
doing his job, the procedure for correcting him is different than the
procedure he takes to correct those he manages. Those on the team do not
correct the manager directly, but rather take their complaints to his
supervisor.

This is done because a manager’s authority over them would make it
ineffective to try to address him directly. Instead, they would go to a
person who has authority over him. In the case of a family this would
mean the imam, an arbitrator (from the family or otherwise), or a judge,
for example.

Also, note that when the wife is “misbehaving”, she is to be corrected
privately (within the family). When a man is “misbehaving”, he is to be
corrected outside of the private sphere (going to an imam, for example).
But, this is part of the extra responsibility of taking on a position of
power.

In any power structure, those who take on a position of authority must
be willing to be censured — sometimes publicly. When the Companion
Umar ibn Al-Khattab was Caliph, a woman publicly corrected him by
reciting a verse that contradicted what he had said. Omar responded with
a smile and said: “The woman is correct and Omar is mistaken.”
(Al-Qurtubi, 99)

When a person becomes a manager, with that power, comes the ability to
be publicly corrected, if one is not doing one’s job. Consider a college
classroom. Who is in the position of authority in this case? The
professor is. What happens if a student is loudly talking on their cell
phone and disturbing the class? The professor will censure the student
directly.

But what happens if it’s the other way around, and the professor is
talking on his cell phone rather than teaching the class? Will the
students go to him directly? Well, perhaps they might, but that may not
accomplish much, if he chooses not to listen. But are the students
powerless? No. Most students would recognize that going to the
professor’s supervisor would be much more effective.

In the same way, when a husband is not doing his job of protecting his
family, whether that means through negligence or mistreatment, the wife
should try to advise him. But if he refuses, the wife is told to go to
those who can have authority to make him change his behavior. A wife is
not powerless. It is quite the contrary.

The system put in place by Allah in fact ensures the rights of the wife.
Imagine if a wife was just left to compete with a husband’s extra level
of physical strength and authority, and there was no system in place for
the wife to go to his “superiors”. Imagine if those students had no
other avenue to change their professor’s behavior besides addressing him
directly. Chances are, they would not learn much in the class.

But there is one point, although often overlooked, which is extremely
important. Remember that Allah Almighty is always on the side of the
oppressed. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

Be afraid, from the curse of the oppressed as there is no screen between
his invocation and Allah. (Al-Bukhari)

So if a wife is being mistreated or oppressed in any way, Allah will be
her supporter. Consider the story of the woman at the time of the
Prophet who turned to Allah to complain of her husband’s injustice to
her. Allah not only heard her calls, He even revealed verses in the
Quran to respond to her. Allah says:

[Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who
pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in
prayer) to Allah. And Allah (always) hears the arguments between both
sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).] (Al-Mujadilah
58:1)

Allah hears and sees all things. Could there be any greater comfort than
that?

I hope this answers your question. Please, keep in touch.

Salam.

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One Response to “Wives Dealing With Tough Husbands: Any Options?”

  1. Thank you so much for this article, and for the whole blog! This answered one of my biggest questions that has been on my mind. God willing, please carry on writing this blog — I’ve read all the articles, and I have learned a lot 🙂

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